Judging

The time is December 4th, we're all recovering from the UFC and Strikeforce going head-to-head whilst Matt Lindland, Scott Smith and Babalu are still regaining consciousness. There was something else that stood out from this weekend, however...

Allow Gregg Roach to transport you back to that time (because we were too ill to deliver this when it happened) and look at the truth behind this.


This past weekend, MMA fans were treated to a smorgasbord of bouts from the sport's top promotions UFC and Strikeforce. However, though Saturday night offered an unexpected series of knockouts from resilient underdog Strikeforce ("KO's for X-mas" anybody?), the UFC served up a trademark series of decisions that continued to show the organization's similarly trademark problem with incompetent judging. Namely, Team Jackson fighter Leonard Garcia, already the recipient of a questionable decision victory this year, got the nod over former TUF contestant Nam Phan in a bout Phan clearly dominated . The controversial decision sparked an assault against the UFC, with speculations of bribery and corruption. However, many people, including outspoken UFC commentator, Joe Rogan, downplayed the UFC's involvement, blaming the Athletic Commissions for hiring underqualified judges. But, with the UFC, and former sister company WEC, at the center of most of the judging muff-ups this year, is there not reason to believe that the promotion has some involvement in the supposed "judging epidemic?" A gratuitous glance around the Octagon says "YES!"

And, no, we are not referring to that psycho, Diego Sanchez (though we're sure he would agree with our conclusion). We're referring to the sumptuous smile and ample bosoms of UFC ring-card girl, Arianny Celeste. A quick survey of the UFC's recent judging fiascoes shows no constant judge as the culprit of the contentious calls (though there's a subtle correlation with Cecil Peoples). However, a consideration of other factors reveals one common denominator - Arianny Celeste. This ever-present beauty can be seen floating around the ring at every last one of the UFC's matches called under scrutiny. Machida/Shogun I - Arianny. Brilz/Nogueira - Arianny. Sherk/Dunham - Arianny. Rampage/Machida - Arianny. It is suspected that the past year's influx in faulty calls came in the wake of the UFC's decision to employ only two ring-card girls after UFC 107. This decision to cycle between two girls instead of three is believed to have increased the total amount of time Arianny's delectable body is exposed for all, including the judges, to see. This increased exposure, in turn, caused increased distraction of the judges and increased inattention to the actual fights, which lead to coin-flip calls. Similar to the UFC, the WEC's issues with judging were shown to involve the consistent presence of ring-card girl Brittney Palmer. However, Palmer's effect on questionable calls is smaller than Celeste's, likely because of the WEC's tendency to put on fast-paced, exciting fights that command spectators' undivided attention.

With the UFC's absorption of the WEC and acquisition of Palmer, there's bound to be an even higher influx of knee-jerk decisions. Our proposed solution- keep Chandella Powell as the sole ring-card girl of the Octagon. While statistical analyses revealed that Celeste and Palmer have significant effects on the presence of questionable calls, Powell was proven to have no effect on judges' calls - WHATSOEVER. Thus, with only Powell bumbling around the cage, judges will remain unfazed and fully focused on the fights. In addition, it may be important to note that ancillary analyses revealed that the presence of occasional ring-card girl, Rachelle Leah, showed a slight effect on questionable calls. We conclude that it is probably best if Leah continues to be used sparingly (and in NO WAY is joined with Palmer and Celeste. The projected effect will be too large to ensure competent judging, or attention to the matches at all).

So, is the UFC to blame for its cases of bad judging? In an indirect way, yes. While the UFC may not be at fault for appointing the judges, it is undeniably at fault for employing distractingly attractive women whose mere presence interferes with judges' abilities focus on fights (Maybe now Cecil Peoples can be viewed as less of a hater of leg-kicks, and more of a lover of fine women). We know many readers will find our solution drastic, or even unnecessary, but we must save the UFC, and MMA, from the excess of bad calls that is indisputably killing both. And so, it is time for our young sport to make the mature decision to do away with its lust of luscious breasts and buxom backsides, so we can continue our love of battle-hardened men pommeling one another in the spirit of unadulterated competition.

WEC 53 & THAT moment

We've all seen it, we've all seen it again. Most of us have shown it to our friends in an attempt to show them just how BADASS MMA is. Everyone involved in the sport has deliberated it for some time now, but nobody has asked the real question.

Until now...

Over to 'Big' Stu Furay.

Hollywood itself couldn't have scripted it better. In the very last minute of the very last round of the very last fight on the very last card of the WEC, Anthony 'Showtime' Pettis, in his fight against Champion Ben Henderson, lived up to his nickname in the most amazing style.

Its now known as the 'Matrix Kick', something straight from the movies. A move that will live forever in the memory of MMA fans around the world, be repeated on MMA highlight reels for the rest of history and handed down from generation to generation.

Move of the year, move of the decade or move of the century, call it what you like, it was a moment so stunning, so outrageous and so magical it will probably never be seen again.


So after all this there is only one thing left to be said;


F##k me Bendo, you didn't see that coming, did ya?

The Long Of It: UFC 124

UFC 124: you gave us a new found appreciation for the jab in MMA but left us cold when we realised that was all we were getting. If your opponent has NO DEPTH PERCEPTION you should probably get after him. Just a thought...

We'll leave our bloodlust aside and pass you over to the ever capable Mr Shayne Grier as he once more gives you the long of it.

UFC 124 after-MATH(s)

George “Rush” St. Pierre

Problem: Unable to finish his foes.


No doubt, the dude can fight and he knows how to win. Fact is he hasn't lost a round since the first Koscheck fight. I for one have been hating on GSP for several years now because of his “Wet Quilt” like approach to fights. But there is a factor we all seem to be forgetting, the men he battles don't get finished, not by him, not by anyone.

Let's take a quick look at his last five opponents leading up to their clash with the Canadian one. Josh “The Fraggle” Koscheck had not been finished since 2005 (15 fights) and no, I do not count the Paula Thiago early stoppage, because that is what it was, EARLY. Dan “Once Iron Jaw” Hardy had not been finished since 2005 (23 fights). Baby Jay “The Hawaiian Cowboy” Penn actually was finished by GSP, but in his entire career (24 fights) only one other man was able to finish him. Thiago “Overweight” Alves had not been finished since 2006 (11 fights). Which leads us into the last on our list, Jon “Wolverine” Fitch was only been finished once, yes, once, and that was in 2002 (26 fights). Don't blame the Canadian if every man that stands across the cage from him is auditioning for the role opposite of Samuel Jackson in Unbreakable 2.

Solution: Bring in a ringer


Most of these neanderthals crying about “Rush” not finishing his foes don't watch Japanese MMA. Actually I would dare to bet that this group of casual fans doesn't even know there are other promotions outside of UFC and Strikeforce. My solution is simple, bring in Kazushi Sakuraba, bill him as the legendary Gracie killer and former UFC Japanese Heavyweight tournament winner. I can already hear the Jabberwocky rising as we see George flatten Saka via reverse flying Superman punch four seconds into the fight. If this doesn't work, have Kenneth Allen (Look him up) come out of retirement and hype the fight as, “The comeback story of the millennium”.


Trash Talking

Problem: Fake Hype.


In the ring after GSP took him to Boxing 101 school Josh Koscheck said, and yes I am paraphrasing:

I just want you to know (Crowd) that I love this city. No hard feelings? I mean, truth is, everything I said and did on the show was to hype the fight. I don't hate this guy, look at him, I mean look at him, who could hate him? As a matter of fact, George is a respectful, hardworking, always improving, compassionate, funny, charismatic, overall perfect champion. I feel privileged just to have been able to share the same air as him for the taping of The Ultimate Fighter.

So, before their fight Josh says and does things that would make you think GSP was the boy in elementary school that took his lunch money everyday. Then immediately after he gets battered for five rounds he's hanging on his nuts harder than Scrat from Ice Age. The emotional turnabout was so epically appalling that I could barely even keep my midnight snack (Goat Cheese Nachos) from resurfacing. Before, I thought Koscheck was an ignorant loud mouth Cacafuego. Now, I know he's a phony arrogant double faced Microphallus.

Solution: Ambiguous Hype.


Nothing was better than knowing Ken Shamrock and Tito Ortiz truly hated each other. There was no, “It was all talk. We were just selling the fight”. They didn't hug each other, they didn't shake hands, they didn't even want to be in the same cage as one another unless they were smashing knuckles. Or so it seemed. Some rumors say it was fake (Why would Ken get so mad just because Tito flipped the Lions Den the bird?). Some rumors say it was real (I'd be mad for a decade too if that big headed “Huntington Beach Albino” threw up the middle man in my general direction).

Truth is, no one knows the truth. Why ruin a perfectly good heel vs face showdown by telling the world it was a work? Let our imagination believe it was real, let us for a second, live our lives vicariously through these grudge matches. If the fighters blatantly deny the “Kayfabe” after the fact, then all we are left with is two amazingly talented athletic warriors risking life and limb to entertain us, and that's just lame.


Frankie Edgar

Problem: He's Champion.


(See above)

Solution: Jim Miller.


(See above)


Final Pluses and Minuses of UFC 124

Plus: Josh's eye after “Jab Fest 2010” looking like the augmented lips of Angelina Jolie.
Minus: Joe “Daddy” not being able to regurgitate all that canvas he ate to feed his four kids.
Plus: Natal vs Bongfeldt majority draw. Not because the judges got it right, but because with this draw they are telling all the fans, “Yeah, we'll go there”.
Minus: For the idiot fans not picking the Sean Pierson vs Matt Riddle as the “Fight of the Night”.
Minus: “McLovin” not lovin' how his last three fights have turned out.
Plus: Santa Claus for not stopping the main event when he thought Rudolph was trapped inside JK's right eye and trying to escape.

Our pluses and minuses were as follows:

Plus: The excitement in watching Charles Oliveira bound towards the Octagon.
Minus: Jim Miller.
Plus: The abusive changes to Koscheck's Wiki page (apparently he's an 'American douchbag wrestler').
Minus: Where's our f***ing Wiki page?!
Plus: The spicy nuts.
Minus: The overwhelming level of cayenne pepper in Jimbo's failed 'Sloppy Joe Stevensons'.
Minus: Josh Koscheck's face.
Plus: Josh Koscheck's face afterwards...

As usual, feel free to educate us on where we went wrong. Though we should point out that we've never been wrong in our entire lives x

The Rear View mirror: UFC 124

Xmas is all about getting surprises, so when we asked GSP for a KO this year and got a jouyous 5 round beating instead, we weren't disappointed. Slightly less surprising was that oh-so-familiar feeling of watching the guy(s) we picked to win getting bashed/tapped/humiliated. Ah well, over to 'Big' Stu Furay for a cheeky once-over of Saturday's action.

UFC 124 Expert(?) Analysis

So the trash talking is over, the punches have been thrown and the arguments have been settled. So what are the major talking points from 124 and what have we learnt?

- If you talk trash, you have to be able to back it up. Sean Mccorkle: EPIC FAIL!

- Koscheck: not only are you a second rate trash talker (“Dude, you’re a male nurse!”) you can’t fight very well either. GSP didn’t even break into a sweat!

- Rafael Natal, go back to what you’re good at: playing Tennis.

- Our very own Jimbo Slice is still crying salty tears of despair after Jim Miller derailed the Charles Oliveira hype train. Here’s a quick tip, when someone is trying to knee bar you, don’t just lie there! Try and stop them!

- After living off rice, beans and lentils, how Mac Danzig even has the strength to lift his hands up, let alone generate enough power to knock someone out is beyond me.

- But the real story of 124 was not GSP's pure awesomeness, or Koscheck’s hideous eye, but the amount of Gingers on display! Mark Bocek (Super Ginge), Pat Audinwood (Strawberry blonde?), Jim Miller (Ginger beard) and Matt Riddle (Ron Weasley stunt double?) all fought. Speaking of Ron Weasley, I watched the new Harry Potter film the other day, it’s a bit unrealistic if you ask me, I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?


We've learnt never to get our hopes up for another fighter ever again :( That and when you're screaming 'slay the man-giraffe' at the TV at around 5am, something has gone horribly wrong with your life.

Horribly.

TPK's Revised Rules Of MMA - Part Two: Real World Rules Of MMA

One of these days we'll be made World Governing Body of MMA, until that day comes we'll continue to share with your our overflowing wells of knowledge and our vision of a brighter future. A future where all men must compete in cages made of sharks teeth, with gloves made of razor wire and under the supervision of robotic judges and a Judge Dredd like referee who, rather than stand-up the fighters, cuts their heads clean off with a 6 foot samurai sword. NO MERCY FOR THE BLANKETING WRESTLER!

Anyway, we'll leave you in the slightly more merciful hands of Mr Harry Borovick:



The 10 Real-World Rules of MMA

1. Saying a bad word against GSP in Canada is punishable by water-boarding (under the supervision of Jean-Charles Skarbowsky).

2. If you think Koscheck is funny, you're no older than 6.

3. You can be perceived as practically invincible for years, despite looking like the Michelin Man (I'm looking at you Fedor), but inevitably someone always ends up beating up the fat kid.

4. Judging accuracy is based on how long the judges aren't on their phones checking their Ebay bids.

5. Bruce Buffer will never be out of a job. If he isn't around to shout it, people will forget which sport they've paid to watch.

6. Being a massive douchebag to fans and other fighters will guarantee you a job in fight sports. FACT: everyone loves to see a loudmouth get hit.

7. Alistair Overeem can kick you so hard he will force your liver to shut down. Nothing to do with "advanced supplements", obviously.

8. Lesnar's beard does the impossible. It makes a man who already looked like a mass murdering version of the Hulk, look more intimidating. Now he looks like a viking Godzilla murderer. (Note: Increased facial hair does not increase ability to defend against Mexicans.)

9. Karo Parisyan is a badass. It doesn't matter if he loses. The man fights with a hole in his leg. That's as close as we're going to get to seeing disabled vs able bodied fighting sports.

10. Rob Broughton. Nothing more need be said.


Whilst we tend to agree with the above, number 10 being particularly poignant, we're fairly certain we've seen a 'man' with no limbs get a tasty BEASTING. Also, see the blog later this week for an alternative take on number 4...

TUF 12: A Mini Bloguette

Following the fallout from the explosive Ultimate Fighter Season 12 finale, our very own Troy Nelson looks at the legacy of everyone's favourite reality TV show.

What can you say about The Ultimate Fighter? Widely regarded as the zeitgeist capturing TV event that changed public perception towards the sport we love from 'No Holds Barred' fighting, to actually understanding the unbelievable levels of commitment (or not, in the case of that fat fuck Southworth) required to make it as a professional mixed martial artist.

Fast forward to present day, Season Twelve - Team GSP vs Team Koscheck reached a scintillating climax with Jonathan 'Merman' Brookins edging a decision over 'Not That' Michael Johnson. With his unstoppable takedowns, 'The Merman' joins other elite Ultimate Fighter winners such as Court McGee, Efrain Escudero, James Wilks and the world's toughest vegan Mac Danzig.

Now a lot of MMA commentators, in both print and online, have suggested that maybe the format has gotten a little stale. Hmmmm... I'm more likely inclined to blame the very mediocre fighters dutifully trotted out every few months for their shot at the 'bigtime' that we're supposed to get behind. Bruce Leeroy? He's not exactly Chris 'The Pisshead' Leben in terms of charisma or eccentricity is he?

In recent times, the only fighters who have actually looked 'world class' have been Roy Nelson (who already had a proven track record), Ryan Bader *shudders* and Ross Pearson (at a push). The last season that actually had compelling new combatants was Season Three. In 2006.

The Knockout Barometer

Knockouts are fun, but what are they worth? Where does a particular knockout register in the grand scheme of things? Mr Brendan Rowe helps us to gauge the impact of a knockout with the Knockout-O-Meter.


The DEFINITIVE Knockout Barometer
Or, the Knockout-O-Meter

We're all honest enough to admit that the only reason we watch MMA is to see somebody get their shit wrecked. If we wanted to see technique, we'd watch collegiate wrestling, Olympic Tae Kwon Do, or the Grappler's Quest tournament. However, in no way do these mediums sate our blood lust: we want to see Jon Jones implode another deaf guy's face, or Rampage drive another Brazilian ten feet into concrete. This is because most of us are nothing but a bunch of cowardly spectators, really. But, there are some that actually train for competition, and to those few, I salute you. With that, here is a barometer to compare your striking ability to.

If you can knock out Andrei Arlovski... then you've got pillow hands. Jake Shields could knock out Arlovski. Aron Ralston could knock out Arlovski, and only with his nub. If this is the best you can do, maybe stick to ground and pound.

If you can knock out Todd Duffee... then you are one lucky sumbitch. Seriously. I sure do hope the concussions and the likeness to Homer Simpson are worth it. If you can knock out Duffee, consider working on accuracy and not getting punched in the face so often.

If you can knock out Stefan Struve... then you've got some seriously long arms. How do you even manage to walk, being so disproportional? The guy is over ten feet tall! If you can knock out Struve, you're somewhat decent, but consider using that 100 inch wingspan of yours to knuckle walk into the cage. You'll scare all the other males, at least.

If you can knock out Keith Jardine... then you're clearly a bomber, although your long-term success may be questioned. Of the few people that have managed to put Jardine in dreamland, only half of them have remained relevant. One lost to Kimbo, the other is forgotten for more likeable Silvas, namely Anderson and Wanderlei.

If you can knock out “Rampage” Jackson... then you must have had titanium implants in your kneecaps. How else could you manage to stop the two-time slayer of the Iceman? Outside of lay and pray, that is.

If you can knock out Antonio Rrrrodrigo Noguiera... then you are either the bane of Brock Lesnar, or his punching bag. Hitting this hard not only means you're more accurate than Fedor, but also that you have more freakish power than Bob Sapp. Rejoice, you're truly a freak of nature.

If you can knock out Kazuyuki Fujita... then you must obviously take steroids. Fujita's body had to develop to accommodate his thirty five pound head, leading to no neck and a physique that screams “NEANDERTHAL!” Fujita's skull is thick enough to survive a nuclear blast, which has caused Japanese scientists to develop fallout shelters synthesized from his bone structure. Knocking him out deserves the Overeem Award for Mindless Violence.

The New Obsession

Dana White has something on his mind, or so Mr Sean Peconi says...


Obsession: The domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

Fedor.

The name resonates in the head of every MMA fan around the world. “The Last Emperor”, a fighter with such an aura and fan base that he will be remembered forever in the legacy of MMA.

A man that for a time became the self proclaimed “Obsession” of Dana White.

Dana White had an idea; a UFC with Fedor on the roster. An image that Fedor would lead the pack in the heavyweight division for years to come. A desire that he would be so dominant in the division that once Brock Lesnar cleaned it out, he would need someone to take on his newly popularized 'Goliath' and send him to the slaughter.

But Fedor said no.

Cue Dana White rants about difficult negotiations, Russian buffets and the Mafia.

Fast forward to October 23, 2010.

A heavy underdog, Cain Velasquez enters the ring with the giant, staring him down in the epic David versus Goliath match it was hyped to be.

David wins, Goliath goes hunting.

Cue Dana White stink face, the guy just can't win.

On the other side of the world, Alistair Overeem is a heavy favorite to win the K1 Championships in Japan on December 11th of this year. Apparently Dana White doesn't care. Put Overeem on your top ten pound for pound list? Dana doesn't care about that either. But let's look at the history here; Fedor said no, and that's when Dana really put the heat on him. “He doesn't want to fight the best”.

The same is happening with Alistair Overeem. It's no secret that Overeem has only a few more fights on his Strikeforce contract and by the looks of things, Dana is on track to bring him in. Dana loves to tell us that people need to be “Fight fans”, that we need to respect the sport on an unparallelled level and that it will take MMA fans to the pinnacle of sport fandom. Why is it then that he openly criticizes Overeem for doing K1? Why would he not have him in the top ten pound for pound rankings in MMA?

If Alistair Overeem wins the K1 Grand Prix in December there will be no doubt as to him being the best striker in the world, not even Dana White can dispute that. Put in a successful title defense against the next challenger to his Strikeforce belt, and Overeem could be the one Dana White dreams about at night very soon.

So if past behavior is any indication of what is to come in the future (Thanks Dr.Phil) why even discuss Alistair Overeem at all? Why go through the same punishment, agony and possible defeat with him that was done when negotiations with Fedor were the hot topic in MMA?

Because Dana White has an obsession. An idea that the undefeated Overeem in Strikeforce will lead the pack in the UFC heavyweight division. An image of the current UFC heavyweight champion going against one of the most skilled K1 competitors in the current day. And finally, a desire to make the UFC Heavyweight champion and Alistair Overeem the super fight that Brock Lesnar versus Fedor Emelianenko was supposed to be.

The Long Of It: UFC 123

We watched it, re-watched it, mocked it, argued over it and watched it again. Enough time has passed for us to digest what happened at UFC 123, but not enough to fully digest our 'Hughes' Hunter Pie'. Much of that still lingers...

Enough about our troubling bowel movements, we'll leave you in the capable hands of Mr Shayne Grier as he gives you the long of it.

UFC 123 after-MATH(s)


Lyoto Machida

Problem: Machida's style.


Yes, it is elusive, smart, and strategic. However, eighty-five percent of the time it's about as fun to watch as a pickle rolling down a grassy knoll. Every other fighter has figured out the pattern that is, "The Chida". Side-step, side-step, faint a jab, stutter step, flying knee/punch combo, rinse and repeat. Anyone with half the patience of a Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen will be able to implement a game plan to get the decision victory.

Solution: Make him fight in an Octagon with a 12 ft diameter instead of a 30 ft one.


This way, he will be so conditioned to fighting in a smaller space that as soon as he takes two to three of those Karate back steps, he will think his back is against the cage. He will then clinch and attempt one of his trademark Karate/Sumo throws. Not only will this confuse and disorient his opponent it will make for an instant classic within the first ten seconds of every fight. The most dangerous fighters are the ones with their backs against the cage. Just ask Kimbo Slice; Oh, wait, maybe that isn't the best example.


B.J. Penn

Problem: Baby Jay's road back to Georgie Porgie.


Can B.J. Penn beat most Welterweights? Absolutely. Can he beat George St. Pierre? Never. Don't get me wrong, Mr. Penn is one of the best fighters in the history of the sport, I just don't see how, even on his best day he could stop the takedowns of the handsome Canadian Snuggie. I would love nothing more than for Penn to destroy a few of the Welterweights the UFC puts in front of him. Once he gets that shot we can only hope G.S.P. has suffered another "Serra" and isn't the opponent the Baby has to Hula dance for the title.

Solution: Surgically amputate his left leg below the knee.


Being twenty pounds lighter, Penn could make the drop to the UFC's newly forged Bantamweight division and wreak some havoc. Even with only his right leg B.J. would dominate the lollipop kids of that division. We all know how amazing he is at hopping around on one leg to defend take-downs, this solution would just cut out the middle man.


Judging

Problem: Um, the Judges


50% of people say it is spot on 100% of the time and the other 50% say it is way less than that. After studying the judges criteria for judging a fight there is no wonder to the reasons why judges see fights differently. Sure there are four main categories in the judging of a fight; clean strikes, effective grappling, octagon control, and effective aggressiveness. Seems simple enough except for the fact that within those categories there are TWENTY sub categories the judges are to be watching for during the fight. Seems pretty convoluted to me. Add that to the fact that 50% of the judges don't even know what the word convoluted means (SEE: Cecil Peoples), how can we blame them? We should blame the criteria for its Matrix like storyline.

Solution: Referees judge bouts


Have two referees who are not officiating the bout judge it from the ring apron on opposite sides of the cage and the final judge is the referee inside the cage. There should be no other group of individuals who are better suited to see who has actually won the fight. Most referees train, or have trained, in some form of mixed martial arts and are completely aware of all aspects of the fight game. How many sanctioned MMA judges can say that? Yes, I'm looking at you Nelson Hamilton! If this brilliant idea fails then we just abolish all judges, go old school on this Mofo, and have them fight like they're on the middle school playground; Fight until one opponent says 'uncle' or has to go home for dinner.


Final Pluses and Minuses of UFC 123

Plus: Watching Matt Hughes (Once again) ask, "What happened"?
Minus: Falcão's third round audition for the next season of "The Amazing Race".
Plus: Phil Davis inventing "The Mr. Wonderful" submission and crushing Tim Boetsch's arm with it.
Minus: Joe Lauzon's ears not being big enough to save him from the Sotiropoulos kimura.
Plus: Call of Duty: Black Ops being the official sponsor because I am always happy to have a few more noobs to blow up with my RC-XD.
Minus: The time keeper of the Harris vs Falcão fight needing a new monocle for reading seven seconds left as zero.


Our pluses and minuses were as follows:

Plus: Tom Lawlor was undefeated for this entire event.
Minus: So was Josh Koscheck.
Plus: Manly venison in a pie.
Minus: Manly stomach pains.
Plus: It was one of the best overall British performances for a card this year.
Minus: It was one of the best overall British performances for a card this year.
Plus: Hahahaha, Nik Lentz.
Minus: Machida Karate :(

Have we missed anything about 123? Feel free to tell us. We know you want to...

The Rear View Mirror: UFC 123

ABC, we're told, is as easy as 123. But what do we actually know about 123? 'Big' Stu Furay asks the question...

So UFC 123 is consigned to the history books, and what have we learned?

1. Mike Lullo will need a new leg after Edson Barboza practically kicked it clean off. Someone give him Heather Mills' number.

B. Good friends CAN fight each other. Swick, Bones and Fitch take note. Great work Munoz and Simpson.

3. NEVER leave it to the Judges. They clearly get distracted by Arianny being at ringside, and completely forget they are there to score fights. Griffin and Machida take note.

D. Anyone who invents a new submission during a fight, then names it after themself is BADASS!! Mr Wonderful, take a bow. Although I’m not looking forward to The Kockcheck, or The BJ.

5. BJ Penn is BACK!! If anyone knows where he went during the Edgar fights, then answers on a postcard please.

F. And finally, Rampage may be BA, but he’s no longer Badass. Although I think Machida probably let out a little bit of wee when he almost got slammed on his head, a la Ricardo Arona.

In a similar fashion, though without mixing our ABCs and 123s, here's what we gleaned from Saturday night:

1. Although drinking your own piss might make you appear enigmatic, it doesn't actually improve your fighting skills. Inversely, it doesn't make them any worse either.

2. Karo Parisyan is actually mental.

3. BJ Penn has been royally Fitched up!
Shit, we meant F****ed! Bye Bye website.

4. We don't think Paul Kelly deserves a title shot, it's beneath him. Just give him the belt already. He's the Daley Thompson of MMA!


Oh, and that eating red meat at 4 am is a bad idea. More on that later...

The Phantom Knee Official Pound For Pound Rankings

Sadly TPK's campaign for 'Miketober' went largely unnoticed, so this incarnation of the DEFINITIVE pound for pound list takes a look back at the month you misguided people called 'Brocktober'...

10. Roy 'Big Guntry' Nelson
It's amazing what a difference a month can make - in September, Big Roy was rehabbing an injury, prepping for his biggest challenge yet in Shane 'The Gastank' Carwin. Fast forward to November, and Roy Nelson has been embroiled in a casual racism row, he's made bad jokes about Carwin's injury, been booted off the UFC 125 card with no future opponent set, and he's started talking about himself in the third person. "Roy Nelson is the victim of a conspiracy!" said Roy Nelson yesterday.

9. Dan Hardy and John Hathaway
Nothing happened at UFC 120. NOTHING. We were there, so we know best.

8. Diego Sanchez
YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

That slam. You know the one.

YES!

7. Mark 'The Undertaker' Callaway
He's from Death Valley (he's not), he weighs 328lbs (he doesn't), standing 6ft 10" tall (he's not) - could this man be Brock Lesnar's gravest challenge yet? No, he won't be because he's in his late forties and a professional wrestler. The chances of them settling their differences in a UFC cage or a WWE ring are about as likely as Josh Koscheck ever making an appearance in this listing. Why is The Undertaker included here at all? Because about 20 years ago, he used to scare the piss outta me!

6. Nate Marquardt
Never let the fact that your opponent isn't defending himself stop you from unleashing the BEAST. Undeterred by Palhares' girly protests, Nate dug deep to punch his defenceless opponent in the face.

Over and over and over and over.

5. Rob 'The Bear' Broughton
In our humble and entirely unbiased opinions, it's only a matter of time before 'The Bear' claims what is rightfully his: the UFC Heavyweight title. We were bowled over by his sporting decision to gift the first round to an 8"3 Brazilian monster by allowing him 100 uncontested punches to the face. The physique of Fedor and the game-plan of Homer Simpson, there's no stopping this trim youngster.

Oh, he's British? We had no idea...

4. Cheick Kongo
Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short.

3. Michael 'The Count' Bisping
Anyone in doubt of the UK superstar's meteoric rise to Middleweight title contention needs to watch his bout at UFC 120. Displaying his greatly improved striking credentials to devastating effect, including a 'Spirit of Fair Play' award-winning shot to Sexyama's groin. We actually ingest ourselves every time we watch it. Bravo Michael, bravo!

2. J*** F***h
A* e***r, M* F***h h*s m*****d t* w*****e h*s w*y i**o t*e n****r t*o p******n. M***e o*e d*y h*'*l w*****e h*s w*y i**o o*r h****s...


It's unlikely.

1. Tom 'Title Shot' Lawlor
The unbeaten streak that stretches back to May now includes a win! Apparently at the cost of some real effort at the weigh-ins. We loved his Art Jimmerson, truly we did, we just found the costume lacking. On the plus side, he resisted the urge to paint himself brown...good call.



Looking back at this, anyone would think the Brits were on top in 'Brocktober'. Either that or the people writing the list were British...

TPK's Revised Rules of MMA - Part One: The Coleman Clause

Following on from our '10 Ways To Improve MMA' we bring you: 'The Revised Rules Of MMA'. Why? Because we are the way, people.

THIS IS ALL FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

We're bringing you the sweet and sexy MMAids courtesy of Mr Brendan Rowe.

Warning: This blog may require the reader to have a knowledge of MMA that extends beyond the UFC...

Part One: The Coleman Clause.


1 - Even if the rules state otherwise, Mark Coleman is allowed to strike his opponent any way he wants, with any part of his body that he wants, until such time that he scores a KO or TKO.

A - His opponents are never allowed to do the same, ever.
B - If Coleman is submitted, he gets a mulligan in the form of one free shot to any part of the body of his opponent.


2 - In the event of a round or fight ending due to time out, Coleman gets a one-minute grace period in which he pins his opponent in North/South or a sprawl until he scores a TKO via knee strikes.

3 - Should his opponent break a limb during combat, the opponent's team must sit on the sidelines and watch while their man gets thumped.

A - Only Wanderlei Silva may enter the ring, regardless of affiliation.

1 - Wanderlei Silva must be present at every fight Coleman is at.
2 - Rampage must also be present.

B - Herb Dean is allowed to use tranquilizer darts if Coleman's blood lust hasn't been sated.

C - Phil Baroni must be choked out, regardless of where he is, every time this happens.

The Phantom Knee Official Pound For Pound Rankings

An inmate, a Republican, a retiree and a DEFINITIVE pound for pound list. What more could you ask for? There's more to our rankings than winning or losing, it's about how you play the game.

Or the shit you talked leading up to it...

The following came to you from both sides of the Atlantic in a meeting of minds, knees and heated emails. In producing this list, we welcomed the MMA brainwrongs of Mr Brendan Rowe to the table.


10. K J Noons
Snatching the Spirit of Fair Play Award from Stefan Struve's evil Dutch claw, Keanu J Noons blasts his way into the top ten with a cheeky after-the-bell flurry and an illegal knee to all of our heads. Well played that man!

9. Tom 'Kong' Watson
Hated by Sherdog, loved by us, this plucky bit of homegrown British beef is taking on two fights in two weeks this month, Leben style. One in Canada against one-time TUF fighter, Jesse 'JT Money' Taylor, whose failed attempt at getting the 'full mount' on a Vegas showgirl got him kicked off the show. The second is back in Blighty against Alex 'The Punching Bag' Reid. Always in the media spotlight, Reid is famous for being brave/silly enough to marry 'glamour' model Jordan. Coming into the fight, Reid boasts an impressive 8-8-1-1, with his last competitive win coming in 2005.

8. Anthony 'Rumble' Johnson
Who needs BJJ and a ground game when you can just knock the other guy out? With cheekbones sharper than Kenny Florian's elbows, 'Rumble' Johnson usually cuts fifty pounds of water before going into a fight, making him quite a lot larger than most of the men in his division. All he has to do is figure out how to not get choked, and he'll be a force to be reckoned with.

7. Warmachine
311 days...

6. Matt 'Meathead' Mitrione
Marcus Jones quit fighting for good after losing to 'Meathead'. Kimbo Slice was cut from the UFC after his loss. With only two professional fights, Mitrione has been the kryptonite to the careers of both men, without having anything resembling a respectable physique.


5. Chael Sonnen
Sure he looked impressive against a lethargic Anderson Silva at 117, blah blah blah blah. Michael Bisping cheeked him recently - Sonnen's response? "If Bisping ever addresses me in public again, I will bury him where he stands." - factor in his 'alleged' comments about Lance Armstrong, and we're cooking with gas!

4. Bas Rutten
Oh, you want a reason?
Tabasco in the eye...

3. Joe 'J-Lau' Lauzon
With his enthusiastic performance at UFC 118 being the only interesting bout on the card, and serial killer good looks, things are looking rosey for the older Lauzon. Oh yeah, and his 12 minute long video burial of opponent Gabe Ruediger has taken trash talk to blockbuster-esque proportions. Throw him in with Wanderlei next, or Heath Herring. And before you bitch, think about it...

2. Jon 'Human Blanket' Fitch
So it looks like Dana forgot exactly what a Jon Fitch fight looks like yet again. We didn't. That's why we didn't offer him a title shot if he beat Alves. We didn't even vote him into our top ten. The world's 2nd best weltwerweight decisioned us into conceding him his rightful silver medal position. Boo.


1. Tom 'The Filthy Mauler' Lawlor
Unbeaten now since May, Lawlor carries this streak into his October (or Brocktober!) bout with Patrick Cote at UFC 121. We're seriously considering loading his gloves to ensure the win, though, were the antiquated rules of MMA updated to include points for walkouts, we wouldn't need to tip the scales. In fact, the 'Filthy Mauler' would be the current Middleweight champ by now. Where's the justice?

Alternates included: Forrest Griffin - the very definition of MAN, Gabe Reudiger for managing not to eat the cake, Jon Jones for being Jon Jones and King Mo 'cos y'all hate him.

Expendables - The Definitive Review

Our resident couch potato Troy Nelson went to a preview screening of the Expendables - here's what he thought...

A film review? On The Phantom Knee? What? Seriously?

Well, it's got Randy 'Captain America' Couture in it. We made the call to our main man Cecil Peoples to come along and enjoy the show. And we're off!

Boasting the best action movie cast ever (John Rambo, Det. John Kimble, John McClane, Randy The Ram, Stone Cold, The Scorpion King, Ivan Drago and the dudes from Crank and Lethal Weapon 4) - the main worry was that the gravitas of the cast would overshadow the action. By the time the first head exploded, we forgot what we were worrying about. This is gonna be great.

If you're a bit funny about blood and gore, firstly, you're a pussy! Secondly, why are you an MMA fan anyway? Thirdly, you're a pussy! Having said that, despite considering ourselves pretty damn hardcore, the sight of Captain America Couture in a leather cap very nearly made us puke in our popcorn. No excuses, it was practically obscene!

So, lots has been made from the Arnie and Hudson Hawk cameos, they weren't great - what really impressed us was the dual Nogueira cameos. Far be it from us to cause a sibling rivalry, but Minotauro again outstripped his little brother with a brave, yet challenging performance as henchman #1. It definately puts Keith Jardine's Crank 2: High Voltage appearance into perspective - that's for sure!

The action is fast paced (just like Rourke's tattooing skills) and the plot is deliciously simple. Stealing the show, regardless of screen time, is third dan karate black belt (!) Dolph Lundgren - this guy does sketchy scary like no other. Even Couture gets a bit of face time, and talks about his pet mouse.

Stallone must have listened to confirmed MMA fan Statham, as, and this isn't much of a spoiler when you consider the title of the actual movie, Couture's early death in the movie is one of the few moments of true drama in the whole film. In fact, his overblown exit is second only to Sly's passing at the film's climax.

Initially, we were somewhat disappointed that JCVD and Anderson Silva's mate Seagal weren't a part of the production, but you know what - they wouldn't have added anything to a film already bloated with star quality.

All in, if you like explosions, cliches, and fast paced hand-to-hand combat, then you'll be rubbing your hands with glee like Dana White when he first saw the PPV buys for Lesnar's first fight. If you don't like these things, then you're clearly a pussy. Pussy!


Nelson
Action 30 - Story 29 - Overall 30

Peoples
Action 26 - Story 30 - Overall 27

The Phantom Knee Official Pound For Pound Rankings

Everyone does them and now so do we. Only difference being: ours is definitive.

10. Pat 'HD' Barry
Having confessed to his hero, Mirko Crocop, he'd fucked himself up during their recent bout, Barry gained even more respect from us here at The Knee. Goes to show that nice guys don't always finish last. Oh. He has.

9. Stefan 'Skyscraper' Struve
At UFC 117, Struve's lip ballooned in size so much, he could practically trip over it. This guy is 9ft 3" tall! However, that's not the reason why he has made the grade, he won our 'spirit of fair play' award by throwing a sneaky leg kick whilst touching gloves - we salute you big man!

8. Forrest Griffin
Sure he looked pedestrian against Anderson 'The Spider' Silva, and flatly refuses to fight overseas, but he puts the man into man. Let's face it, his new book 'Be Ready When The Shit Goes Down' is the most anticipated sequel since the Bible.

7. Paul 'Semtex' Daley
Having just signed a multi fight deal with Strikeforce, his career looks back on track after the Down-Under debacle. Watch out welterweight wrestlers - he's out for blood!

6. Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson
He may be banned from driving in real life, but through the magic of movies, he can still drive the iconic A-Team van without reproach.

5. The Korean Zombie
Why so high? The undead are super cool. Imagine if he didn't stop the ground 'n pound when the ref asked him? And he just carried on and on until his opponents head was mush. And then he started feasting on their grey matter. Think about it!

4. Warmachine
Keep checking back to The Phantom Knee for details on our fundraising mission to mail him a tub of Mutant Mass protein powder with a file hidden inside. 25 days inside so far - we're pulling for ya bro!

3. Miguel Torres
Fighting and philosophy go together like chips and cat shit. Which means not very well, you sick bastards - unless you're Miguel Torres. Follow his Twitter - see the light.

2. Jon Fitch
Common sense dictates that Fitch wouldn't normally feature in any normal pound-for-pound list, yet he continues to do so. We're now privvy to his secret. He laid on top of us until we agreed to put him at number two. It took 13 hours.

1. Tom 'Filthy' Lawlor
Many people speculate as to who the future of MMA might be. Todd 'He-Man' Duffee? Jon 'Bones' Jones? Frankie 'The Answer' Edgar? F*** off, yeah? Coming off a 'character building' two fight losing streak, Lawlor is still our man!


Feel free to argue this accross the entire internerd, but just know that we are right.

The Sharks Are Coming

MC Hammer's involvement in MMA: funny at first, but all-too-quickly a worrying sign of things to come.

He's a shark in baggy pants and he's coming for your sport.

A professional idiot who has in his time filed for bankruptcy and left boxing in his dust. Credentials that make him an ideal candidate to manage the burgeoning careers of up-and-coming MMA stars.

We recommend you listen to his interview with Ariel Helwani on 'The MMA Hour' to get that sick feeling in your stomach. His lack of knowledge of even his own fighters (Antonio Hardonk?) fills our hearts with hope and joy.

There's plenty more where he's from, just waiting to sink their teeth into a growing sport and bleed it dry. Just look to the festering state of professional boxing for a whatnottodo.

DON KING IS WAITING IN THE WINGS...

10 Ways To Improve MMA

We like to jump on the bandwagon as much as the next guy.

Following the recent spate of dubious decisions and knee-jerk calls for a complete rethink of scoring fights, we thought: 'Hey, why stop there? Why not not overhaul the entire thing?'


1. Eye for an eye
F*** points deductions. You kick a guy in the sack, you get one straight back AND he gets to take a run up.

2. Absolutely no ref stoppages
If you've been KO'd, that's your problem. We see no reason to let that stop Brock while he's getting in his stride. Maybe in future you'll think twice about having a lie down.

3. Bonus points
We can giveth as well as taketh away. Extra points for fruity walk outs and weigh-ins, guaranteeing TPK fave 'Filthy' Tom Lawlor the 'W' every time. Anyone even attempting a superman punch would be rewarded, same goes for the spinning back kick/elbow.

4. Take that, Fitch!
If a fight goes the distance, both fighters are deducted 50% of their pay. Similar to the stoppage bonuses in TUF, but slightly more sadistic.

5. The Koscheck advantage
If your opponent's name is Josh Koscheck: Congratulations, you've won! (You are also allowed to use weapons. In fact, it's encouraged).

6. The Koscheck disadvantage
If your name is Josh Koscheck: Bad luck, cockbag! You lose!

7. 'He is my brother, I will not fight him'
Yes you f***ing will. All training partners, friends and relatives will be made to fight each other. Regardless of any weight or gender differences. In future, only train with people you hate that are smaller than you.

8. Lay and pray and...NOTHING
You wanna lie on top of your opponent and rub up and down like a sex offender? Point deduction for every second this happens. Expect minus points.

9. Tag team MMA.
...And not necessarily even sided. Could Fedor beat Lesnar? Could he beat Overeem? Carwin? He sure as shit couldn't beat all three of them at once.

10. MMA/soccer.
Tired of 0-0 draws? Tired of players diving? Let Brock solve it! Give those diving cheats a reason to go down, and when they do: UNLEASH THE BEAST!

Being Brock Lesnar

Ten Things We Would Do If We Were Brock For The Day:

Fun though it would be to 'be John Malkovich', we can't help but think more joy could be had from inhabiting the body of the UFC's current 265 pound champ. So much fun in fact, that we've compiled a list of the horseplay we'd get up to.


10. Drink a Coors Light.
(Because Bud Light won't pay me nothin'...)

9. Get on top of the wife.

8. Get that f-ing dick lasered off our chest.

7. Paint our entire body green for UFC 116 after warning Shane Carwin that he 'wouldn't like me when I'm angry' at the weigh-ins.

6. Release a press statement indicating that we intend to cut 100 pounds and go after welterweight pantomime villain, Josh Koscheck.

5. DDT an opponent.
(We're aware that this probably wasn't one of HIS moves. Le sigh...)

4. Bankroll our own remake of the A Team with Brock Lesnar as B.A, Brock Lesnar as Face, Brock Lesnar as Murdock and starring Brock Lesnar as Hannibal.

3. Threaten to invade France should they not comply with our inordinately unreasonable demands.

2. Invade France.

1. Campaign to be the next Governer of California with threats of extreme violence and torture for those who don't 'VOTE BROCK' and promises of something similar to those who do.



The Lesnar will be facing Shane Carwin at UFC 116 on July 3rd to compete for the title of undisputed UFC heavyweight.

The Twitterings Of An Eccentric Genius

What makes 'Mad' Miguel Torres a 37-3 (Torres claims his actual record to be much higher at 49-3) WEC legend?

Is it his BJJ black belt under Carlson Gracie? Is it his effective Muay Thai striking abilities? Is it the guidance of his superstar trainer, Mark Dellagrotte?

Of course, it could well be all of the above, but we'd like to think it's more owing to his keen philosophical mind and radical take on modern life. One particularly leftfield musing from the Nietzsche of MMA left us awestruck...

'I'm just a man trying to live his life like a lion in a world that is a concrete jungle full of sheep'

Still not sold?

The Path To Enlightenment

Seek and ye shall find.

There's more where this came from!