The Knockout Barometer

Knockouts are fun, but what are they worth? Where does a particular knockout register in the grand scheme of things? Mr Brendan Rowe helps us to gauge the impact of a knockout with the Knockout-O-Meter.


The DEFINITIVE Knockout Barometer
Or, the Knockout-O-Meter

We're all honest enough to admit that the only reason we watch MMA is to see somebody get their shit wrecked. If we wanted to see technique, we'd watch collegiate wrestling, Olympic Tae Kwon Do, or the Grappler's Quest tournament. However, in no way do these mediums sate our blood lust: we want to see Jon Jones implode another deaf guy's face, or Rampage drive another Brazilian ten feet into concrete. This is because most of us are nothing but a bunch of cowardly spectators, really. But, there are some that actually train for competition, and to those few, I salute you. With that, here is a barometer to compare your striking ability to.

If you can knock out Andrei Arlovski... then you've got pillow hands. Jake Shields could knock out Arlovski. Aron Ralston could knock out Arlovski, and only with his nub. If this is the best you can do, maybe stick to ground and pound.

If you can knock out Todd Duffee... then you are one lucky sumbitch. Seriously. I sure do hope the concussions and the likeness to Homer Simpson are worth it. If you can knock out Duffee, consider working on accuracy and not getting punched in the face so often.

If you can knock out Stefan Struve... then you've got some seriously long arms. How do you even manage to walk, being so disproportional? The guy is over ten feet tall! If you can knock out Struve, you're somewhat decent, but consider using that 100 inch wingspan of yours to knuckle walk into the cage. You'll scare all the other males, at least.

If you can knock out Keith Jardine... then you're clearly a bomber, although your long-term success may be questioned. Of the few people that have managed to put Jardine in dreamland, only half of them have remained relevant. One lost to Kimbo, the other is forgotten for more likeable Silvas, namely Anderson and Wanderlei.

If you can knock out “Rampage” Jackson... then you must have had titanium implants in your kneecaps. How else could you manage to stop the two-time slayer of the Iceman? Outside of lay and pray, that is.

If you can knock out Antonio Rrrrodrigo Noguiera... then you are either the bane of Brock Lesnar, or his punching bag. Hitting this hard not only means you're more accurate than Fedor, but also that you have more freakish power than Bob Sapp. Rejoice, you're truly a freak of nature.

If you can knock out Kazuyuki Fujita... then you must obviously take steroids. Fujita's body had to develop to accommodate his thirty five pound head, leading to no neck and a physique that screams “NEANDERTHAL!” Fujita's skull is thick enough to survive a nuclear blast, which has caused Japanese scientists to develop fallout shelters synthesized from his bone structure. Knocking him out deserves the Overeem Award for Mindless Violence.