UFC 129: Hematoma

We've seen enough of Mark Homick's head to last us a lifetime, so we're passing you over to Mr Shayne Newton Grier.

George St. Pierre vs Jake Shields (Welterweight Title Fight)

As this fight grew ever closer the UFC tried tirelessly to try and make the general fan base believe that Shields had some sort of chance to beat the champ. With MMA being such a fickle mistress, there is never a guarantee for any fighter to win. The one thing I knew with 100% certainty is that with both Shields and GSP being in love with smothering opponents on the ground, the fans were going to be treated to, "Some Serious Siamese Snuggie Smothering". The four S's, as the "Super Seagal" calls it. All trademarks are giving and received by Master S.S.

However, even guarantees have fine print, and this one reads: This guarantee is null and void if both fighters decided they can be more boring without the use of any Snugging!

GSP wins via another five round dominating snore fest. Shields never landed anything significant except for a nice stiff eye poke that destroyed Pierre's left eye. Supposedly this is the reason George couldn't finish off Jake. The true reason why he never finished him is because, of this...

Greg Jackson's Striking Strategy For GSP:

Soft jab

Soft jab

"Liddell-esque" Overhand right

Soft jab

Soft jab

"Koscheck-esque" Overhand right

Soft jab

Soft jab

Slightly harder jab

Soft jab

"Fedor-esque" Sloppy Overhand right

Where in the world were the hooks, the uppercuts, or even the undercuts? Or at least a good set-up for the horrible looking overhand rights he was throwing every 3rd or 4th punch. I can't even recall him throwing a hook or an uppercut. Really? I mean, really?

Problem: GSP Simply Dominates

Now, it's not that he dominates to finishes. No, no. That hasn't happened in a very long time. He just beats guys up in such a way that he wins every round and looks pretty untouchable doing it. This wouldn't be such a problem if he could finish the fight, but every fight ends with a fairly uneventful decision win for Mr. "Rush". Which makes for a very unmarketable fighter...

Solution: Bring On The Champ

The only fight that makes sense after another sleeper with GSP, is to have him fight a champ that only "Brings it!"

That's right, bring on Nick Diaz. Out of Nick Diaz's last 16 fights, only 3 have gone to decision and out of those, he has won 14 of them. To be fair if you look at the last 16 fights for GSP, he actually has a better or equal track record of finishing foes, but ever since he got pummeled by Serra, he always wants to play it safe.

The point I am making is: Diaz is the only man that will make GSP fight the fight we all know he can because for some reason, the men who fight GSP as of late can't get past his mystic of dominance.

Nick Diaz will cut the UFC champ's angles off with his FAR superior boxing, then, if GSP wants to go the ground (which he will not), he'll have to show he is not the color belt in BJJ that his trainers have given him.

Could Georgie beat Diaz? Sure. But only with the level of boring Snuggie action that we have come to expect from "The Fighter Formerly Known As Rush". Diaz would never, and I mean NEVER let him play that game. He would keep scrambling for submissions making it a very entertaining fight; while it lasts. Nick will make GSP work until he finally makes a mistake and then it's over.

Jose Aldo vs Mark Hominick (Featherweight Title Fight)

Jose Aldo or as the completely inept commentary team that the UFC has on their payroll calls him, JOE-SAY Aldo. I have been watching Aldo since he was first in the WEC and I have never heard anyone call him JOE-SAY. So, either is HO-ZAY has changed the pronunciation of his first name for his UFC debut, or (See: The Cheech and Chong Award at the end of the article).

I honestly thought that Aldo had this fight in the bag early in the fight, and then at the end of round one something changed the outcome of the entire fight.

(The Giant Horrible Disgusting Hematoma on top of Hominick's forehead)

Most would assume that a giant clotting of blood hijacking someone's forehead during the course of a title fight, whispering into their brain, "Dude we are having some serious issues here" would make THAT fighter say, "I'm out". Not Hominick! This dude is a fighter to the core of his existence. He kept fighting for FOUR more rounds with, as my homeboy T AND A said to me: "That looks like the baby on the forehead of Nurse Gollum from South Park". Yeah, look it up. Completely accurate. That thing was a baby looking to breach it's father's right eye!

Aldo faded heavily in the 5th and final round. Hominick was laying down some really heavy ground and pound in the fifth and final round. If this had gone to a sixth round, Aldo would have lost his title.

Aldo wins via decision in a very entertaining and hard to look at hematoma, I mean fight.

We learned a few things from this fight:

1: Mark Hominick does not say, "I quit" for ANYTHING! Big props for that, homie!

2: I hate looking at Hematomas. They are gross to the "Heehaw! Maximum!"

3: JOE-SAY Aldo is human.

4: I really bet chicks dig the scar on Aldo's face.

5: Hominick will beat Aldo in a rematch.

6: The featherweight division is very exciting!

7: I REALLY hate looking at Hematomas!!!

Randy Couture vs Lyoto Machida (Loser Leaves UFC Fight)

I was looking forward to this fight ever since it was announced. The basis for any great MMA fight is a fantastic style match up and these too styles (Karate/BJJ vs Wrestling Legend) this was bound to be a classic. With Machida on a two fight losing streak it seemed as if another loss meant "Exit the Dragon".

The first round was very exciting and had some great exchanges between these two warriors. Machida used his patented jumping knee to the body a few times as Randy tried to get a hold of him. Then there were a few great scrambles as Lyoto used his elusive footwork to avoid being pushed against the cage. Couture was working hard to find a way to get into some dirty boxing exchanges or clinch action against the cage, but it was to no avail.

As the second round started it looked like we were in for another fun round with two fairly evenly matched warriors. Then this two-on-two match turned into a triple threat match when Master Steven Seagal decided to yell, "Machida, use the kick". Lyoto's soul heard his masters cries and delivered a jumping front kick directly onto the jaw of Randy Couture. "The Natural's" eyes rolled back into his head and he fell straight backwards slamming his head into the mat; Lights out!

During the post fight interview, Machida gave full props to his father and Steven Seagal for teaching him the front kick. Oh man, does Steven Seagal really need his ego inflated anymore?

Pros and Cons:

Pro: Getting to see a second front kick KO!

Con: The retirement of Randy "Captain America" Couture.

Pro: The return of the Machida Era.

Con: The return of the Machida Era!

UFC 129 Awards:

The Hashim Rahman Award:

Winner: Mark Hominick - For continuing to fight his heart out even though it looked like his brain was trying to escape his forehead. Hematoma, Hematoma on my face, who's the ugliest of them all? Oh, and on a side note: Never type Hematoma into Google images. NEVER!

The "Look What I Can Do!" Award:

Winner: Pablo Garza – For submitting Yves Jabouin with a flying arm triangle at the end of round one. Ryo Chonan, eat your heart out!

The “Snots” The Dog Award:

The Winner: Jake Shields – For looking like a horny desperate dog humping a leg when he shot in for every one of his takedowns against GSP. A horny desperate weak rabid malnourished stray mutt of a dog.

The Back To The Future Award:

Winner: John Makdessi – For knocking Kyle Watson out with such a viscous spinning backfist that when he woke up he was in 1955.

The Secure In His Own Masculinity Award:

Winner: Mike Goldberg – For saying during the Ben Hendorson vs Mark Bocek fight. "Look at the legs of Ben Henderson. They are so muscular, tight, and epically awesome".

The E. Honda Award:

Winner: Jake Ellenberger – For knocking out Sean Pierson with one punch, then connecting with another one hundred punches (Actually 6 or so) before Pierson hit the mat and Herb Dean could stop the fight.

The Judas Award:

Winner: Toronto – For not one person in the crowd giving any kind of kind of response when, in his post fight interview Ben Henderson says: "Toronto, can I Get an Amen?". Even the Canadian crickets were like, "No" when Benson gave his shout out to God. Just so you now Toronto. I'm just saying!

The Cheech and Chong Award:

Winner: Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg – For, as of late, making less and less sense when they jabber off.

The following transcript is true and complete accurate and has not been altered for the benefit of George Carlin:

Mike Goldberg - Speechless at times when you just kind of look around at the crowd here tonight...

Joe Rogan - Yeah we might not stop. We might start stop. Stop talking somewhere in this, just because of that.

Mike Goldberg – Yeah!

The Master Of All That Is Everything Award:

Winner: Steven Seagal (Takeshigemichi) - For just EVERYTHING he is and will always be. A 7th degree aikido black belt. A blockbuster action star. A father. A dojo master. A police officer. A TV star. The first baby to ever do Karate (his own words). And a teacher of the most amazing and awesome kick that ever was, or will be!

However there is one thing he does not possess: his memory. During his post fight interview with Ariel Helwani, he could not remember his name (even though he had meet him several times) so he called him, "Interview Man" over and over and over again.

Then when asked by Ariel about the front snap kick he said in a previous interview that he invented and taught Silva and Machida, he stated: "People should not put words in my mouth. I did not invent the kick. I never said that". But he did, a few times. This dude is so hardcore he won't even let himself put words in his own mouth.

A Ground and Pound Highlight

When you look at all the arguments for how much more brutal MMA is than other combat sports, the typical fall-back is for detractors to bring up the fact that the combatants are allowed to strike each other while on the ground. While there is honestly no major difference in velocity and force between punching someone on a vertical or horizontal plane, there are technical differences, namely being that someone lying down can’t escape if they’re pinning, while a standing fighter can easily cut a corner if he’s back against a turnstile. Although MMA has produced not nearly as many fatalities, the mere fact that a dominant man can pin another and crush his face with punches or elbows it looks like he was born with Treacher-Collins Syndrome (research and ready your puke bucket), but this just happens in the mainstream, i.e., American circuits. The sadistic psychopaths of the Brazilian Vale Tudo events and the pathologically conforming Japanese have turned ground and pound from a simple tactic into, well…. a slightly more gruesome but equally simple tactic. Below are four of the best examples of the brutality of ground and pound.


Sergei Kharitonov v. Semmy Schilt – When it comes to ground and pound, most fighters aim for mounting and pounding an opponent, they do it while sitting on their waist. Sergei, being your typical Russian who possibly borders on violent paranoid schizophrenia, chose to instead sit on Schilt’s neck and pop him in the left eye with hammer fists. For an added bonus, since Japanese crowds are silent, you can hear the shrieks and cries of pain that Schilt slips out with every strike.

Jon Jones v. Matt Hamill – "HOLY CRAP STOP THE FIGHT!" I yelled this with every elbow Jones crashed into Hamill’s skull. Of course, this was pointless, because A) It was televised and B) the guy is deaf, yo. Of course, Jones was disqualified for using the 12-6 elbow drop, which was recently made illegal, but the aerial shot made of Hamill, blood pooling in the dents Jones left in his skull, was terrifying.

Mark Coleman v Igor Vovchanchyn – The wrestler who inspired the Coleman Clause and a decreed 'godfather of ground and pound (as if smashing someone’s face while they’re on the ground is a new notion, whatever)' Igor didn’t stand a chance in your typical wrestler vs. striker argument, and the twenty-plus knees he took to the forehead proves it.

Bob Sapp v. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira – Big Nog wins the prize for being one of the few men to endure a 360 pound black Godzilla power bombing him, breaking a dozen bones in his face with his turkey sized fists, and even going far enough to actually JUMP AND LAND HIS FIST DEAD CENTER ON NOG’S FACE (!) and then win the fight. Sure, he outclassed Sapp while standing by actually knowing how to box, but his insistence on wanting to finish by submission (as well as a nasty back injury) put him at a disadvantage.


Mr Brendan Rowe

The Brazilian Chuck Norris

Mr Harry Borovick pays homage to Chuck Norris' illegitimate son, Jose Aldo.

Firstly, I should clarify: Jose Aldo is not Chuck Norris' son, But if this were true, it would be better than if the UFC's very own Chuck had retired when everyone-but-him knew he should have. In light of this, here are 5 facts you never new about our favourite miniature Brazilian.

1. Jose Aldo's kicks hit so hard he doesn't have to kick a tree to cut it down. He kicks Urijah Faber and a tree falls because its scared.
2. Jose Aldo makes money on the side of fighting by killing cows via face punch for Burger King.
3. Jose Aldo doesn't give a shit, he is the shit.
4. If he gets angry he kicks everything he sees until Dana White hunts him down and fills him full of tranquillizer darts, like a Rhino.
5. Jose Aldo can beat the Incredible Hulk in a "how fast can you KO Cub Swanson" contest.

Knowing Knee, Knowing You: Adam Edwards

On Easter Sunday, up-and-coming British featherweight contender Adam Edwards steps into the cage with undefeated Swede Niklas Backstrom at Cage Warriors #41. Since he’s no stranger to Dagenham or tattoos, we thought we’d get Martin Ives to ask him about grappling with animals and urban discipline.



Q: What is your martial arts background? What disciplines have you trained in and for how long?

I am BJJ Brown Belt, training at the MMA clinic, under/alongside the legendary Michael Russell, Thai Boxing fight experience under the tutelage of Chris 'My Hero' Carley and Head MMA coach Paul 'I love BJJ' Hines. All in all I’ve been training close to 10 years now.

Q: What was the catalyst for taking up MMA?

For me, it's the challenge. I’m not a thug, I like the opportunity to put my nice demeanour of everyday life to one side for 3x5's. I don't wish any ill will upon anyone I fight. Their unfortunate discomfort is an ends to a means of my competitive nature. I go for the win, not to make up numbers.

Q: Your Cage Warriors record is 2-0 by submission - do you anticipate a submission victory on Sunday?

Actually its 3-0, I fought many many moons ago when I was a mere wet necked blue belt. It was Cage Warriors #5 verses a gentleman of the sport,Ozzy Haluk. 

Q: At this level, how much consideration do you give to an opponent's previous fights or do you concentrate on your own game?

I research my opponent' s vids whenever I can. I expect the worse situation and I deal with it.  

Q: By day you are a tattoo artist, does the fear of a hand injury, which could rob you of your livelihood, dictate your fighting style?

It's in the back of my mind, but fearing it too much would not allow me to do my deed.

Q: Since you work with ink, in your opinion, who has the best/worst tattoos in MMA?

Best tattoos in MMA? I would have to say are worn by some of my team members ;)  One that is possibly the most powerful- as everyone knows it, is Roger Huerta's Tribal piece. Worst is a Heavyweight's giant penis sword.

Q: As a Dagenham resident, London's poorest borough with the lowest life expectancy - do you think this living environment has toughened you up?

A little-I’m quite agile on me feet and a good runner as a result! Joking aside, I have to repeatedly explain to people I’m not interested in street fighting. I love competitive fighting, structured rules, where we're all on the same page, where we can do the same to each other - I have no issue with someone punching me as hard as possible, because I can and will return the favour - It's a fair fight.


Q: What is the largest animal you could submit?

I've rolled with a few shaved silverbacks - especially back in the days when I used to wrestle the absolutes (no -gi). I would like to see if I could kimura a chimp - crazy flexibility and power. If it got out it'd be pissed, quick footwork and a cheeky toe punt in the jacobs would solve that!




Q: Do you believe in the Phantom Knee?

Question is… Does the Phantom Knee believe in me? Believe!

The end credits:

Huge huge thanks to all my family, for understanding the commitment and sacrifices we all make in eye of my goal, my beautiful wife for being so tolerant, more so around the weight cut. Also www.themmaclinic.com – for being part of such a positive team, Alan at www.fightersmind.co.uk and Bret at www.conceptfitnessuk.com

Mr Edwards is brought to you by:

Chameleons Custom Tattoos
Facebook Group

Fedor: The Legacy

Following his almighty beasting at the hands of Bigfoot Silva in the Strikeforce Heavyweight Grand Prix, a lot has been made of where Fedor goes from here. Is now the time to call it day? Go out gracefully? Will his evil overlords even let him? It would appear not. So who's next for the fallen icon?

A HW fight with the current LHW champion, of course...

Anyway, Mr Harry Borovick takes a look at the legacy of Fedor and his imprint on MMA:

31-3-1 is an exceptionally impressive record for any type of modern professional combatant. But is a world-class record enough to really build a world-class legacy? This writer thinks not. Fedor will either be remembered by many as the greatest heavyweight to ever step into the cage, or as the most over-hyped, over-protected and over-lauded fighter that has arguably done more to damage the image of the sport than any other athlete in recent times (Jose Canseco doesn't count).

The way in which "The Last Emperor" allowed himself to be managed by the M-1global businessmen such as Vadim Finkelstein showed he did not respect MMA as a sport whatsoever. Those who respect the rise of mixed martial arts as a legitimate form of sports entertainment understand its popularity and growth stems from unified management by organizations rather than selective promoters (a la boxing). This has eliminated much of the ego in the forming of deals and the staging of fights. A fighter signs a contract, and then he consents to do whatever that organization tells him to do. At the very core of Dana White's success (and to some extent CEOs such as Scott Coker and Bjorn Rebney) is his establishment of who's the boss between them and their fighters. Obviously fighters have to be respected to a certain extent as they are the show-piece and the actual mechanism for profit, but no fighter is so exceptionally valuable that he out-values the entire organization for which he fights for. Even fighters such as Georges St. Pierre, the most marketable athlete in MMA, understands that their career and success depends on good fights, strong promotion and the health of the sport in general.

Fedor's time as a great fighter was up when he got demolished twice in two fights, even he had to admit that. It is in a way ridiculous that he would not have been fighting for Strikeforce, but would have been in the UFC fighting for a considerably higher sum and a better deal if he had not consented to the poor management of M-1. I say this is ridiculous because Fedor's record was only built up in the first place because of such extraordinarily selective fight choices up until that point. This shows that not only has poor management in Fedor's case by his manager Vadim Finkelstein built a fake legacy around a fighter, but that it has damaged the sport as a whole because when a fighter is built up so highly and then is knocked down so easily it damages the legitimacy of a sport. When there is such a high level of professionalism all fights are expected to be highly competitive, close, and entertaining. Watching Fedor he has been none of these for a considerable period of time, something which is highly concerning for anyone who cares about the health of this sport.

M-1, Vadim Finkelstein and others of the same school of management need to leave MMA well alone if the sport is ever to grow and be respected universally. This is by no means a dying sport like boxing, however it is certainly increasingly restrained by unscrupulous people trying to take advantage of sportsmen to make a quick buck and further purely selfish ambitions.

Staying British In The Face Of Defeat

So, another title shot, another loss. Another compilation of soul destroying images burnt forever into the retinas. It'll be a long time before we forget the sight of Nick Diaz dragging the camera towards Paul Daley to televise his struggle getting onto the stool to receive medical attention. Deplorable, of course...

...And yet, pride. As with every British sporting defeat there was that overwhelming stirring of national pride. The kind that has you on your feet, single tear running down the cheek as you struggle to remember past the first few lines of 'God save the Queen' *. It's that semi-satisfying sensation that only comes with being a plucky runner-up (not to be confused with quarter-final-exit-dejection). To put it into perspective: it's the difference between Dan Hardy Vs. GSP and Dan Hardy Vs. Carlos Condit. We may not have won the belt, but we won the hearts of those watching. It's a singularly British feeling that comes with years upon years of national practice at falling at the last hurdle or just before that, even.

I, for one, am f***ing sick of it.

'He came so close!'

'If only!'

'Early stoppage!'

I welcome the day when I have no need to use these tired, defeated, 'nearly man' exclamations. We're 0-2 in major title fights and potentially a long way from the next one (sorry Count, we both know it's true). Until the day Rob 'The Bear' Broughton takes his rightful place upon the reinforced heavyweight throne, it's going to be one hell of a dry spell.

So what now? Learn some takedown defence? We finally find the man willing to stand with a 'classic British striker' and he goes and f***s the whole thing up by being the resoundingly better boxer. Clearly somebody needs to give Mr Diaz a little history lesson on Britain and boxing/striking. Very rude.

With the above cathartic outpourings contenting our strained British souls for now, we at The Phantom Knee salute you Mr Paul Daley for being the closest runner-up we've had so far. You truly gave us a genuine 'He came so close!' to scream at our televisions (for those of us who actually paid) and the knowledge that, this time, we actually gave them a run for their money. Even if it was just under one round.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, we look to the future. Just maybe...





Mr Jimbo Slice

twitter.com/thephantomknee
twitter.com/Mr_Jimbo_Slice

* Of course I know all the words.

The Aftermath: An Interview With Luc Lamude

We recently interviewed our good friend and future MMA prospect, Luc Lamude, prior to his professional debut. Following his first round submission victory, we wanted to check in on the welterweight and take another look into his unique mind...



Q: Fresh from your 'blink and you'll miss it' victory, did you think it would end so quickly?

A: I go in mentally and physically prepared to fight a full five rounds if I have to I never underestimate an opponent nor do I give them any respect that I wouldn't hesitate to KO or submit them in the first minute.



Q: The mood of the audience noticeably changed when you made your entrance - was that the desired reaction?

A: To be honest I was completely oblivious to what the crowd was doing, whether it was positive or negative. I could feel a massive amount of energy in the air which is a good thing, as it intensifies my fight state and gives me Godlike energy to create spirit bombs and summon laser rain.



Q: Your flamboyant in cage persona visibly rattled Slicius - deliberate ploy or nerves? Did he attempt to play any minds games with you before the bout?

A: That's a hard one to explain... I've competed many times before in BJJ and have always had a slightly 'exotic' pre-fight warm up and persona to boot, which would always draw a lot of attention. I don’t really plan what I’m going to do I just feel it; it’s like going into character or switching personality. I kinda knew that to having an actual ring entrance with music, in front of a large audience would really bring out that alter ego.

I think the unorthodox behaviour and odd body language is just a by-product of my mental state, it visually lets the other guy know that he's in trouble and I'm here to go hard. It's more instinctive than logical or tactical even. Unlike his intentional ploy to play mind games with me, hitting a brick wall with his fists and roaring like a wild boar outside my locker room to psyche me out... He must have forgotten that walls don't usually try to double leg you and then try and snap your arm in an armlock...





Q: The pec-flexing during the referee's instructions was simultaneously the funniest/blatantly disrespectful thing I've seen in the cage for a long time - did you think you won the fight at that point?

A: At that point I wasn't even thinking I was just doing, all my actions just happen subconsciously.



Q: After eating an opening punch from Slicius, you immediately went for the takedown - were you not tempted to trade with him a little?

A: No, I was gonna stick to my gameplan of taking him down and dominating him on the ground, I knew that he was predominantly a kickboxer, so playing to his strengths would have been idiotic. There’s no point in making a fight hard for no reason. Obviously I'll come across someone down the line who I'll have to trade leather with, but if I don't have to, I won't. You don't get paid for overtime in the cage!



Q: After the takedown, you dragged Arunas from one side of the cage to the other, scoring the arm bar right in front of your corner - was it just to give them a better view?

A: Well I thought if I dragged him to the other side I would increase my probability of getting laid by showing off my hairy caveman body to more women than I would just one side... Oh and the slight strategic advantage of having my corner give me uplifting compliments like how nice my shorts are, and the fact that I have beautiful curly hair and such a fit, buff body.



Q: A number of your Team Terror Squad buddies were in action on the night - how did they all get on?

A: Well it was a really good night for Team Terror Squad - we won 4 out of 5. Ben Blake had a first round stoppage with a ground & pound onslaught as did Danny Lawson. Jonathan Williams fought a hard battle, he pulled off some beautiful takedowns and slams but his opponent had a real talent for getting back up to his feet. Eventually his opponent made the mistake of giving up his back and got RNC’d by Mr Williams FTW. My good friend Spencer Hewitt had his first loss unfortunately, he did really well, never got really beat up bad, but the other guy just nullified his strengths (Boxing & BJJ) with wrestling and G&P. This isn’t such a bad thing, he'll just go away and work on his weaknesses and come back better and stronger.



Q: What did you do to celebrate your victory? There's some rumours going around that you arm-barred a few kids in the pit of The Chariot gig...

A: Well... I never arm barred anyone... but… I did get caught by a flying knee to the face by some douche crowdsurfer. I kinda thought 'hmmmm that wasn't so bad'... until my nose started gushing blood like a tap ten seconds later... So I decided that I needed to clean up my already disfigured nose but didn't want to miss out on any of The Chariot pit filth, so I used a nearby scenesters white t-shirt as a makeshift tissue blowing vast amounts of claret and snot all over the pristine white shirt. The look of shock and disgust on his face was priceless, but I really don’t recommend trying this to anyone. Later on I drunkenly climbed my friend's roof ala Batman in an attempt to find sheltered accommodation due to losing my phone doing multiple cartwheels off the stage at The Chariot gig. Instead I scared her flatmate into believing she had a bearded rapist covered in blood on her roof and destroying a plastic bin in the process.. I had to repay the damages.... in waffles!



Q: Guessing this first taste of professional MMA fighting hasn't put you off - when is your next fight and what elements will you be looking to improve of your game?

A: Well CFC in June at the Circus Tavern seems to be on the cards. I’m always improving every area of my game, I still have a lot treats in my bag of secrets that I haven't had the chance to use yet... You'll have to wait and see.



Q: Normally at the end of a post-fight interview, the victor will thank his training partners, his sponsors, his kids, some random family member, finally finishing off with a shout out to God and an invite to an after-party - do you want to get that tacky business out of the way and add anything I've missed?

A: I would like to thank Boost bars for making my muscles huge like conkers and Chris Webb for being a legend... Oh and of course Farrell and TDON Records, The Phantom Knee, Alan Whitton of Fighter’s Mind, Ross & Spencer Hewitt, Carl Orris, Dev Singh, Lord Hell, The Chechen Muscle Force, Fruity, N. Dinnadge and my ever supportive family.


The official CWC video for Luc's fight can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmeshxwVCuY

Or if you prefer a flip cam view with us laughing and cheering in the background, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0dQ3E3Qqjo&feature=related

Thiago Silva: Extracting The Urine

Brandon Vera now has one of the more impressive excuses in UFC history and a possible 'NC' where there was once an 'L' on his record. The story behind it is unfolding to be one of the more intriguing in recent times. Mr Furay ponders this mystery...

Thiago Silva: Extracting The Urine...Literally

In possibly the funniest turn of events in not only MMA, but sport in general, Thiago Silva has admitted submitting a urine sample "not of human origin". Now we all know Thiago fought like a Silverback Gorilla with roid rage against Brandon Vera, even drumming a tune on Vera like he was a bongo at one stage, well maybe he is exactly that? Half man/half beast? A shaven Sasquatch, Bob Sapp with Vitiligo? The missing link even? The mind boggles.

Well our imaginations were brought to Earth with a bump when King Kong admitted to submitting an "adulterated sample". Adulterated? What does that mean? You fucked it behind your wife's back? Yeah you adulterated it alright Thiago, you adulterated it right up.

So now he's come clean about the whole thing, and said he will accept any punishment The NSAC hands him. WELL DONE THIAGO, NOT LIKE YOU HAD A CHOICE NOW IS IT!

There's a few questions I want answered right now...

1. Which animal did he get this sample from? Dog? Cat? Pig? Clay Guida?

2. Did it never cross his mind to submit another HUMAN sample? He should have asked Lyoto Machida, I'm certain he has plenty spare in the fridge.

3. If he wanted to dodge a drugs test, why didn't he go to Alistair Overeem? He's been doing it successfully for years. Oh no wait, I forgot, it's the horse meat.

Thiago Silva: Gives a whole new meaning to taking the piss.

The Debut: An Interview With Luc Lamude

On Saturday 19th March 2011, a dear friend of the Phantom Knee, Luc 'Tank' Lamude, makes his pro MMA debut at CFC: Ultimate Cage Fighting at the Brentwood Centre.

We thought it might be fun to have Martin Ives catch up with him the week before, find out where he's at mentally, physically and philosophically.





Q: So Luc, in one week you make your long awaited MMA debut (pro rules - 3x5minutes - knees & elbows allowed) after something of a misfire on 30th January - what went down in January?

A: Well, I was supposed to fight Liam Cullen under semi-pro MMA rules, but unbeknownst to me he had cleverly decided that he was bare hard and would fight twice in the same night. One fight kickboxing and the other with me, in that order.
When word got back to him that majority of people were betting on me to win via 'Rape' in the first round, as well as psyching him out with a baby oil/bodybuilding routine at the weigh-in, I think he started to question his chances. Hence him fighting a kickboxing fight, winning, having a bad leg, withdrawing from fighting me due to injury, and later on, drunkenly dancing on the same bad leg victoriously...
All I can say is that it was very frustrating for me to sacrifice so much, and train so hard and not even get to fight! Especially for all my friends who had come to support me. If I get the pleasure of being rematched with Mr Cullen in the future, I'll make it a personal matter of beasting him thoroughly, even more so for wasting my time, and my friends hard earned sterling.

Q: How long have you been training in martial arts for, and what motivated you to take the step up in competition and try MMA?

A: Well, when I was 13, I was obsessed with Dragon Ball Z and that made me want to train martial arts, so I started training in Shotokan Karate at my school. After a years' worth of practicing choreographed dance routines (kata), I became very frustrated with the fact we never did any live sparring. I saw UFC on a documentary and was fascinated by the idea of different styles fighting each other in a 'no-rules' contest.
Later on, I discovered my first UFC video. What I saw was not what I had expected... Strikers getting owned by Royce Gracie. Intriqued I searched 'Gracie' on the interenet and discovered there was an Academy in Dagenham, run by Marc Walder. I did one lesson of BJJ and quit Karate immediately. Since then, I have trained BJJ predomiantly ever since.

Q: You're fighting at welterweight for this one - how do you balance training/nutrition with a full time job? What will you be doing this week to ensure you are fighting fit for the 19th?

A: Yeah I'm fighting at 77kg/12st 1lb. I usually walk around at 13st. I usually cut most of the weight in water a few days before the weigh-in, and rehydrate back up to 13st. I've recently gone part time at work, so I only work 3 days a week, 7am-3pm, so it's not that hard really to balance everything.
In terms of food, I pre-prepare 3 days worth of meals at a time, so I haven't got to worry about cooking something healthy in a rush, especially since I'm going to so many different places to train. On my days off I train 2-3 times a day, workdays just once. In the last week before the fight, I train very light - just some pad work and light grappling. I do alot of mental prep... Visualistion in the float tank, and I do hypnosis with my mind coach who keeps me focused. I like to watch films and stuff my face the night before.

Q: As a young, attractive man with a reputation as a socialite - how do you strike a balance between a big night out and serious training?

A: Haha - Well if I'm 6 weeks away from a fight, I'll go out, but no alcohol most of the time. Every now and then I'll have a couple to relax. After the fight is different matter altogether! I usually get tramp drunk on just about anything I can put down my throat, and gorge myself to bloatation on the filthiest foods imaginable until I pass out.

Q: For many years you stopped watching MMA, only recently returning to the action - why did you stop watching it and do you think the sport has changed much since the days of Genki Sudo?

A: Yeah for a long while I had no interest in the MMA side of fighting and was a BJJ snob. I started BJJ because I was a fan of 'no-holds-barred', what has now evolved into MMA. Back in those days, the quality of MMA in Britain was light years behind America. In terms of places to train in quality MMA there weren't any. So I just kinda went with the flow of competing purely BJJ, and just stopped watching MMA and lost track of it all.
Later on, I got disillusioned with BJJ competition. I think due to it mainly becoming points fighting, with the ongoing fad to score a point or advantage, and them run or stall for the rest of the fight.
I think seeing my friend, Spencer Hewitt, do so well at MMA influenced me to try MMA and reminds me why I started BJJ in the first place - because I love MMA! These days everyone watches MMA - more than they do boxing! Britain has caught up on the MMA scene. There's a lot of good people to train with in Britain!
MMA has evolved massively since the Genki days. Everyone can do everything! Boxing - kicks - wrestling - BJJ, and the level of athletism is far greater. Welterweight and lighter divisions are stacked with a ridiculous amount of talented fighters! It's never been better in terms of entertainment and action!

Q: Moving on from that question, what modern fighters have impressed you?

A: Gee - there's too many!
Diego Sanchez all day - nothing beats his focus, especially with those psycho "YES" chants!
Former WEC champ Ben Henderson is another fighter who's always involved in exciting fights - great wrestling and invulnerable to submission.
Mike Brown - awesomely powerful for his weight and devastating ground and pound.
Guida! Relentless pace and crazy hair!
And The Korean Zombie has got some serious punishment threshold.

Q: Leading into this bout, what do you know about your opponent, and do you have anything you would him to know about you?

A: Not alot... He's a kickboxer and that's about it. Nope, he can find out on the night.

Q: There are a number of your Terror Squad team mates on the card in Brentwood - who should we be looking out for?

A: All of them are gonna tear it up, so I'd watch all of them! Spencer Hewitt, John Williams and Dan Lawson have all trained like beasts!

Q: A number of our mutual friends refer to you as 'Tank' - You don't look that much like Tank Abbott - what's with the name, and will you be using it as your moniker for your debut?

A: Definitely not! I'm not really a fan of nicknames. There was a drunken incident at a fesival last year, where I decided to become my alter-ego called 'The Tank'. The Tank thinks he is indestructible, and the only phrase he ever says is "I'm a Tank". Whilst projectile vomiting.

Q: Do you have a favourite type of tank?

A: Mammoth tank from C&C. If you play Red Alert 2, it's called the Apocalypse tank.

Q: Just before we finish, can we kill the elephant in the room? There is another MMA event on the 19th - UFC 128 - in fact, after watching you do your thing, we're going to hotfoot it back to Knee HQ and watch it - who is your pick - Shogun or Jones?

A: Jones!


Luc Lamude competes at CFC: Ultimate Cage Fighting, 19th March 2011, at The Brentwood Centre. For tickets: http://www.nationalboxoffice.co.uk/cage-fighter-championship-ticket-76.html

What Michael Did: A Thoroughly British Perspective

Seeing as how certain MMA sites are dishing out a less than even handed treatment of the whole Bipsingate, we figured we'd do the same.

RULE BRITANNIA, GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND ALL THAT.

We were going to start by saying how we don't IN ANY WAY condone the actions of Michael Bisping at UFC 127. We were then planning on following that up with how we feel HE SHOULD BE DISCIPLINED for spitting at Rivera's corner men and conducting himself in an unprofessional manner.

However, we're sick to death of hearing the campaign against Bisping. Especially from the team that spent so much time mocking him and winding him up in the first place. It's like the kid in your class who spends all day poking fun and flicking bogeys at the geek only to run crying to teacher when the geek starts throwing some punches (and illegal knees).

HE SHOULD BE CUT FROM THE UFC, IT'S AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE.

OK, just so long as this is made a precedent and we start 'back dating' these sort of infractions. Anyone caught cheating shall be dealt with... Cheick can go for his many, many groin shots, Tito can go for grabbing the fence so flagrantly against Machida, Marquardt for basically the entire Leites fight, Koscheck for the knees that never were and Kenny Florian just 'cos I just don't like his face. Obviously these are completely different offences and I'm clutching at straws somewhat.

Let's just cut the crap and sum it all up shall we:

YOU JUST DON'T LIKE HIM.

He's British, he's confident and he occasionally beats mid-tier opponents. Ultimately he's no more cocky than any of other fighter that claims victory before the fight. Something they all do without fail. The Rangers mocked and wound him up and it backfired. Apparently a pissed off Count is actually a far more dangerous proposition than the point-fighting-decision-winner they may have otherwise faced.


Now, before you angrily pound away at your keyboard to let us know just how wrong we are and how we're condoning the actions of an over-emotional idiot, read between the lines a bit here (the first paragraphs especially). Playing Devil's advocate is hard, seeing from both sides is surprisingly easy. We advise you listen to Jordan Breen's level headed analysis on Sherdog's 127 'Beatdown after the Bell' podcast. We wholeheartedly agree with him.



THIS WAS WRITTEN TO GET A REACTION OUT OF YOU, NOTHING MORE.

The t-shirt however, was from the heart (and meant to be in the spirit of things...) x

'Dear Jorge, Go HARD or Go HOME. Now Ranger OFF!'

Reasons Why British MMA Will Inevitably Overtake The USA

Before you read this we'd like you to a couple of things for us:

1. Take a deep breath.
2. Remember that we are all one and there is no 'us' or 'them' only 'we'.

That said, f***ing bring it on!

Reasons why British MMA will inevitably overtake the USA

By Harry Borovick

Not so long ago, Japan was the world leader in providing MMA fans with blood-fests for the our televisual pleasure. Now, the USA is undoubtedly viewed the leader, not just because of their media dominance through the UFC and Strikeforce, but because there is a perception that their system produces greater athletes for home fans to cheer for. Here are three, unashamedly cliché reasons why British and European MMA has lagged behind but will inevitably overtake the USA in producing quality products.

1. “The Count” Bisping (aka Hendo punching bag) is a prime example of a British MMA fighter who has been beaten by dominant wrestlers despite being a well rounded and arguably better fighter than those who beat him. It is easy to argue Bisping technically is better at clinching and striking than fighters like Dan Henderson. The problem arises when he gets out wrestled, gasses because of this and then lets his hands down (we know what happens next: “limey-mocking”. Therefore clearly the key to already better British fighters doing well internationally is increased wrestling ability, something we're already seeing in fighters throughout British MMA. Surely this means it's just a matter of time till wrestling credentials alone from the US wont be enough to make Brits wet themselves.

2. American MMA fighters come from two American disciplines, wrestling and what the colonials call football. From Bobb Sapp to Ben Askren we see this has been a staple of American MMA since their fighters showed up in Pride. Therefore the Americans have basically one talent; tackling. Brits do this as well, but they do it in a masculine way, without pads, its called Rugby. Because Brits are not overly concerned with this, we produce more well rounded fighters who, from a young age, focus on actual fighting rather than sharing showers with other shoulder-pad-wearing men. Case in point, Dan Hardy. Taekwondo and grappling from a young age. British emphasis on fighting rather than simply running and tackling is clearly going to make us superior in the long run. Need proof? Anyone ever see Bobb Sapp actually striking against anyone who wasn’t an American wrestler? No? Watch him vs Cro Cop, enjoy, thank me later.

3. The final reason is short and simple. Americans don’t have a fighting tradition apart from wrestling. Americans try to claim boxing for themselves. It's not, it's British. Who cares if they claim to produce the best fighters. Anyone who followed Joe Calzaghe will agree, they may have more, but we invented it and we have our fair share of talent. Basically, just because we don't always win at a sport, doesn't mean others can claim it for themselves. British cricket, football and rugby fans will all know what I'm saying. Its just a matter of time 'till proud British history of fighting overtakes the yank arrogance of stealing British national identity.

Basically, Britain's closing the gap.

(Extra note: This entire article is a waste of time because we all know Brazilians just end up beating everyone)



We warned you...

Brock Lesnar Autobiography Exclusive

In this hard hitting expose of the most dangerous man in MMA sports entertainment we get to meet the man behind the myth, the champion under the beard and the chump cowering in the corner. It's ALL in here:

"It gives Brock Lesnar great pleasure to bring you this booknovel about Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar is the undefeated champion in all divisions in the sport of UFC. Brock Lesnar once killed a deer."

We get the inside story of what REALLY happened at UFC 121:

"Brock Lesnar presented Cain Velascuez with the script for UFC 121 in which Brock Lesnar dominates Cain Valesqeus with his superior wrestling skills and manbeard. Clearly Cain Velasskez doesn't play by the rules..."

Never before seen photos:

"This is Brock Lesnar punching Frank Murr in the face. This is Brock Lesnar punching a deer in the face. This is a gun."

And much, much more! So grab a COORS lite, tell the wife to f*** off and punch your way into 'No!...Please!...Not the face!!'

2010 MMA Retrospect

We've let the other media outlets have their say and now we're laying down the truths of 2010.

2010 MMA Retrospect
by Shayne Grier

It's hard to recap such an amazing year of the fastest growing sport in the world. But I'll try to give you a few of my favorite fights, KO's, and downright entertaining moments the year of 2010 Mixed Martial Arts has had to offer (Shayne style). I'm sure I missed some of the moments that made this year so amazing, so please feel free to comment and let me know some of your favorite moments and happenings of the last 12 months.


My Top Five Moments of 2010

Five:

As Goldberg called it, “The fight of the century”, of course this comes from the mouth of a dude who also said, “If Jardine's last name were Johnson, the nickname Dean of Mean would make no sense”. So, I say we meet somewhere in the middle and call it one of the most entertaining fights in the history of Mixed Martial Arts. Leonard Garcia vs Chan Sung Jung was not a clinic on how to fight nearly as much as it was a clinic on how to take a punch. If you are a fight fan who enjoys wild haymakers, looping bombs, a complete disregard for technique, and every punch thrown is going for the fences, then this is a fight you'll have saved on your DVR for a century.

Four:

Watching Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos punish Jan Finney until she not only broke her will, but her sternum as well. There is nothing better than watching two hot chicks go at it, just too bad we will never get to see that as long as Santos is champion. The “Cyborg” will be champion as long as she wants to be, because there is no woman on the planet that has even the slightest chance against her. Unless of course Joanie Laurer decides to train some MMA and drop about 35 pounds of plastic surgery. I say lets really prove that our culture is about equality and have Santos fight Gilbert Melendez in a unification bout. At least it would almost be a fair fight, for Melendez.

Three:

Mayhem inducing, well, mayhem. What started as a fun little way for Jason Miller to build some hype around a rematch with Shields turned into a one on fifteen “Bully Beatdown”. You will not see Mayhem throw one punch, however the boys from the Cesar Gracie camp throw 43 punches and kicks (Yes I counted) to Miller's back, kidneys, face, and stomach. But who gets the harshest punishment? Of course the man who obviously was smirking when approaches Shields in the ring. Then to top it all off, Gus Johnson spews even more embarrassment over the issue when he says, “Sometimes these things happen in MMA, a lot of testosterone in the cage.”

Really, I mean, really? I've only seen something similar one other time; In “Pride” when Mark Coleman broke Shogun's arm. Get your facts straight Gus or better yet, stick to commentating basketball and football, where those things do happen sometimes.

Two:

The day the Last Emperor killed his own legacy. No, I wasn't happy in the moment I saw a decades worth of hype die within the clutches of Werdum's Triangle Armbar, but Dana White was. I'm still trying to figure out which is worse, losing to a UFC reject or turning down a UFC contract, then losing to said reject.

One:

Anderson Silva submitting Chael Sonnen after letting him win until there was just the right amount of time left on the clock to do the unthinkable. Yes, I believe that Anderson allowed Sonnen to be the Ike to his Tina for twenty three minutes, then slowly and deliberately the spider lured the politician into his web and suffocated him. What makes this victory even more sweet is that Chael tested positive for steroids after the fight. Losing to Anderson with only 8% of the fight left while hyped up on steroids has to leave him feeling uber flaccid.


Top KO's of 2010

(1) Mike “Mini-Nelson” Russow gets beat down for the entire fight by Todd “Former Prospect” Duffee then, to prove once again anything can happen in MMA, Russow lays Duffee out cold and sends him packing right out of the UFC. Classic comeback, I'd say, if I dare it was, “The Comeback of the Cen-churro”.

(2) Carlos Condit knocking out Dan Hardy was a moment in which I stood up and said, “Whaaaaaaaaaat?”. I was very surprised when Hardy got laid out with that hook and then when I watched the replay and saw Hardy coming at Condit with almost the exact same punch, I could do nothing but be impressed. Talk about beating someone to the punch.

(3) Rich Franklin's “bait and punch” knockout of Chuck Liddell was another one of those moments in 2010 when I screamed at the Television in disbelief. Rich does his Trademark wobble leg dance, Chuck smells blood, then Rich makes him taste his own red blood cells with a short right hook and a quick follow up left.

(4) Joe Warren's unrelenting onslaught to dethrone the once debated P4P great Joe Soto. Warren accomplished three things with that KO. He handed Soto his first loss, he won the Bellator Featherweight Championship, and he proved that Bellator is one of the best fight organizations out there. Look out Strikeforce because Bellator is bringing the heat and they aren't making us pay for Showtime to enjoy great fights.

(5) Maximo Blanco swarming Rodrigo Damm with just about every kick and punch in the Combat Almanac until Damm is left looking like Daniel Day-Lewis in “My Left Foot”. All I can say about this one is, if you haven't seen it, Google it. You will not be disappointed.

(6) Cain Velasquez crushing Big Nog's “Homer Simpson-esque” brain abnormality with several punches that would have knocked out a Buffalo.

(7) Cole Escovedo goes low with a toe kick and then slaps Yoshiro Maeda in the face with a high kick. A double kick of beauty that leaves Maeda to hit the ring with such force that it caused a Tsunami in New York.

(8) Nick Diaz knocking out Marius Zaromskis. Sure it took just shy of forty-five punches to finally finish off “Mini-CroCop”, but just as the famous inventor George Washington Carver has taught us, quantity always wins over quality.

(9) Paul Daley treating Scott Smith to a romantic dinner at “Starbucks”. Can somebody please tell Hands of Steel when he wakes up from that KO that he needs to stop trying to recreate his famous fight with Pete Sell. It's just so, 2006.

(10) Gerald Harris slamming David Branch into the SportCenter top ten. Branch pulls guard on Harris and learns a very valuable lesson; He is not Royce Gracie, and this is not UFC 1.



Final 2010 Awards:

The Sticky Award:

Winner: Paul Daley - For landing one last “Semtex” upside the head of Josh Koscheck's big noggin before packing his bags and heading to the C-List organizations.


The Copyright Infringement Award:

Winner: Chuck Liddell - For stealing “Ace's” catch phrase. “If I'm not back in five minutes...Just wait longer”.


The Russian Mafia Award:

Winner: Fedor Emelianenko - For letting Vadim Finkelstein make it so difficult for organizations to procure his services that we barely get to see you fight once a year. Is he the greatest fighter in the history of the sport? Debatable. Is he the most mysterious? Absolutely.


The Botched Feud Award:

Winner: Brock Lesnar - For being so dazed and confused after getting handed a whoppin' for the ages by Cain Velasquez that he forgets to hype his match with The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 27. Mark Callaway tries to get “The NBT” back on track as he passes by saying “You wanna do it?”, but Brock doesn't even remember his own name at this point, let alone who the mean looking Hell's Angel is that's asking him out on a date.


The Pentennial Award:

Winner: Alistair Overeem - For defending the Strikeforce Heavyweight Championship for the first time in five years, against a man coming off a loss none-the-less. Hey Demolition Man, we all know you are a destroyer, but, can we at least see you defend that farce of a title at least once a year. Pretty please?


The Not-So-Bees-Knees Award:

Winner: Frank Mir - For bringing back the old lethargic post motorcycle accident Mir and still managing to knock out Mirko Filipovic with the weakest knee in the history of MMA.


The Cowardly Lion Award:

Winner: Tito Ortiz - For pulling out of his third fight with Chuck Liddell because of “Back problems”. Listen, Tito we all know you just didn't want to get laid out cold for a third time by the Iceman. It's cool, it's cool, we get it.


The Talk Is Cheap Award:

Winner: James Toney - For wasting his entire training camp leading up to his fight with Couture practicing verbal jabs instead of defending against single legs. Toney did talk the talk, but it is really hard to walk the walk when you're laying on your back with “The Natural” on top of you.


The Street Fighter Award:

Winner: Anthony Pettis - For blowing the minds of every MMA fan by jumping off the cage wall and nearly knocking Ben Henderson out with a move right out of Vega's playbook. In the last minute of the last round of the last fight of the last WEC Anthony Pettis proved that we have just scratched the surface of unbelievable moments in the history of Mixed Martial Arts.


2010? We're already compiling the highlights of 2011. That's how far ahead of the game we are...

Ode to the Journeyman

Mr Brendan Rowe's:

Ode to the Journeyman

The nature of the elite maintains that only a very small percentage of men and women will inhabit the upper echelon. This fact holds true for everyday life as well as sports; in combat sports, it is also a painfully obvious fact. Most boxing-related casualties stem from six-round slug-fests between two journeymen. Journeymen, of course, make up the gristle of competitors in MMA. They are the men we never talk about unless they, through hard work, determination, and luck, beat all odds and amaze us with a reckless display of ability. They tend to win against long odds in such spectacular fashion it almost seems like a rigged match. Why else couldn't they have won sooner and saved themselves from the medical bills? Is it talent or sheer dumb luck? Why don't they break off into the levels of elitism themselves? Why do I keep asking rhetorical questions?

MMA needs its journeymen just as much as society needs its heavy laborers and grocery baggers. Journeymen may find fame eluding them, but they gain note through the rare times that they actually beat somebody. Some journeymen are only mentioned and remembered because they provided that one embarrassing loss on another fighter's spotless record. In this court, journeyman is king.

Randy Couture is lord and master of the journeymen. I expect that many of you, upon reading this, are asking exactly what the hell I'm talking about, but just think about his record. Couture is a mixed bag of wins and losses who is remembered for coming out against long odds and standing his ground against men who are supposed to roll right over him. It isn't his talent that wins him fights and has made him a five-time champion; it’s the grit and determination of a journeyman. Couture, like most journeymen, is consistently at a disadvantage against his opponents (on paper), but always finds a way to win, if not be embarrassed. An opponent of The Natural, Gabriel Gonzaga, is only remembered for his head kick knock-out of Mirko Cro Cop and the ensuing title shot. He has no large fan base or claim to fame otherwise, and falls under the opposite spectrum of the journeyman: the one-shot.

The one-shot journeyman tends to fight his heart out one his way to a title shot, in which he is inevitably and inexplicably defeated. Nearly everybody that Anderson Silva has fought in recent history is one-shot journeyman. Of the last four title defenses, two men are no longer in the UFC (Thales Leites and Patrick Cote), one is fighting one of the Ultimate Fighter winners that we don't care about, and the other is mistaken for some Hispanic guy. However, Anderson Silva has been victimized by the journeyman. Flash back to 2003. Anderson Silva is fighting Daiju Takase, a nobody with a 9-13 record who is only notable through the fact that he once submitted Anderson Silva with a triangle choke, effectively ending the Spider's nine fight winning streak. Otherwise, Takase is a hack. Jump forward to 2004, and Silva is fighting another heavy underdog in Ryo Chonan. Silva smacks Chonan down for nearly seventeen minutes (note: PRIDE FC rounds were ten minutes, five minutes, and five minutes. Sadistic, eh?). Finally, Chonan leaps into a flying scissor takedown and transitions into a heel hook. Silva taps and cries like Forrest Griffin.

What did Anderson Silva learn from his humiliating submission losses? He learned to never keep a man backed into a corner for too long, and he learned to FEAR the submission specialist. Feel free to talk jive about his poor performances against Demian Maia and Thales Leites, but know that those performances stem from the fact that he lost to men who weren’t as recognized as these two. If he hadn’t lost by submission in his past, he might not still be the champion.

Cung Le was a very celebrated Sanshou fighter who held an undefeated record in Sanshou and kickboxing circles. As a mixed-martial artist, he was expected to cruise into an undefeated streak. He learned the hard way about backing a man into a corner for too long. Cung Le had built up a year and a half worth of ring rust pursuing an acting career before stepping back into a cage to regain his abandoned Strikeforce belt. His opponent was a gimme; Scott Smith, a former UFC contender known for taking a beating and somehow snatching come-from-behind victories. Cung Le, like Mirko Cro Cop before him, was expected to sail into an easy victory for a title shot. For twelve minutes, it looked like he would. However, his inability to finish a technically inferior fighter cost him his immaculate record and Cung Le is stopped by a desperate last-attempt flurry. Sure, Cung Le avenged that lost a few months later, but it was proven that he is not invincible. Fighting in the movies is all he does now.

If a fighter is told he is invincible for long enough, he starts to believe it. Fedor Emelianenko had gone from the 21st of May, 2000 to the 7th of November, 2009 with only one loss on his record, and this loss is contended and deserves an asterisk due to the illegality of the maneuver that caused it. Still, Emelianenko was considered by many to be a different breed, a chubby Russian juggernaut that steamrolled over every opponent set before him, regardless of size or odds. In steps Fabricio Werdum. Werdum had won several grappling competitions, including the ADCC, CBJJ, and PAC competitions several times, but was an underdog and had mediocre striking ability. Fedor had fought other jiu-jitsu masters and won in several decision victories (Big Nog twice, Ricardo Arona, Renato Sobral), and was expected to go into his tenth year without being defeated. Believing in his invincibility, he makes a rookie mistake and falls on/pursues Werdum to the ground. One minute and nine seconds into the fight, the juggernaut had been stopped by submission.

As the dust settles and the sun rises, as the blood is cleaned from the cage and the warriors retire to their beds, one man is left holding the torch. The journeyman remains a constant threat to other competitors. What he lacks in natural ability and talent he makes up for with piss and vinegar. The journeyman will take a fight against any odds, even against the elite. He might not always win, he might not put on a good show when he takes a whomping, but every so often, he writes his name in the pages of the sport’s history in spectacular fashion. We expect the Silva’s, the Emelianenko’s, and the Le’s to be great, so much so that their wins don’t impress us in the slightest. What are more impressive are the average men who, by the grace of god, find a way to stop these monsters. It may be the only fights they’re known for, but it sure as hell beats the anonymity of the mediocre.

The Rear View Mirror: UFC 125

Forget the new year, we at TPK HQ are ill. Very ill. So ill in fact that we cancelled our usual legendary fight night gathering in favour of lying in bed, crying salty tears of self pity and hatred for the world.

That's not to say we haven't seen what happened, but probably best we leave it to 'Big' Stu Furay...

UFC 125: Resolution

With the strains of Auld Lang Syne still ringing in our ears, and Jagerbombs still on our tastebuds, UFC kicked off 2011 with the genially titled Resolution. Would this event get 2011 off to a flyer, or would it stink worse than one of my Boxing Day farts? With Edgar/Maynard II as the main event, I had my reservations, which were proved very wrong indeed.

- Marcus 'I'm more Irish than a pint of Guinness on St Patrick's Day' Davis, will surely be doing the River Dance closer to the exit door after to his latest loss to Jeremy Stephens, who proved it only takes one punch to end a fight.

- Brandon Vera will need the number of a good plastic surgeon after Thiago Silva nearly bitch-slapped his nose clean off his face, leaving it more badly broken than my own Resolution not to visit RedTube. Vera's another fighter who is surely on thin ice.

- Phil Baroni's time is surely up after Brad Tavares handed him another loss. With a record of 13-13 overall, and 0-2 since his surprise UFC return, he must be worried for his future. Any man that puts on sunglasses during his introduction deserves a damn good beating.

- Josh Grispi must be thanking his lucky stars that Jose Aldo was injured. If Dustin Poirier kicked his arse that easily, just imagine what Aldo would have done?

- The look of pure bewilderment on Takanori Gomi's face was just class, as half man/half mongrel Clay Guida moshed his way to victory, putting Gomi into a state of hypnosis with his swinging hair before choking him out.

- Brian Stann's first round KO of Chris Leben wasn't as impressive as it first seemed, I mean Leben was probably still pissed from New Years Eve.

- Frankie Edgar's fights last longer than most peoples New Years resolutions, but God himself only knows how he got out of the first round. And I don’t know exactly how they did it, but the judges probably came up with the right result, declaring it a draw in a very close thriller.

- And finally, in the wise and eloquent words of Gray Maynard himself......"Happy Fuckin' New Year!"


You know what we got for Xmas? No, nor do we. We know it's a virus, we think it might be the Brock strain. Still, could be worse, eh?

NICE NOSE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.

Judging

The time is December 4th, we're all recovering from the UFC and Strikeforce going head-to-head whilst Matt Lindland, Scott Smith and Babalu are still regaining consciousness. There was something else that stood out from this weekend, however...

Allow Gregg Roach to transport you back to that time (because we were too ill to deliver this when it happened) and look at the truth behind this.


This past weekend, MMA fans were treated to a smorgasbord of bouts from the sport's top promotions UFC and Strikeforce. However, though Saturday night offered an unexpected series of knockouts from resilient underdog Strikeforce ("KO's for X-mas" anybody?), the UFC served up a trademark series of decisions that continued to show the organization's similarly trademark problem with incompetent judging. Namely, Team Jackson fighter Leonard Garcia, already the recipient of a questionable decision victory this year, got the nod over former TUF contestant Nam Phan in a bout Phan clearly dominated . The controversial decision sparked an assault against the UFC, with speculations of bribery and corruption. However, many people, including outspoken UFC commentator, Joe Rogan, downplayed the UFC's involvement, blaming the Athletic Commissions for hiring underqualified judges. But, with the UFC, and former sister company WEC, at the center of most of the judging muff-ups this year, is there not reason to believe that the promotion has some involvement in the supposed "judging epidemic?" A gratuitous glance around the Octagon says "YES!"

And, no, we are not referring to that psycho, Diego Sanchez (though we're sure he would agree with our conclusion). We're referring to the sumptuous smile and ample bosoms of UFC ring-card girl, Arianny Celeste. A quick survey of the UFC's recent judging fiascoes shows no constant judge as the culprit of the contentious calls (though there's a subtle correlation with Cecil Peoples). However, a consideration of other factors reveals one common denominator - Arianny Celeste. This ever-present beauty can be seen floating around the ring at every last one of the UFC's matches called under scrutiny. Machida/Shogun I - Arianny. Brilz/Nogueira - Arianny. Sherk/Dunham - Arianny. Rampage/Machida - Arianny. It is suspected that the past year's influx in faulty calls came in the wake of the UFC's decision to employ only two ring-card girls after UFC 107. This decision to cycle between two girls instead of three is believed to have increased the total amount of time Arianny's delectable body is exposed for all, including the judges, to see. This increased exposure, in turn, caused increased distraction of the judges and increased inattention to the actual fights, which lead to coin-flip calls. Similar to the UFC, the WEC's issues with judging were shown to involve the consistent presence of ring-card girl Brittney Palmer. However, Palmer's effect on questionable calls is smaller than Celeste's, likely because of the WEC's tendency to put on fast-paced, exciting fights that command spectators' undivided attention.

With the UFC's absorption of the WEC and acquisition of Palmer, there's bound to be an even higher influx of knee-jerk decisions. Our proposed solution- keep Chandella Powell as the sole ring-card girl of the Octagon. While statistical analyses revealed that Celeste and Palmer have significant effects on the presence of questionable calls, Powell was proven to have no effect on judges' calls - WHATSOEVER. Thus, with only Powell bumbling around the cage, judges will remain unfazed and fully focused on the fights. In addition, it may be important to note that ancillary analyses revealed that the presence of occasional ring-card girl, Rachelle Leah, showed a slight effect on questionable calls. We conclude that it is probably best if Leah continues to be used sparingly (and in NO WAY is joined with Palmer and Celeste. The projected effect will be too large to ensure competent judging, or attention to the matches at all).

So, is the UFC to blame for its cases of bad judging? In an indirect way, yes. While the UFC may not be at fault for appointing the judges, it is undeniably at fault for employing distractingly attractive women whose mere presence interferes with judges' abilities focus on fights (Maybe now Cecil Peoples can be viewed as less of a hater of leg-kicks, and more of a lover of fine women). We know many readers will find our solution drastic, or even unnecessary, but we must save the UFC, and MMA, from the excess of bad calls that is indisputably killing both. And so, it is time for our young sport to make the mature decision to do away with its lust of luscious breasts and buxom backsides, so we can continue our love of battle-hardened men pommeling one another in the spirit of unadulterated competition.

TPK's Revised Rules Of MMA - Part Two: Real World Rules Of MMA

One of these days we'll be made World Governing Body of MMA, until that day comes we'll continue to share with your our overflowing wells of knowledge and our vision of a brighter future. A future where all men must compete in cages made of sharks teeth, with gloves made of razor wire and under the supervision of robotic judges and a Judge Dredd like referee who, rather than stand-up the fighters, cuts their heads clean off with a 6 foot samurai sword. NO MERCY FOR THE BLANKETING WRESTLER!

Anyway, we'll leave you in the slightly more merciful hands of Mr Harry Borovick:



The 10 Real-World Rules of MMA

1. Saying a bad word against GSP in Canada is punishable by water-boarding (under the supervision of Jean-Charles Skarbowsky).

2. If you think Koscheck is funny, you're no older than 6.

3. You can be perceived as practically invincible for years, despite looking like the Michelin Man (I'm looking at you Fedor), but inevitably someone always ends up beating up the fat kid.

4. Judging accuracy is based on how long the judges aren't on their phones checking their Ebay bids.

5. Bruce Buffer will never be out of a job. If he isn't around to shout it, people will forget which sport they've paid to watch.

6. Being a massive douchebag to fans and other fighters will guarantee you a job in fight sports. FACT: everyone loves to see a loudmouth get hit.

7. Alistair Overeem can kick you so hard he will force your liver to shut down. Nothing to do with "advanced supplements", obviously.

8. Lesnar's beard does the impossible. It makes a man who already looked like a mass murdering version of the Hulk, look more intimidating. Now he looks like a viking Godzilla murderer. (Note: Increased facial hair does not increase ability to defend against Mexicans.)

9. Karo Parisyan is a badass. It doesn't matter if he loses. The man fights with a hole in his leg. That's as close as we're going to get to seeing disabled vs able bodied fighting sports.

10. Rob Broughton. Nothing more need be said.


Whilst we tend to agree with the above, number 10 being particularly poignant, we're fairly certain we've seen a 'man' with no limbs get a tasty BEASTING. Also, see the blog later this week for an alternative take on number 4...

TUF 12: A Mini Bloguette

Following the fallout from the explosive Ultimate Fighter Season 12 finale, our very own Troy Nelson looks at the legacy of everyone's favourite reality TV show.

What can you say about The Ultimate Fighter? Widely regarded as the zeitgeist capturing TV event that changed public perception towards the sport we love from 'No Holds Barred' fighting, to actually understanding the unbelievable levels of commitment (or not, in the case of that fat fuck Southworth) required to make it as a professional mixed martial artist.

Fast forward to present day, Season Twelve - Team GSP vs Team Koscheck reached a scintillating climax with Jonathan 'Merman' Brookins edging a decision over 'Not That' Michael Johnson. With his unstoppable takedowns, 'The Merman' joins other elite Ultimate Fighter winners such as Court McGee, Efrain Escudero, James Wilks and the world's toughest vegan Mac Danzig.

Now a lot of MMA commentators, in both print and online, have suggested that maybe the format has gotten a little stale. Hmmmm... I'm more likely inclined to blame the very mediocre fighters dutifully trotted out every few months for their shot at the 'bigtime' that we're supposed to get behind. Bruce Leeroy? He's not exactly Chris 'The Pisshead' Leben in terms of charisma or eccentricity is he?

In recent times, the only fighters who have actually looked 'world class' have been Roy Nelson (who already had a proven track record), Ryan Bader *shudders* and Ross Pearson (at a push). The last season that actually had compelling new combatants was Season Three. In 2006.

The Knockout Barometer

Knockouts are fun, but what are they worth? Where does a particular knockout register in the grand scheme of things? Mr Brendan Rowe helps us to gauge the impact of a knockout with the Knockout-O-Meter.


The DEFINITIVE Knockout Barometer
Or, the Knockout-O-Meter

We're all honest enough to admit that the only reason we watch MMA is to see somebody get their shit wrecked. If we wanted to see technique, we'd watch collegiate wrestling, Olympic Tae Kwon Do, or the Grappler's Quest tournament. However, in no way do these mediums sate our blood lust: we want to see Jon Jones implode another deaf guy's face, or Rampage drive another Brazilian ten feet into concrete. This is because most of us are nothing but a bunch of cowardly spectators, really. But, there are some that actually train for competition, and to those few, I salute you. With that, here is a barometer to compare your striking ability to.

If you can knock out Andrei Arlovski... then you've got pillow hands. Jake Shields could knock out Arlovski. Aron Ralston could knock out Arlovski, and only with his nub. If this is the best you can do, maybe stick to ground and pound.

If you can knock out Todd Duffee... then you are one lucky sumbitch. Seriously. I sure do hope the concussions and the likeness to Homer Simpson are worth it. If you can knock out Duffee, consider working on accuracy and not getting punched in the face so often.

If you can knock out Stefan Struve... then you've got some seriously long arms. How do you even manage to walk, being so disproportional? The guy is over ten feet tall! If you can knock out Struve, you're somewhat decent, but consider using that 100 inch wingspan of yours to knuckle walk into the cage. You'll scare all the other males, at least.

If you can knock out Keith Jardine... then you're clearly a bomber, although your long-term success may be questioned. Of the few people that have managed to put Jardine in dreamland, only half of them have remained relevant. One lost to Kimbo, the other is forgotten for more likeable Silvas, namely Anderson and Wanderlei.

If you can knock out “Rampage” Jackson... then you must have had titanium implants in your kneecaps. How else could you manage to stop the two-time slayer of the Iceman? Outside of lay and pray, that is.

If you can knock out Antonio Rrrrodrigo Noguiera... then you are either the bane of Brock Lesnar, or his punching bag. Hitting this hard not only means you're more accurate than Fedor, but also that you have more freakish power than Bob Sapp. Rejoice, you're truly a freak of nature.

If you can knock out Kazuyuki Fujita... then you must obviously take steroids. Fujita's body had to develop to accommodate his thirty five pound head, leading to no neck and a physique that screams “NEANDERTHAL!” Fujita's skull is thick enough to survive a nuclear blast, which has caused Japanese scientists to develop fallout shelters synthesized from his bone structure. Knocking him out deserves the Overeem Award for Mindless Violence.