UFC 129: Hematoma

We've seen enough of Mark Homick's head to last us a lifetime, so we're passing you over to Mr Shayne Newton Grier.

George St. Pierre vs Jake Shields (Welterweight Title Fight)

As this fight grew ever closer the UFC tried tirelessly to try and make the general fan base believe that Shields had some sort of chance to beat the champ. With MMA being such a fickle mistress, there is never a guarantee for any fighter to win. The one thing I knew with 100% certainty is that with both Shields and GSP being in love with smothering opponents on the ground, the fans were going to be treated to, "Some Serious Siamese Snuggie Smothering". The four S's, as the "Super Seagal" calls it. All trademarks are giving and received by Master S.S.

However, even guarantees have fine print, and this one reads: This guarantee is null and void if both fighters decided they can be more boring without the use of any Snugging!

GSP wins via another five round dominating snore fest. Shields never landed anything significant except for a nice stiff eye poke that destroyed Pierre's left eye. Supposedly this is the reason George couldn't finish off Jake. The true reason why he never finished him is because, of this...

Greg Jackson's Striking Strategy For GSP:

Soft jab

Soft jab

"Liddell-esque" Overhand right

Soft jab

Soft jab

"Koscheck-esque" Overhand right

Soft jab

Soft jab

Slightly harder jab

Soft jab

"Fedor-esque" Sloppy Overhand right

Where in the world were the hooks, the uppercuts, or even the undercuts? Or at least a good set-up for the horrible looking overhand rights he was throwing every 3rd or 4th punch. I can't even recall him throwing a hook or an uppercut. Really? I mean, really?

Problem: GSP Simply Dominates

Now, it's not that he dominates to finishes. No, no. That hasn't happened in a very long time. He just beats guys up in such a way that he wins every round and looks pretty untouchable doing it. This wouldn't be such a problem if he could finish the fight, but every fight ends with a fairly uneventful decision win for Mr. "Rush". Which makes for a very unmarketable fighter...

Solution: Bring On The Champ

The only fight that makes sense after another sleeper with GSP, is to have him fight a champ that only "Brings it!"

That's right, bring on Nick Diaz. Out of Nick Diaz's last 16 fights, only 3 have gone to decision and out of those, he has won 14 of them. To be fair if you look at the last 16 fights for GSP, he actually has a better or equal track record of finishing foes, but ever since he got pummeled by Serra, he always wants to play it safe.

The point I am making is: Diaz is the only man that will make GSP fight the fight we all know he can because for some reason, the men who fight GSP as of late can't get past his mystic of dominance.

Nick Diaz will cut the UFC champ's angles off with his FAR superior boxing, then, if GSP wants to go the ground (which he will not), he'll have to show he is not the color belt in BJJ that his trainers have given him.

Could Georgie beat Diaz? Sure. But only with the level of boring Snuggie action that we have come to expect from "The Fighter Formerly Known As Rush". Diaz would never, and I mean NEVER let him play that game. He would keep scrambling for submissions making it a very entertaining fight; while it lasts. Nick will make GSP work until he finally makes a mistake and then it's over.

Jose Aldo vs Mark Hominick (Featherweight Title Fight)

Jose Aldo or as the completely inept commentary team that the UFC has on their payroll calls him, JOE-SAY Aldo. I have been watching Aldo since he was first in the WEC and I have never heard anyone call him JOE-SAY. So, either is HO-ZAY has changed the pronunciation of his first name for his UFC debut, or (See: The Cheech and Chong Award at the end of the article).

I honestly thought that Aldo had this fight in the bag early in the fight, and then at the end of round one something changed the outcome of the entire fight.

(The Giant Horrible Disgusting Hematoma on top of Hominick's forehead)

Most would assume that a giant clotting of blood hijacking someone's forehead during the course of a title fight, whispering into their brain, "Dude we are having some serious issues here" would make THAT fighter say, "I'm out". Not Hominick! This dude is a fighter to the core of his existence. He kept fighting for FOUR more rounds with, as my homeboy T AND A said to me: "That looks like the baby on the forehead of Nurse Gollum from South Park". Yeah, look it up. Completely accurate. That thing was a baby looking to breach it's father's right eye!

Aldo faded heavily in the 5th and final round. Hominick was laying down some really heavy ground and pound in the fifth and final round. If this had gone to a sixth round, Aldo would have lost his title.

Aldo wins via decision in a very entertaining and hard to look at hematoma, I mean fight.

We learned a few things from this fight:

1: Mark Hominick does not say, "I quit" for ANYTHING! Big props for that, homie!

2: I hate looking at Hematomas. They are gross to the "Heehaw! Maximum!"

3: JOE-SAY Aldo is human.

4: I really bet chicks dig the scar on Aldo's face.

5: Hominick will beat Aldo in a rematch.

6: The featherweight division is very exciting!

7: I REALLY hate looking at Hematomas!!!

Randy Couture vs Lyoto Machida (Loser Leaves UFC Fight)

I was looking forward to this fight ever since it was announced. The basis for any great MMA fight is a fantastic style match up and these too styles (Karate/BJJ vs Wrestling Legend) this was bound to be a classic. With Machida on a two fight losing streak it seemed as if another loss meant "Exit the Dragon".

The first round was very exciting and had some great exchanges between these two warriors. Machida used his patented jumping knee to the body a few times as Randy tried to get a hold of him. Then there were a few great scrambles as Lyoto used his elusive footwork to avoid being pushed against the cage. Couture was working hard to find a way to get into some dirty boxing exchanges or clinch action against the cage, but it was to no avail.

As the second round started it looked like we were in for another fun round with two fairly evenly matched warriors. Then this two-on-two match turned into a triple threat match when Master Steven Seagal decided to yell, "Machida, use the kick". Lyoto's soul heard his masters cries and delivered a jumping front kick directly onto the jaw of Randy Couture. "The Natural's" eyes rolled back into his head and he fell straight backwards slamming his head into the mat; Lights out!

During the post fight interview, Machida gave full props to his father and Steven Seagal for teaching him the front kick. Oh man, does Steven Seagal really need his ego inflated anymore?

Pros and Cons:

Pro: Getting to see a second front kick KO!

Con: The retirement of Randy "Captain America" Couture.

Pro: The return of the Machida Era.

Con: The return of the Machida Era!

UFC 129 Awards:

The Hashim Rahman Award:

Winner: Mark Hominick - For continuing to fight his heart out even though it looked like his brain was trying to escape his forehead. Hematoma, Hematoma on my face, who's the ugliest of them all? Oh, and on a side note: Never type Hematoma into Google images. NEVER!

The "Look What I Can Do!" Award:

Winner: Pablo Garza – For submitting Yves Jabouin with a flying arm triangle at the end of round one. Ryo Chonan, eat your heart out!

The “Snots” The Dog Award:

The Winner: Jake Shields – For looking like a horny desperate dog humping a leg when he shot in for every one of his takedowns against GSP. A horny desperate weak rabid malnourished stray mutt of a dog.

The Back To The Future Award:

Winner: John Makdessi – For knocking Kyle Watson out with such a viscous spinning backfist that when he woke up he was in 1955.

The Secure In His Own Masculinity Award:

Winner: Mike Goldberg – For saying during the Ben Hendorson vs Mark Bocek fight. "Look at the legs of Ben Henderson. They are so muscular, tight, and epically awesome".

The E. Honda Award:

Winner: Jake Ellenberger – For knocking out Sean Pierson with one punch, then connecting with another one hundred punches (Actually 6 or so) before Pierson hit the mat and Herb Dean could stop the fight.

The Judas Award:

Winner: Toronto – For not one person in the crowd giving any kind of kind of response when, in his post fight interview Ben Henderson says: "Toronto, can I Get an Amen?". Even the Canadian crickets were like, "No" when Benson gave his shout out to God. Just so you now Toronto. I'm just saying!

The Cheech and Chong Award:

Winner: Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg – For, as of late, making less and less sense when they jabber off.

The following transcript is true and complete accurate and has not been altered for the benefit of George Carlin:

Mike Goldberg - Speechless at times when you just kind of look around at the crowd here tonight...

Joe Rogan - Yeah we might not stop. We might start stop. Stop talking somewhere in this, just because of that.

Mike Goldberg – Yeah!

The Master Of All That Is Everything Award:

Winner: Steven Seagal (Takeshigemichi) - For just EVERYTHING he is and will always be. A 7th degree aikido black belt. A blockbuster action star. A father. A dojo master. A police officer. A TV star. The first baby to ever do Karate (his own words). And a teacher of the most amazing and awesome kick that ever was, or will be!

However there is one thing he does not possess: his memory. During his post fight interview with Ariel Helwani, he could not remember his name (even though he had meet him several times) so he called him, "Interview Man" over and over and over again.

Then when asked by Ariel about the front snap kick he said in a previous interview that he invented and taught Silva and Machida, he stated: "People should not put words in my mouth. I did not invent the kick. I never said that". But he did, a few times. This dude is so hardcore he won't even let himself put words in his own mouth.

A Ground and Pound Highlight

When you look at all the arguments for how much more brutal MMA is than other combat sports, the typical fall-back is for detractors to bring up the fact that the combatants are allowed to strike each other while on the ground. While there is honestly no major difference in velocity and force between punching someone on a vertical or horizontal plane, there are technical differences, namely being that someone lying down can’t escape if they’re pinning, while a standing fighter can easily cut a corner if he’s back against a turnstile. Although MMA has produced not nearly as many fatalities, the mere fact that a dominant man can pin another and crush his face with punches or elbows it looks like he was born with Treacher-Collins Syndrome (research and ready your puke bucket), but this just happens in the mainstream, i.e., American circuits. The sadistic psychopaths of the Brazilian Vale Tudo events and the pathologically conforming Japanese have turned ground and pound from a simple tactic into, well…. a slightly more gruesome but equally simple tactic. Below are four of the best examples of the brutality of ground and pound.


Sergei Kharitonov v. Semmy Schilt – When it comes to ground and pound, most fighters aim for mounting and pounding an opponent, they do it while sitting on their waist. Sergei, being your typical Russian who possibly borders on violent paranoid schizophrenia, chose to instead sit on Schilt’s neck and pop him in the left eye with hammer fists. For an added bonus, since Japanese crowds are silent, you can hear the shrieks and cries of pain that Schilt slips out with every strike.

Jon Jones v. Matt Hamill – "HOLY CRAP STOP THE FIGHT!" I yelled this with every elbow Jones crashed into Hamill’s skull. Of course, this was pointless, because A) It was televised and B) the guy is deaf, yo. Of course, Jones was disqualified for using the 12-6 elbow drop, which was recently made illegal, but the aerial shot made of Hamill, blood pooling in the dents Jones left in his skull, was terrifying.

Mark Coleman v Igor Vovchanchyn – The wrestler who inspired the Coleman Clause and a decreed 'godfather of ground and pound (as if smashing someone’s face while they’re on the ground is a new notion, whatever)' Igor didn’t stand a chance in your typical wrestler vs. striker argument, and the twenty-plus knees he took to the forehead proves it.

Bob Sapp v. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira – Big Nog wins the prize for being one of the few men to endure a 360 pound black Godzilla power bombing him, breaking a dozen bones in his face with his turkey sized fists, and even going far enough to actually JUMP AND LAND HIS FIST DEAD CENTER ON NOG’S FACE (!) and then win the fight. Sure, he outclassed Sapp while standing by actually knowing how to box, but his insistence on wanting to finish by submission (as well as a nasty back injury) put him at a disadvantage.


Mr Brendan Rowe

10 Reasons To Support Cage Warriors

As with every MMA event I've attended in this country, there's a checklist of things I expect when I attend:

- to be abused or threatened by the drunken cavemen (they tend to hunt in packs)
- to be the smallest person in the venue by a very long way (this includes the women)
- to feel completely out of place and question my love for the sport within the first few minutes of arriving
- that guilty sense of pleasure I get whenever enjoying watching MMA live

If all of the above are checked off then I know it's been a good night.

Last Sunday at Cage Warriors 41 at the hmv Forum in Kentish Town, the list was emphatically checked off and then checked again just for good measure. I guess I bring it on myself...

With the above in mind, I bring you my 10 Reason To Get Behind Cage Warriors:

1. YOU CAN AFFORD TO ATTEND
2. The progress made between each event is blindingly obvious, from the production values to the fights themselves
3. Adam Edwards' phenomenal Baywatch theme walkout. We salute you, Sir.
4. They don't host at Time and Envy/Liquid and Chav/Stab and Envy
5. You might see Luc Lamude there in the near future...
6. An abundance of stools in between rounds
7. The promotion helps to further the careers of up and coming prospect fighters
8. YOU WILL ENJOY
9. Oh yeah, the fights. Them fights is good.
10. And I guess this only applies to the Brits, but you've got to support your own, haven't you?

We came, we saw, we loudly debated which fighter was sexiest as they walked by, we offended a red headed gentleman, we witnessed the burning canvas damage first hand (f*** you, James McSweeney*) and, despite a Baywatch inspired walkout not automatically being awarded the W, we loved every second of it.

With Cage Warriors 43 just announced I'll expect to see even more of you there. Maybe you can give me shit at the bar? :)





*It's a long story which resulted in receiving the following tweet from McSweeney himself:

@thephantomknee @jackstonemason y dont u do rub cream on his feet! Then bend over and let him take you aswell


Sexy stuff, James. We'll get the FlipCam...

Knowing Knee, Knowing You: Adam Edwards

On Easter Sunday, up-and-coming British featherweight contender Adam Edwards steps into the cage with undefeated Swede Niklas Backstrom at Cage Warriors #41. Since he’s no stranger to Dagenham or tattoos, we thought we’d get Martin Ives to ask him about grappling with animals and urban discipline.



Q: What is your martial arts background? What disciplines have you trained in and for how long?

I am BJJ Brown Belt, training at the MMA clinic, under/alongside the legendary Michael Russell, Thai Boxing fight experience under the tutelage of Chris 'My Hero' Carley and Head MMA coach Paul 'I love BJJ' Hines. All in all I’ve been training close to 10 years now.

Q: What was the catalyst for taking up MMA?

For me, it's the challenge. I’m not a thug, I like the opportunity to put my nice demeanour of everyday life to one side for 3x5's. I don't wish any ill will upon anyone I fight. Their unfortunate discomfort is an ends to a means of my competitive nature. I go for the win, not to make up numbers.

Q: Your Cage Warriors record is 2-0 by submission - do you anticipate a submission victory on Sunday?

Actually its 3-0, I fought many many moons ago when I was a mere wet necked blue belt. It was Cage Warriors #5 verses a gentleman of the sport,Ozzy Haluk. 

Q: At this level, how much consideration do you give to an opponent's previous fights or do you concentrate on your own game?

I research my opponent' s vids whenever I can. I expect the worse situation and I deal with it.  

Q: By day you are a tattoo artist, does the fear of a hand injury, which could rob you of your livelihood, dictate your fighting style?

It's in the back of my mind, but fearing it too much would not allow me to do my deed.

Q: Since you work with ink, in your opinion, who has the best/worst tattoos in MMA?

Best tattoos in MMA? I would have to say are worn by some of my team members ;)  One that is possibly the most powerful- as everyone knows it, is Roger Huerta's Tribal piece. Worst is a Heavyweight's giant penis sword.

Q: As a Dagenham resident, London's poorest borough with the lowest life expectancy - do you think this living environment has toughened you up?

A little-I’m quite agile on me feet and a good runner as a result! Joking aside, I have to repeatedly explain to people I’m not interested in street fighting. I love competitive fighting, structured rules, where we're all on the same page, where we can do the same to each other - I have no issue with someone punching me as hard as possible, because I can and will return the favour - It's a fair fight.


Q: What is the largest animal you could submit?

I've rolled with a few shaved silverbacks - especially back in the days when I used to wrestle the absolutes (no -gi). I would like to see if I could kimura a chimp - crazy flexibility and power. If it got out it'd be pissed, quick footwork and a cheeky toe punt in the jacobs would solve that!




Q: Do you believe in the Phantom Knee?

Question is… Does the Phantom Knee believe in me? Believe!

The end credits:

Huge huge thanks to all my family, for understanding the commitment and sacrifices we all make in eye of my goal, my beautiful wife for being so tolerant, more so around the weight cut. Also www.themmaclinic.com – for being part of such a positive team, Alan at www.fightersmind.co.uk and Bret at www.conceptfitnessuk.com

Mr Edwards is brought to you by:

Chameleons Custom Tattoos
Facebook Group

Fedor: The Legacy

Following his almighty beasting at the hands of Bigfoot Silva in the Strikeforce Heavyweight Grand Prix, a lot has been made of where Fedor goes from here. Is now the time to call it day? Go out gracefully? Will his evil overlords even let him? It would appear not. So who's next for the fallen icon?

A HW fight with the current LHW champion, of course...

Anyway, Mr Harry Borovick takes a look at the legacy of Fedor and his imprint on MMA:

31-3-1 is an exceptionally impressive record for any type of modern professional combatant. But is a world-class record enough to really build a world-class legacy? This writer thinks not. Fedor will either be remembered by many as the greatest heavyweight to ever step into the cage, or as the most over-hyped, over-protected and over-lauded fighter that has arguably done more to damage the image of the sport than any other athlete in recent times (Jose Canseco doesn't count).

The way in which "The Last Emperor" allowed himself to be managed by the M-1global businessmen such as Vadim Finkelstein showed he did not respect MMA as a sport whatsoever. Those who respect the rise of mixed martial arts as a legitimate form of sports entertainment understand its popularity and growth stems from unified management by organizations rather than selective promoters (a la boxing). This has eliminated much of the ego in the forming of deals and the staging of fights. A fighter signs a contract, and then he consents to do whatever that organization tells him to do. At the very core of Dana White's success (and to some extent CEOs such as Scott Coker and Bjorn Rebney) is his establishment of who's the boss between them and their fighters. Obviously fighters have to be respected to a certain extent as they are the show-piece and the actual mechanism for profit, but no fighter is so exceptionally valuable that he out-values the entire organization for which he fights for. Even fighters such as Georges St. Pierre, the most marketable athlete in MMA, understands that their career and success depends on good fights, strong promotion and the health of the sport in general.

Fedor's time as a great fighter was up when he got demolished twice in two fights, even he had to admit that. It is in a way ridiculous that he would not have been fighting for Strikeforce, but would have been in the UFC fighting for a considerably higher sum and a better deal if he had not consented to the poor management of M-1. I say this is ridiculous because Fedor's record was only built up in the first place because of such extraordinarily selective fight choices up until that point. This shows that not only has poor management in Fedor's case by his manager Vadim Finkelstein built a fake legacy around a fighter, but that it has damaged the sport as a whole because when a fighter is built up so highly and then is knocked down so easily it damages the legitimacy of a sport. When there is such a high level of professionalism all fights are expected to be highly competitive, close, and entertaining. Watching Fedor he has been none of these for a considerable period of time, something which is highly concerning for anyone who cares about the health of this sport.

M-1, Vadim Finkelstein and others of the same school of management need to leave MMA well alone if the sport is ever to grow and be respected universally. This is by no means a dying sport like boxing, however it is certainly increasingly restrained by unscrupulous people trying to take advantage of sportsmen to make a quick buck and further purely selfish ambitions.

Staying British In The Face Of Defeat

So, another title shot, another loss. Another compilation of soul destroying images burnt forever into the retinas. It'll be a long time before we forget the sight of Nick Diaz dragging the camera towards Paul Daley to televise his struggle getting onto the stool to receive medical attention. Deplorable, of course...

...And yet, pride. As with every British sporting defeat there was that overwhelming stirring of national pride. The kind that has you on your feet, single tear running down the cheek as you struggle to remember past the first few lines of 'God save the Queen' *. It's that semi-satisfying sensation that only comes with being a plucky runner-up (not to be confused with quarter-final-exit-dejection). To put it into perspective: it's the difference between Dan Hardy Vs. GSP and Dan Hardy Vs. Carlos Condit. We may not have won the belt, but we won the hearts of those watching. It's a singularly British feeling that comes with years upon years of national practice at falling at the last hurdle or just before that, even.

I, for one, am f***ing sick of it.

'He came so close!'

'If only!'

'Early stoppage!'

I welcome the day when I have no need to use these tired, defeated, 'nearly man' exclamations. We're 0-2 in major title fights and potentially a long way from the next one (sorry Count, we both know it's true). Until the day Rob 'The Bear' Broughton takes his rightful place upon the reinforced heavyweight throne, it's going to be one hell of a dry spell.

So what now? Learn some takedown defence? We finally find the man willing to stand with a 'classic British striker' and he goes and f***s the whole thing up by being the resoundingly better boxer. Clearly somebody needs to give Mr Diaz a little history lesson on Britain and boxing/striking. Very rude.

With the above cathartic outpourings contenting our strained British souls for now, we at The Phantom Knee salute you Mr Paul Daley for being the closest runner-up we've had so far. You truly gave us a genuine 'He came so close!' to scream at our televisions (for those of us who actually paid) and the knowledge that, this time, we actually gave them a run for their money. Even if it was just under one round.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, we look to the future. Just maybe...





Mr Jimbo Slice

twitter.com/thephantomknee
twitter.com/Mr_Jimbo_Slice

* Of course I know all the words.

The Aftermath: An Interview With Luc Lamude

We recently interviewed our good friend and future MMA prospect, Luc Lamude, prior to his professional debut. Following his first round submission victory, we wanted to check in on the welterweight and take another look into his unique mind...



Q: Fresh from your 'blink and you'll miss it' victory, did you think it would end so quickly?

A: I go in mentally and physically prepared to fight a full five rounds if I have to I never underestimate an opponent nor do I give them any respect that I wouldn't hesitate to KO or submit them in the first minute.



Q: The mood of the audience noticeably changed when you made your entrance - was that the desired reaction?

A: To be honest I was completely oblivious to what the crowd was doing, whether it was positive or negative. I could feel a massive amount of energy in the air which is a good thing, as it intensifies my fight state and gives me Godlike energy to create spirit bombs and summon laser rain.



Q: Your flamboyant in cage persona visibly rattled Slicius - deliberate ploy or nerves? Did he attempt to play any minds games with you before the bout?

A: That's a hard one to explain... I've competed many times before in BJJ and have always had a slightly 'exotic' pre-fight warm up and persona to boot, which would always draw a lot of attention. I don’t really plan what I’m going to do I just feel it; it’s like going into character or switching personality. I kinda knew that to having an actual ring entrance with music, in front of a large audience would really bring out that alter ego.

I think the unorthodox behaviour and odd body language is just a by-product of my mental state, it visually lets the other guy know that he's in trouble and I'm here to go hard. It's more instinctive than logical or tactical even. Unlike his intentional ploy to play mind games with me, hitting a brick wall with his fists and roaring like a wild boar outside my locker room to psyche me out... He must have forgotten that walls don't usually try to double leg you and then try and snap your arm in an armlock...





Q: The pec-flexing during the referee's instructions was simultaneously the funniest/blatantly disrespectful thing I've seen in the cage for a long time - did you think you won the fight at that point?

A: At that point I wasn't even thinking I was just doing, all my actions just happen subconsciously.



Q: After eating an opening punch from Slicius, you immediately went for the takedown - were you not tempted to trade with him a little?

A: No, I was gonna stick to my gameplan of taking him down and dominating him on the ground, I knew that he was predominantly a kickboxer, so playing to his strengths would have been idiotic. There’s no point in making a fight hard for no reason. Obviously I'll come across someone down the line who I'll have to trade leather with, but if I don't have to, I won't. You don't get paid for overtime in the cage!



Q: After the takedown, you dragged Arunas from one side of the cage to the other, scoring the arm bar right in front of your corner - was it just to give them a better view?

A: Well I thought if I dragged him to the other side I would increase my probability of getting laid by showing off my hairy caveman body to more women than I would just one side... Oh and the slight strategic advantage of having my corner give me uplifting compliments like how nice my shorts are, and the fact that I have beautiful curly hair and such a fit, buff body.



Q: A number of your Team Terror Squad buddies were in action on the night - how did they all get on?

A: Well it was a really good night for Team Terror Squad - we won 4 out of 5. Ben Blake had a first round stoppage with a ground & pound onslaught as did Danny Lawson. Jonathan Williams fought a hard battle, he pulled off some beautiful takedowns and slams but his opponent had a real talent for getting back up to his feet. Eventually his opponent made the mistake of giving up his back and got RNC’d by Mr Williams FTW. My good friend Spencer Hewitt had his first loss unfortunately, he did really well, never got really beat up bad, but the other guy just nullified his strengths (Boxing & BJJ) with wrestling and G&P. This isn’t such a bad thing, he'll just go away and work on his weaknesses and come back better and stronger.



Q: What did you do to celebrate your victory? There's some rumours going around that you arm-barred a few kids in the pit of The Chariot gig...

A: Well... I never arm barred anyone... but… I did get caught by a flying knee to the face by some douche crowdsurfer. I kinda thought 'hmmmm that wasn't so bad'... until my nose started gushing blood like a tap ten seconds later... So I decided that I needed to clean up my already disfigured nose but didn't want to miss out on any of The Chariot pit filth, so I used a nearby scenesters white t-shirt as a makeshift tissue blowing vast amounts of claret and snot all over the pristine white shirt. The look of shock and disgust on his face was priceless, but I really don’t recommend trying this to anyone. Later on I drunkenly climbed my friend's roof ala Batman in an attempt to find sheltered accommodation due to losing my phone doing multiple cartwheels off the stage at The Chariot gig. Instead I scared her flatmate into believing she had a bearded rapist covered in blood on her roof and destroying a plastic bin in the process.. I had to repay the damages.... in waffles!



Q: Guessing this first taste of professional MMA fighting hasn't put you off - when is your next fight and what elements will you be looking to improve of your game?

A: Well CFC in June at the Circus Tavern seems to be on the cards. I’m always improving every area of my game, I still have a lot treats in my bag of secrets that I haven't had the chance to use yet... You'll have to wait and see.



Q: Normally at the end of a post-fight interview, the victor will thank his training partners, his sponsors, his kids, some random family member, finally finishing off with a shout out to God and an invite to an after-party - do you want to get that tacky business out of the way and add anything I've missed?

A: I would like to thank Boost bars for making my muscles huge like conkers and Chris Webb for being a legend... Oh and of course Farrell and TDON Records, The Phantom Knee, Alan Whitton of Fighter’s Mind, Ross & Spencer Hewitt, Carl Orris, Dev Singh, Lord Hell, The Chechen Muscle Force, Fruity, N. Dinnadge and my ever supportive family.


The official CWC video for Luc's fight can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmeshxwVCuY

Or if you prefer a flip cam view with us laughing and cheering in the background, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0dQ3E3Qqjo&feature=related

Thiago Silva: Extracting The Urine

Brandon Vera now has one of the more impressive excuses in UFC history and a possible 'NC' where there was once an 'L' on his record. The story behind it is unfolding to be one of the more intriguing in recent times. Mr Furay ponders this mystery...

Thiago Silva: Extracting The Urine...Literally

In possibly the funniest turn of events in not only MMA, but sport in general, Thiago Silva has admitted submitting a urine sample "not of human origin". Now we all know Thiago fought like a Silverback Gorilla with roid rage against Brandon Vera, even drumming a tune on Vera like he was a bongo at one stage, well maybe he is exactly that? Half man/half beast? A shaven Sasquatch, Bob Sapp with Vitiligo? The missing link even? The mind boggles.

Well our imaginations were brought to Earth with a bump when King Kong admitted to submitting an "adulterated sample". Adulterated? What does that mean? You fucked it behind your wife's back? Yeah you adulterated it alright Thiago, you adulterated it right up.

So now he's come clean about the whole thing, and said he will accept any punishment The NSAC hands him. WELL DONE THIAGO, NOT LIKE YOU HAD A CHOICE NOW IS IT!

There's a few questions I want answered right now...

1. Which animal did he get this sample from? Dog? Cat? Pig? Clay Guida?

2. Did it never cross his mind to submit another HUMAN sample? He should have asked Lyoto Machida, I'm certain he has plenty spare in the fridge.

3. If he wanted to dodge a drugs test, why didn't he go to Alistair Overeem? He's been doing it successfully for years. Oh no wait, I forgot, it's the horse meat.

Thiago Silva: Gives a whole new meaning to taking the piss.

UFC 128 and Fight Night 24: Bumper Edition

It's a bumper edition. Like a bulked up Zuluzinho, we're bringing you twice the fun courtesy of Mr Shayne Grier and Mr Ashley Dempsey. Once more we're building those transatlantic bridges of MMA love...

UFC 128: The Retrospection


“Shogun” Rua vs Jon Jones (Light Heavyweight Championship)

Fight Walk-In's

Rua has all this hype surrounding him about this come back fight after being out of action for months. The problem he has is, the time he used promoting he should of used training. As Jon Jones came out looking like the hare, Rua was resembling the tortoise, the difference is, he had no shell to hide into, he just sunk his head into 205 pounds of fat. As he stands there with his man boobs that put the ring girls to shame, you see his confidence slipping as he looks across at Jon Jones who's eyes tell him “Champion 2011” - which is what his autographs were also telling people.

First Round

As Jones smashes RUA with a knee, you see RUA's fat ripple as he realizes it's game over. From here on, Jones gives a head kick and easily moves out the way of Shogun's hook punch. Jones executes the perfect take down. RUA, who is too fat to sit up, then receives some elbows to the body which makes his flabby stomach look something like when you push down on a balloon before it pops. Jones remains on top choking him like a fat rag doll. Shogun finally gets up and walks around wobbling with both his legs and his gut like a bowl of jelly, he ends up on his back again and is dominated as the round comes to an end.

Second round

Jones starts the round with a football kick to RUA's face then he pins him up against the Octagon and smashes him open with a spinning back elbow. Both men exchange blows even though Shogun's don’t always connect, and when they do, they do NOTHING! Okay, maybe not “Nothing”, but it looked like Shogun was in slap fight, while Jones was inside the Matrix. Shogun ends up on his back again causing more tsunamis around the world with the reverb from his gut as Jon unloads. He then gets dominated as Jones puts his forearm in his throat and then continues to smash his fat face in. The round ends as Jones gets shogun in a leg lock and hammer fists him. The round ended yet you can see that last punch rocked him, wobbling to the corner hoping for a miracle.

Round Three

Shogun finally does something, he ducks under Jones legs as he tries to kick him and performs a takedown, Jones then easily gets out of it within seconds and then lays on top of him. As Jones is on top of shogun he digs his elbow into his belly which seemed to do more good than harm. He then performs some devastating punches and elbows which rock shogun, and as one of my favorite fight quotes says, “Put him on Queer Street”. Shogun manages to escape to his feet, but that is only a minor relief from his broken will and body. A Semi conscious Shogun staggers back to the fence as Jones gives him one last knee to the face (But he Rua was going down anyway) knocking him down. Shogun then taps at the same time as Herb Dean calls the bout to a stop. Its over, new UFC Champion, Jon Jones.

Brendan Schaub vs Mirko Crocop (Fight for Pride)

Round 1 Brendan forces Crocop to dance around the octagon as brendan throws some jabs and various other strikes. It looks promising for Crocop as he sweeps and dodges away. Schaub has Crocop against the fence and after some pinning he gets a warning for hitting the back of Crocops head. Then brendan takes Mirko down and after some minor struggling, he then performs some huge punches to Crocops head, Crocop unrocked but no doubt hurt manages to make a switch and stand, Brendan tries to take him down again but Mirko defends himself from it. Mirko ends up pinned against the fence again and both men exchange the punches as the round comes to an end.

Round 2

Brendan darts around throwing jabs that miss as Crocop makes him chase. After a missed head kick Brendan takes down shogun again. Schaub lays ontop off crop cop and gives him big right hands, he stands and before he can get in the upright position crop cop up kicks him off his knees. Herb dean warns him now and the fight goes back again as Crocop ends up against the fence again and they hold each others arms and exchange blows. Crop cop then maneuvers and gets Brendan against the fence and they keep reversing a couple of times. Brendan's nose gets busted wide open and blood pours over both fighters. Herb dean then deducts a point from Brendan for hitting the back of his head. Brendan looks tired.

Round 3

As soon as the round begins Brendan is kicked in the balls. As soon as it kicks off again both men exchange a flurry of punches as Brendan then takes down Crocop who kicks out of it. Brendan takes him down again and charges in to it like a bull, hes clearly pissed off and is now turning it on. Brendan beats down on Crocop who manages to get out again. Both men are now exchanging punches but Brendan looks more focused. Crocop defends another takedown and then he is punched in the head while coming in, he drops with shades of the Gonzoga fight. This one comes to an end with yet another loss to one of the most brutal strikers to ever fight MMA.



Urijah Faber vs Eddie Wineland (#1 Contender Match)

There are fights that look great on paper, then not only live up to the hype, they engulf it with fiery vengeance. This fight was quite the opposite. Multi-Promotioninal champion Urijah Faber vs Multi-Promitional champion Eddie Wineland was tuned to be a barn burner, it was more like a barn building.

The short of it was:

First Round – Eddie Won (Not that exciting)
Second Round – Urijah Won (Slightly more exciting)
Third Round – Urijah Won (Slightly less exciting)

Faber wins the fight via decision. The End. Now he is in line for his title shot. Hope it is more fun to watch then this one.


Fight Night 24 The Reflection


Anthony Johnson vs Dan Hardy

From the start a modest Dan Hardy seemed unnerved by the over competence of Anthony Johnson. Although both men gave it their all, it seemed to be a very one sided match. The very fact that Anthony Johnson headbutted Dan Hardy as clear as day without anyone mentioning it or picking it up emphasized that Anthony was both cocky and lucky. Dan did some good defense and attacks however his British charm was soon smashed off his face as an unanimous decision favored Johnson. The highlight of this fight was the exchange both men did in the second round, other than that it was a fairly uneventful fight. With three losses in a row for Hardy we can only assume he is on the verge of getting cut. The outlaw is going to have to start staying with his in-laws to save up money to pay for his hairdressing bills.


Chan Sung Jung vs Leonard Garcia (The Rematch to “Fight of the Decade”)

In comparison to the first fight, this wasn’t exactly the fight of the decade or even fight of the night. Both men were more than ready for this and although the anticipation was electric the fight was quite slow. Both men was pretty even matched although Garcia seemed to be stronger. However when they were both 'turning it on' it was a good bout. Garcia seemed to have delayed reaction time which left a wide open Chan Sung Jung without any such pressure. Garcia's take down defense was weak and this enabled Chan Sung Jung to perform the first ever Twister submission. Leonard Garcia even though he was seconds away for the round to end which would of saved him, still tapped. This means Garcia and Chan Sung Jung are now at a 1-1 tie with beating each other. The next rematch is no doubt going to be 'Fight of the Decade'.




2 UFC Event Awards El Special Edition



The Tsunami Garland Submission Award:

Winner: Chang Sung Jung – For treating Garcia's spine like an apple core and forcing him to tap with just one second left in the second round.


The Dude Where's My Car-Dio Award:

Winner: “Shogun” Rua – For losing the little bit of energy he did come into the fight with midway through the first round. This fight should have been a battle, but instead it turned into a new school beatdown.

The O.J. Simpson Award:

Winner: Anthony Johnson – For blatantly headbutting Dan Hardy and still being able hold down Hardy and ride that white Bronco in for the Unanimous decision.


The Counterstrike Award:

Winner: Erik Koch – For treating Raphel Assuncao to a sweet right hook that sent him crashing to the canvas like a tree cut down by the “Ax Men”. This was the first time Raphel had ever been knocked out in his seven year career. Just goes to show even the bull needs to use defense now and again.


The Amir Sadollah Rewind (I Doth Protest) Award:

Winner: TJ Waldburger – For getting knocked out by Johny Hendricks only to pop up complaining it was an early stoppage. Apparently Johny's secret weapon is his ability to make his opponents looked knocked out just long enough for the referee to stop the fight.


The No Bones About It Award:

Winner: Phil Davis – For controlling, beating up, and treating “Lil” Nog to a lesson in wrestling. Much like “Big” Noggers, “Lil” Noggers is past his prime and might consider hanging it up. Phil Davis is NOT Jon Jones even though the majority seems to compare them. That's not a bad thing at all because that means one day we actually get to see the two beasts go at it.

The Mrs. Doubtfire Award:

Winner: Chan Sung Jung – For coming into this fight with the most ridiculous looking haircut. I'd call it wig-like, however that would be an insult to all hairpieces.


The John Cena Award:

Winner: Mike Russow – For smashing Jon Madsen's left eye to a shade of violet that could only be called, “Holy Heliotrope”. The doctor stopped the fight between the second and third rounds saving Madsen from Russow finishing him off with one last “Five Knuckle Shuffle”.

The Debut: An Interview With Luc Lamude

On Saturday 19th March 2011, a dear friend of the Phantom Knee, Luc 'Tank' Lamude, makes his pro MMA debut at CFC: Ultimate Cage Fighting at the Brentwood Centre.

We thought it might be fun to have Martin Ives catch up with him the week before, find out where he's at mentally, physically and philosophically.





Q: So Luc, in one week you make your long awaited MMA debut (pro rules - 3x5minutes - knees & elbows allowed) after something of a misfire on 30th January - what went down in January?

A: Well, I was supposed to fight Liam Cullen under semi-pro MMA rules, but unbeknownst to me he had cleverly decided that he was bare hard and would fight twice in the same night. One fight kickboxing and the other with me, in that order.
When word got back to him that majority of people were betting on me to win via 'Rape' in the first round, as well as psyching him out with a baby oil/bodybuilding routine at the weigh-in, I think he started to question his chances. Hence him fighting a kickboxing fight, winning, having a bad leg, withdrawing from fighting me due to injury, and later on, drunkenly dancing on the same bad leg victoriously...
All I can say is that it was very frustrating for me to sacrifice so much, and train so hard and not even get to fight! Especially for all my friends who had come to support me. If I get the pleasure of being rematched with Mr Cullen in the future, I'll make it a personal matter of beasting him thoroughly, even more so for wasting my time, and my friends hard earned sterling.

Q: How long have you been training in martial arts for, and what motivated you to take the step up in competition and try MMA?

A: Well, when I was 13, I was obsessed with Dragon Ball Z and that made me want to train martial arts, so I started training in Shotokan Karate at my school. After a years' worth of practicing choreographed dance routines (kata), I became very frustrated with the fact we never did any live sparring. I saw UFC on a documentary and was fascinated by the idea of different styles fighting each other in a 'no-rules' contest.
Later on, I discovered my first UFC video. What I saw was not what I had expected... Strikers getting owned by Royce Gracie. Intriqued I searched 'Gracie' on the interenet and discovered there was an Academy in Dagenham, run by Marc Walder. I did one lesson of BJJ and quit Karate immediately. Since then, I have trained BJJ predomiantly ever since.

Q: You're fighting at welterweight for this one - how do you balance training/nutrition with a full time job? What will you be doing this week to ensure you are fighting fit for the 19th?

A: Yeah I'm fighting at 77kg/12st 1lb. I usually walk around at 13st. I usually cut most of the weight in water a few days before the weigh-in, and rehydrate back up to 13st. I've recently gone part time at work, so I only work 3 days a week, 7am-3pm, so it's not that hard really to balance everything.
In terms of food, I pre-prepare 3 days worth of meals at a time, so I haven't got to worry about cooking something healthy in a rush, especially since I'm going to so many different places to train. On my days off I train 2-3 times a day, workdays just once. In the last week before the fight, I train very light - just some pad work and light grappling. I do alot of mental prep... Visualistion in the float tank, and I do hypnosis with my mind coach who keeps me focused. I like to watch films and stuff my face the night before.

Q: As a young, attractive man with a reputation as a socialite - how do you strike a balance between a big night out and serious training?

A: Haha - Well if I'm 6 weeks away from a fight, I'll go out, but no alcohol most of the time. Every now and then I'll have a couple to relax. After the fight is different matter altogether! I usually get tramp drunk on just about anything I can put down my throat, and gorge myself to bloatation on the filthiest foods imaginable until I pass out.

Q: For many years you stopped watching MMA, only recently returning to the action - why did you stop watching it and do you think the sport has changed much since the days of Genki Sudo?

A: Yeah for a long while I had no interest in the MMA side of fighting and was a BJJ snob. I started BJJ because I was a fan of 'no-holds-barred', what has now evolved into MMA. Back in those days, the quality of MMA in Britain was light years behind America. In terms of places to train in quality MMA there weren't any. So I just kinda went with the flow of competing purely BJJ, and just stopped watching MMA and lost track of it all.
Later on, I got disillusioned with BJJ competition. I think due to it mainly becoming points fighting, with the ongoing fad to score a point or advantage, and them run or stall for the rest of the fight.
I think seeing my friend, Spencer Hewitt, do so well at MMA influenced me to try MMA and reminds me why I started BJJ in the first place - because I love MMA! These days everyone watches MMA - more than they do boxing! Britain has caught up on the MMA scene. There's a lot of good people to train with in Britain!
MMA has evolved massively since the Genki days. Everyone can do everything! Boxing - kicks - wrestling - BJJ, and the level of athletism is far greater. Welterweight and lighter divisions are stacked with a ridiculous amount of talented fighters! It's never been better in terms of entertainment and action!

Q: Moving on from that question, what modern fighters have impressed you?

A: Gee - there's too many!
Diego Sanchez all day - nothing beats his focus, especially with those psycho "YES" chants!
Former WEC champ Ben Henderson is another fighter who's always involved in exciting fights - great wrestling and invulnerable to submission.
Mike Brown - awesomely powerful for his weight and devastating ground and pound.
Guida! Relentless pace and crazy hair!
And The Korean Zombie has got some serious punishment threshold.

Q: Leading into this bout, what do you know about your opponent, and do you have anything you would him to know about you?

A: Not alot... He's a kickboxer and that's about it. Nope, he can find out on the night.

Q: There are a number of your Terror Squad team mates on the card in Brentwood - who should we be looking out for?

A: All of them are gonna tear it up, so I'd watch all of them! Spencer Hewitt, John Williams and Dan Lawson have all trained like beasts!

Q: A number of our mutual friends refer to you as 'Tank' - You don't look that much like Tank Abbott - what's with the name, and will you be using it as your moniker for your debut?

A: Definitely not! I'm not really a fan of nicknames. There was a drunken incident at a fesival last year, where I decided to become my alter-ego called 'The Tank'. The Tank thinks he is indestructible, and the only phrase he ever says is "I'm a Tank". Whilst projectile vomiting.

Q: Do you have a favourite type of tank?

A: Mammoth tank from C&C. If you play Red Alert 2, it's called the Apocalypse tank.

Q: Just before we finish, can we kill the elephant in the room? There is another MMA event on the 19th - UFC 128 - in fact, after watching you do your thing, we're going to hotfoot it back to Knee HQ and watch it - who is your pick - Shogun or Jones?

A: Jones!


Luc Lamude competes at CFC: Ultimate Cage Fighting, 19th March 2011, at The Brentwood Centre. For tickets: http://www.nationalboxoffice.co.uk/cage-fighter-championship-ticket-76.html

What Michael Did: A Thoroughly British Perspective

Seeing as how certain MMA sites are dishing out a less than even handed treatment of the whole Bipsingate, we figured we'd do the same.

RULE BRITANNIA, GOD SAVE THE QUEEN AND ALL THAT.

We were going to start by saying how we don't IN ANY WAY condone the actions of Michael Bisping at UFC 127. We were then planning on following that up with how we feel HE SHOULD BE DISCIPLINED for spitting at Rivera's corner men and conducting himself in an unprofessional manner.

However, we're sick to death of hearing the campaign against Bisping. Especially from the team that spent so much time mocking him and winding him up in the first place. It's like the kid in your class who spends all day poking fun and flicking bogeys at the geek only to run crying to teacher when the geek starts throwing some punches (and illegal knees).

HE SHOULD BE CUT FROM THE UFC, IT'S AN ABSOLUTE DISGRACE.

OK, just so long as this is made a precedent and we start 'back dating' these sort of infractions. Anyone caught cheating shall be dealt with... Cheick can go for his many, many groin shots, Tito can go for grabbing the fence so flagrantly against Machida, Marquardt for basically the entire Leites fight, Koscheck for the knees that never were and Kenny Florian just 'cos I just don't like his face. Obviously these are completely different offences and I'm clutching at straws somewhat.

Let's just cut the crap and sum it all up shall we:

YOU JUST DON'T LIKE HIM.

He's British, he's confident and he occasionally beats mid-tier opponents. Ultimately he's no more cocky than any of other fighter that claims victory before the fight. Something they all do without fail. The Rangers mocked and wound him up and it backfired. Apparently a pissed off Count is actually a far more dangerous proposition than the point-fighting-decision-winner they may have otherwise faced.


Now, before you angrily pound away at your keyboard to let us know just how wrong we are and how we're condoning the actions of an over-emotional idiot, read between the lines a bit here (the first paragraphs especially). Playing Devil's advocate is hard, seeing from both sides is surprisingly easy. We advise you listen to Jordan Breen's level headed analysis on Sherdog's 127 'Beatdown after the Bell' podcast. We wholeheartedly agree with him.



THIS WAS WRITTEN TO GET A REACTION OUT OF YOU, NOTHING MORE.

The t-shirt however, was from the heart (and meant to be in the spirit of things...) x

'Dear Jorge, Go HARD or Go HOME. Now Ranger OFF!'

Reasons Why British MMA Will Inevitably Overtake The USA

Before you read this we'd like you to a couple of things for us:

1. Take a deep breath.
2. Remember that we are all one and there is no 'us' or 'them' only 'we'.

That said, f***ing bring it on!

Reasons why British MMA will inevitably overtake the USA

By Harry Borovick

Not so long ago, Japan was the world leader in providing MMA fans with blood-fests for the our televisual pleasure. Now, the USA is undoubtedly viewed the leader, not just because of their media dominance through the UFC and Strikeforce, but because there is a perception that their system produces greater athletes for home fans to cheer for. Here are three, unashamedly cliché reasons why British and European MMA has lagged behind but will inevitably overtake the USA in producing quality products.

1. “The Count” Bisping (aka Hendo punching bag) is a prime example of a British MMA fighter who has been beaten by dominant wrestlers despite being a well rounded and arguably better fighter than those who beat him. It is easy to argue Bisping technically is better at clinching and striking than fighters like Dan Henderson. The problem arises when he gets out wrestled, gasses because of this and then lets his hands down (we know what happens next: “limey-mocking”. Therefore clearly the key to already better British fighters doing well internationally is increased wrestling ability, something we're already seeing in fighters throughout British MMA. Surely this means it's just a matter of time till wrestling credentials alone from the US wont be enough to make Brits wet themselves.

2. American MMA fighters come from two American disciplines, wrestling and what the colonials call football. From Bobb Sapp to Ben Askren we see this has been a staple of American MMA since their fighters showed up in Pride. Therefore the Americans have basically one talent; tackling. Brits do this as well, but they do it in a masculine way, without pads, its called Rugby. Because Brits are not overly concerned with this, we produce more well rounded fighters who, from a young age, focus on actual fighting rather than sharing showers with other shoulder-pad-wearing men. Case in point, Dan Hardy. Taekwondo and grappling from a young age. British emphasis on fighting rather than simply running and tackling is clearly going to make us superior in the long run. Need proof? Anyone ever see Bobb Sapp actually striking against anyone who wasn’t an American wrestler? No? Watch him vs Cro Cop, enjoy, thank me later.

3. The final reason is short and simple. Americans don’t have a fighting tradition apart from wrestling. Americans try to claim boxing for themselves. It's not, it's British. Who cares if they claim to produce the best fighters. Anyone who followed Joe Calzaghe will agree, they may have more, but we invented it and we have our fair share of talent. Basically, just because we don't always win at a sport, doesn't mean others can claim it for themselves. British cricket, football and rugby fans will all know what I'm saying. Its just a matter of time 'till proud British history of fighting overtakes the yank arrogance of stealing British national identity.

Basically, Britain's closing the gap.

(Extra note: This entire article is a waste of time because we all know Brazilians just end up beating everyone)



We warned you...

UFC 126: An Epic Tale

UFC 126
by Shayne Grier


Anderson Silva vs Vitor Belfort (Middleweight Title Fight)

The build up was intense for this showdown. It started with the pre-fight interviews, to the speculation that an elite striker would have the best chance to fumigate “The Spider”, and the hype peaked during the weigh-ins when Silva molested Vitor's face with his face (Wearing a mask nonetheless) and started spitting out, heated, vulgar (Maybe) Brazilian Jabberwocky until Dana White was forced to intervene.

The wait was over and the fight began, then for the next two minutes the fans were treated to a staring competition for the ages. The entire MMA community let out a collective sigh, the crowd started to boo, and everyone watching thought, “Here we go again”.

Anderson throws a kick...
More staring...
A short glancing stare...
Vitor throws some lighting fast punches grazing Anderson...
Anderson throws a fake stare...
Then finally get up close and personal with a few punches and kicks...
Vitor secures a quick takedown...
(I'm sure there is a non-visual stare in this exchange somewhere)...
Vitor tries to land a few ground and pound shots but misses...
Anderson scrambles to his feet and ends the exchange with a knee to Vitor's dome...
More staring...
A three second knee staring competition ensues...
More eye staring...
(Elapsed time: WHO CARES!!! FIGHT ALREADY!!)...
More staring...

Then from a screaming angry drunks mouth somewhere deep in the bayou, we faintly here, “Do something you chocolate covered grass hopper eating pansies!” and then, Anderson Silva does. In the time it would take for a normal human to blink, Anderson's foot left the mat and punted Belfort straight in the jaw with a kick straight out of Tekken 3. Vitor's legs gave out as he crumpled to the canvas, Silva stayed calmed, kept his focus, and landed two more punches to the downed “Phenom” before Mario Yamasaki halted the bout. One of the most amazing and brutal kicks in the history of MMA ended the night for Vitor and left us all wondering who might be able to end the champs reign.


Problem: Anderson Silva Is Unbreakable

Anderson hasn't lost a fight since Rumble on the Rock in 2006 when he knocked out Okami with an “Illegal kick”. But come on, Silva was clearly kicking at Okami's chest when he leans into it with his face. A DQ in that situation is ridiculous for two reasons:

1-It should have been ruled a NO CONTEST since it doesn't appear it was intentional.
2-If you can knock someone out with a kick when you are on your back in guard, then not only should it be a legal strike, the fighter that threw the strike should get a “Golden Retriever” as a KO bonus.

Silva is riding a 14 fight win streak (9 KO's, 3 Subs) and always seems to be on the kill screen level while his opponents still have their hand in their pocket searching for a quarter to start the game with.


Solution: Time Travel

Anderson Silva needs to put an ad on Craigslist stating:

Dr. Emmett Brown needed for immediate space time continuum job opportunity.

He needs to then travel 6 months into the past and fight himself. The world would be treated to an epic battle the likes of which we have only seen in Superman 3, thus changing the face of our sport for years and years to come. Or, it might just end up being a 25 minute Eddy Gordo Dance Dance Revolution clinic. In the end, at least we would see Silva or Silva lose, but I guess in the end, he still keeps his belt and reign. Bullocks to you time travel, Seth Bullocks you to hell!


Forrest Griffin vs Rich Franklin (Light Heavyweight Superfight?)

Former Middleweight Champion Rich Franklin vs Former Light Heavyweight Champion Forrest Griffin was slated to be a UFC Superfight. And, well, sadly it was. Flashback to Dan Severn vs Ken Shamrock at UFC 9 or Royce Gracie vs Ken Shamrock at UFC 5. All of these contests seemed miraculous and exciting on paper, but when all was said and done we were left feeling like Roy Stalin at the end of the classic comedy starring John Cusack, Better of Dead.

If you really care to know, Griffin wins via fairly boring and uneventful encounter. At no point in the contest did either fighter gain more than a minor advantage. It was a see saw struggle fest between two kids who weighed exactly the same, and neither wanted to use his feet to push off the ground for fear the other might jump off and the one left on the saw might get KTFO'd.


Problem: Both men are destined to be gatekeepers

With Rua, Jones, Machida, Rampage, Lil Nog, and Anderson Silva (When he feels like a low to moderate challenge) nestled atop the Light Heavyweight ladder, there is just no way either touch the gold again. It is a little bit depressing too because both Griffin and Franklin are humble, talented, hardworking, smart and respectful fighters. It is just too bad this isn't a high school popularity contest, it's the UFC.

Solution: Reinstate the Superfight belt

That's right, I said it. Make a new/old belt class, add Griffin and Franklin to the pool of former Superfight Championship participants. I mean come on, look at the depth in this class: Oleg Taktarov, Ken Shamrock, Dan Severn, Kimo Leopoldo, Tsuyoshi Kohsaka, Royce Gracie, Don Frye, Mark Coleman, Randy Couture, Vitor Belfort, Joe Charles, Hugo Duarte, and Tank Abbott. And you thought Light Heavyweight was a stacked division. Boo-YEAH!


Jon Jones vs Ryan Bader (Post-fight #1 Contender Bout)

The battle of two undefeated fighters, although the UFC couldn't bill it as such because of Jones's DQ lose to Hamill.

Let me digress for a minute:

What a farce of a rule; A fighter can elbow you with side of joint, but not the point? A 9 to 6 strike isn't legal, but a 3 to 12 is? I'm confused. Then shouldn't a hook be illegal too? It technically comes from the 9 to 6 position; If the clock is horizontal and turned around then that is a 9 to 6 strike too!

Oh, it is because I don't have elbow pads on to protect the other fighters precious “Fabio-esque” good looks”? Give me a break. They signed up for the same fight as I did. Learn to elbow strike, or at least defend it you moron.

What about knee strikes? It's the point of joint and they usually go from 6 to 12 if the clock (We are assuming is there) is upright. That sounds way more dangerous than a “9 to 6 elbow strike”. It must be because the fighters are laying down on the ground and not standing up. Because we all know when fighters are on the ground is when the most brutal and nasty strikes occur.

Listen, I'm not fighter, but Randy Couture endorses this statement 100 percent. So if you don't like it. Talk to him.

End of digress. I thank you for waiting:

We all knew it was however a fight of two undefeated LH studs, and that is what made this a fight a true fans dreamy delight.

Jones took it to Ryan early and looked close to submitting him barely a minute and a half into the first round with a variation of the “Mr. Wonderful” choke. In the second round Jones mixed it up with his reach, using punches and kicks to make the undefeated Ultimate Fighter winner look like a fish out of water. Then with just forty seconds left in the second round he took that fish threw him on the banks of the river and sucked the air right out of his gills with a modified guillotine choke. Sadly, Bader never even looked remotely in this fight.


Problem: Jon “Bones” Jones as yet to be tested.

Sure he has fought some good fighters, but he has made EVERY one of them look as if they belong on the Strikeforce roster. He fights smart, hard, unorthodox, and is in a league of his own when it comes to unpredictability (Except for those elbows. We know those lethal bows are coming every fight, it's just no one can stop them).


Solution: Mauricio “Shogun” Rua

After the fight Joe Rogan dropped the bomb on Jones offering him Rashad's title fight spot against Shogun Rua in six weeks. Finally after 13 fights we get to see Jones fight someone who will actually make it a fight, for at least for one round.



UFC 126 Awards:

The UFC Inaguration Curse:

Winner: Kid Yamamoto – The “Kid” is added to the list of UFC debutantes that just don't live up to what they can do; Like Mark Hunt, Takanori Gomi, Shogun Rua, Carlos Condit, and Heath Herring. If no one has ever seen the 4 second knee KO Yamamoto pulled off, well, I'd say Google it, but that is over played, and um, just Yahoo it. We all know Yahoo would do good with some search love right about now.


The Rosetta Stone Award:

Winner: Anderson Silva – For fighting in the UFC since June of 2006 and still only being able to say, “Thank you” and “I'm Sorry” as part of his English arsenal. Dude, this is why people think you are cocky and arrogant. If Cain Velasquez can learn English, so can you.


The First Knee Is Always The Sweetest Award:

Winner: Kyle Kingsbury – For it only taking one knee to the body of Ricardo Romero's to make his insides want be on the outsides, of the Octagon. Sure, it took a few more knees and punches to have the referee step in to stop the fight, but Romero was done as soon as he felt the wrath of that first knee.


The Above The Law Award:

Winner: Steven Seagal – For telling the world in several post fight interviews that he invented the kick that Silva used to KO Vitor. It was a front snap kick to the face. My nine year old son Jackson learned and perfected that kick last year when he was a green belt in Tae Kwon Do.

You are a Big Shot Seagal. Can I call you BS? Good times; Thank you! Listen BS, we all know you are a Major in the Army of Douche, but please, tell the world the truth. Please recant your lies and tell them the real creator of this move. You know the man, the myth, the legend, the creator of all that is MMA; And dare I say it, the world. No, not God. Someone more creative, more stylish, more You look up to him, you call him daddy when you sleep, and he made YOU, who you are. So, for the love of Jebus, give him his due...

Master Le KaullingUoutA told us in an exclusive interview, that your teacher, your master, your guide, Al Gore invented that kick the day he invented the internet. I'm super serial, he totally deserves the recognition, and us here at the Phantom Knee will not stand with you and your cowardice. I mean really, be man and tell the truth about Gore. What else has he got? The earth saving thing? No. We all know that isn't going anywhere.

AWARD POST SCRIPT: I had to bring this to the worlds attention...Four of Steven Seagal's movies have the word “Justice” in the title. Can someone please give this guy a thesaurus and teach him and his producers some new words? How about...

Out for Reasonableness

Or

Mercenary for Compensation

Or

Urban Amends

Or

True Evenness

Who cares really, but I thought is was just another reason to prove to the world that SS is a BS MF'img CF AH! Sorry, but this dude is a B-Licken-Liar!


The Bizarro Award:

Winner: Miguel Torres – For abandoning his aggressive ways en route to his decision win over Antonio Banuelos. Sure your aggression got you two loses in a row, sure your pride and ego were bruised, sure you got the win in this but this “play it safe” style is not how you gained your fan base. This fight was setup to be an all out fantastical war of two aggressive fighters, instead it was almost as big of a let down as Houston Alexander vs Kimbo Slice.


The Homie I Know You Will Not Remember All This But Give It A Shot Because I Don't Really Even Understand What In The World You Are Actually Saying Once You Translate What I Have Said Anyway/Coat Tail Rider Award:

Winner: Ed Soares – For listening to Anderson answer Joe's first post-fight question for a whopping minute and fifteen seconds, then acting as if he really could recall translate all of that properly. I just feel dirty every time Ed translates for Anderson because we all know Soares is just saying what he wants us to hear, and not actually what Silva has said. He is the Don King of Brazilian fight managers.


The A-Hole Award Goes To Joe Rogan:

Winner: Joe Rogan – For Making Vitor watch the KO!


The Tainty Dunce Award:

Winner: Paul Kelly – For barely touching gloves with Donald Cerrone before throwing a hard punch that barely missed. Turnabout is fair play, Paul Kelly gets submitted in the second round by rear naked choke. Oh, and Kelly, good thing “The Cowboy” showed you more respect than you should him by letting go of the choke as soon as he felt you tap.


The Rick Roll Award:

Winner: Dan Severn - For being awesome. You might ask, why you talking about Mr. Severn? He didn't fight at UFC 126. Correct, he did not. However, the reason is four-fold:

One: I already mentioned him and I can do what I want.

Two: He is the current Elite Heavyweight Title holder, former UFC Superfight title holder, and former two time UFC tournament winner, this guy is a BEAST (Pun intended) and his 52 years old. Um, older than Randy and Herschel.

Three: The UFC need not worry about Fedor or Overeem. I say, bring back the only true elite Heavyweight juggernaut and let him show the chumps of UFC Heavyweight division how a real man throws down, old school style.

Judging

The time is December 4th, we're all recovering from the UFC and Strikeforce going head-to-head whilst Matt Lindland, Scott Smith and Babalu are still regaining consciousness. There was something else that stood out from this weekend, however...

Allow Gregg Roach to transport you back to that time (because we were too ill to deliver this when it happened) and look at the truth behind this.


This past weekend, MMA fans were treated to a smorgasbord of bouts from the sport's top promotions UFC and Strikeforce. However, though Saturday night offered an unexpected series of knockouts from resilient underdog Strikeforce ("KO's for X-mas" anybody?), the UFC served up a trademark series of decisions that continued to show the organization's similarly trademark problem with incompetent judging. Namely, Team Jackson fighter Leonard Garcia, already the recipient of a questionable decision victory this year, got the nod over former TUF contestant Nam Phan in a bout Phan clearly dominated . The controversial decision sparked an assault against the UFC, with speculations of bribery and corruption. However, many people, including outspoken UFC commentator, Joe Rogan, downplayed the UFC's involvement, blaming the Athletic Commissions for hiring underqualified judges. But, with the UFC, and former sister company WEC, at the center of most of the judging muff-ups this year, is there not reason to believe that the promotion has some involvement in the supposed "judging epidemic?" A gratuitous glance around the Octagon says "YES!"

And, no, we are not referring to that psycho, Diego Sanchez (though we're sure he would agree with our conclusion). We're referring to the sumptuous smile and ample bosoms of UFC ring-card girl, Arianny Celeste. A quick survey of the UFC's recent judging fiascoes shows no constant judge as the culprit of the contentious calls (though there's a subtle correlation with Cecil Peoples). However, a consideration of other factors reveals one common denominator - Arianny Celeste. This ever-present beauty can be seen floating around the ring at every last one of the UFC's matches called under scrutiny. Machida/Shogun I - Arianny. Brilz/Nogueira - Arianny. Sherk/Dunham - Arianny. Rampage/Machida - Arianny. It is suspected that the past year's influx in faulty calls came in the wake of the UFC's decision to employ only two ring-card girls after UFC 107. This decision to cycle between two girls instead of three is believed to have increased the total amount of time Arianny's delectable body is exposed for all, including the judges, to see. This increased exposure, in turn, caused increased distraction of the judges and increased inattention to the actual fights, which lead to coin-flip calls. Similar to the UFC, the WEC's issues with judging were shown to involve the consistent presence of ring-card girl Brittney Palmer. However, Palmer's effect on questionable calls is smaller than Celeste's, likely because of the WEC's tendency to put on fast-paced, exciting fights that command spectators' undivided attention.

With the UFC's absorption of the WEC and acquisition of Palmer, there's bound to be an even higher influx of knee-jerk decisions. Our proposed solution- keep Chandella Powell as the sole ring-card girl of the Octagon. While statistical analyses revealed that Celeste and Palmer have significant effects on the presence of questionable calls, Powell was proven to have no effect on judges' calls - WHATSOEVER. Thus, with only Powell bumbling around the cage, judges will remain unfazed and fully focused on the fights. In addition, it may be important to note that ancillary analyses revealed that the presence of occasional ring-card girl, Rachelle Leah, showed a slight effect on questionable calls. We conclude that it is probably best if Leah continues to be used sparingly (and in NO WAY is joined with Palmer and Celeste. The projected effect will be too large to ensure competent judging, or attention to the matches at all).

So, is the UFC to blame for its cases of bad judging? In an indirect way, yes. While the UFC may not be at fault for appointing the judges, it is undeniably at fault for employing distractingly attractive women whose mere presence interferes with judges' abilities focus on fights (Maybe now Cecil Peoples can be viewed as less of a hater of leg-kicks, and more of a lover of fine women). We know many readers will find our solution drastic, or even unnecessary, but we must save the UFC, and MMA, from the excess of bad calls that is indisputably killing both. And so, it is time for our young sport to make the mature decision to do away with its lust of luscious breasts and buxom backsides, so we can continue our love of battle-hardened men pommeling one another in the spirit of unadulterated competition.

The Long Of It: UFC 124

UFC 124: you gave us a new found appreciation for the jab in MMA but left us cold when we realised that was all we were getting. If your opponent has NO DEPTH PERCEPTION you should probably get after him. Just a thought...

We'll leave our bloodlust aside and pass you over to the ever capable Mr Shayne Grier as he once more gives you the long of it.

UFC 124 after-MATH(s)

George “Rush” St. Pierre

Problem: Unable to finish his foes.


No doubt, the dude can fight and he knows how to win. Fact is he hasn't lost a round since the first Koscheck fight. I for one have been hating on GSP for several years now because of his “Wet Quilt” like approach to fights. But there is a factor we all seem to be forgetting, the men he battles don't get finished, not by him, not by anyone.

Let's take a quick look at his last five opponents leading up to their clash with the Canadian one. Josh “The Fraggle” Koscheck had not been finished since 2005 (15 fights) and no, I do not count the Paula Thiago early stoppage, because that is what it was, EARLY. Dan “Once Iron Jaw” Hardy had not been finished since 2005 (23 fights). Baby Jay “The Hawaiian Cowboy” Penn actually was finished by GSP, but in his entire career (24 fights) only one other man was able to finish him. Thiago “Overweight” Alves had not been finished since 2006 (11 fights). Which leads us into the last on our list, Jon “Wolverine” Fitch was only been finished once, yes, once, and that was in 2002 (26 fights). Don't blame the Canadian if every man that stands across the cage from him is auditioning for the role opposite of Samuel Jackson in Unbreakable 2.

Solution: Bring in a ringer


Most of these neanderthals crying about “Rush” not finishing his foes don't watch Japanese MMA. Actually I would dare to bet that this group of casual fans doesn't even know there are other promotions outside of UFC and Strikeforce. My solution is simple, bring in Kazushi Sakuraba, bill him as the legendary Gracie killer and former UFC Japanese Heavyweight tournament winner. I can already hear the Jabberwocky rising as we see George flatten Saka via reverse flying Superman punch four seconds into the fight. If this doesn't work, have Kenneth Allen (Look him up) come out of retirement and hype the fight as, “The comeback story of the millennium”.


Trash Talking

Problem: Fake Hype.


In the ring after GSP took him to Boxing 101 school Josh Koscheck said, and yes I am paraphrasing:

I just want you to know (Crowd) that I love this city. No hard feelings? I mean, truth is, everything I said and did on the show was to hype the fight. I don't hate this guy, look at him, I mean look at him, who could hate him? As a matter of fact, George is a respectful, hardworking, always improving, compassionate, funny, charismatic, overall perfect champion. I feel privileged just to have been able to share the same air as him for the taping of The Ultimate Fighter.

So, before their fight Josh says and does things that would make you think GSP was the boy in elementary school that took his lunch money everyday. Then immediately after he gets battered for five rounds he's hanging on his nuts harder than Scrat from Ice Age. The emotional turnabout was so epically appalling that I could barely even keep my midnight snack (Goat Cheese Nachos) from resurfacing. Before, I thought Koscheck was an ignorant loud mouth Cacafuego. Now, I know he's a phony arrogant double faced Microphallus.

Solution: Ambiguous Hype.


Nothing was better than knowing Ken Shamrock and Tito Ortiz truly hated each other. There was no, “It was all talk. We were just selling the fight”. They didn't hug each other, they didn't shake hands, they didn't even want to be in the same cage as one another unless they were smashing knuckles. Or so it seemed. Some rumors say it was fake (Why would Ken get so mad just because Tito flipped the Lions Den the bird?). Some rumors say it was real (I'd be mad for a decade too if that big headed “Huntington Beach Albino” threw up the middle man in my general direction).

Truth is, no one knows the truth. Why ruin a perfectly good heel vs face showdown by telling the world it was a work? Let our imagination believe it was real, let us for a second, live our lives vicariously through these grudge matches. If the fighters blatantly deny the “Kayfabe” after the fact, then all we are left with is two amazingly talented athletic warriors risking life and limb to entertain us, and that's just lame.


Frankie Edgar

Problem: He's Champion.


(See above)

Solution: Jim Miller.


(See above)


Final Pluses and Minuses of UFC 124

Plus: Josh's eye after “Jab Fest 2010” looking like the augmented lips of Angelina Jolie.
Minus: Joe “Daddy” not being able to regurgitate all that canvas he ate to feed his four kids.
Plus: Natal vs Bongfeldt majority draw. Not because the judges got it right, but because with this draw they are telling all the fans, “Yeah, we'll go there”.
Minus: For the idiot fans not picking the Sean Pierson vs Matt Riddle as the “Fight of the Night”.
Minus: “McLovin” not lovin' how his last three fights have turned out.
Plus: Santa Claus for not stopping the main event when he thought Rudolph was trapped inside JK's right eye and trying to escape.

Our pluses and minuses were as follows:

Plus: The excitement in watching Charles Oliveira bound towards the Octagon.
Minus: Jim Miller.
Plus: The abusive changes to Koscheck's Wiki page (apparently he's an 'American douchbag wrestler').
Minus: Where's our f***ing Wiki page?!
Plus: The spicy nuts.
Minus: The overwhelming level of cayenne pepper in Jimbo's failed 'Sloppy Joe Stevensons'.
Minus: Josh Koscheck's face.
Plus: Josh Koscheck's face afterwards...

As usual, feel free to educate us on where we went wrong. Though we should point out that we've never been wrong in our entire lives x