Judging

The time is December 4th, we're all recovering from the UFC and Strikeforce going head-to-head whilst Matt Lindland, Scott Smith and Babalu are still regaining consciousness. There was something else that stood out from this weekend, however...

Allow Gregg Roach to transport you back to that time (because we were too ill to deliver this when it happened) and look at the truth behind this.


This past weekend, MMA fans were treated to a smorgasbord of bouts from the sport's top promotions UFC and Strikeforce. However, though Saturday night offered an unexpected series of knockouts from resilient underdog Strikeforce ("KO's for X-mas" anybody?), the UFC served up a trademark series of decisions that continued to show the organization's similarly trademark problem with incompetent judging. Namely, Team Jackson fighter Leonard Garcia, already the recipient of a questionable decision victory this year, got the nod over former TUF contestant Nam Phan in a bout Phan clearly dominated . The controversial decision sparked an assault against the UFC, with speculations of bribery and corruption. However, many people, including outspoken UFC commentator, Joe Rogan, downplayed the UFC's involvement, blaming the Athletic Commissions for hiring underqualified judges. But, with the UFC, and former sister company WEC, at the center of most of the judging muff-ups this year, is there not reason to believe that the promotion has some involvement in the supposed "judging epidemic?" A gratuitous glance around the Octagon says "YES!"

And, no, we are not referring to that psycho, Diego Sanchez (though we're sure he would agree with our conclusion). We're referring to the sumptuous smile and ample bosoms of UFC ring-card girl, Arianny Celeste. A quick survey of the UFC's recent judging fiascoes shows no constant judge as the culprit of the contentious calls (though there's a subtle correlation with Cecil Peoples). However, a consideration of other factors reveals one common denominator - Arianny Celeste. This ever-present beauty can be seen floating around the ring at every last one of the UFC's matches called under scrutiny. Machida/Shogun I - Arianny. Brilz/Nogueira - Arianny. Sherk/Dunham - Arianny. Rampage/Machida - Arianny. It is suspected that the past year's influx in faulty calls came in the wake of the UFC's decision to employ only two ring-card girls after UFC 107. This decision to cycle between two girls instead of three is believed to have increased the total amount of time Arianny's delectable body is exposed for all, including the judges, to see. This increased exposure, in turn, caused increased distraction of the judges and increased inattention to the actual fights, which lead to coin-flip calls. Similar to the UFC, the WEC's issues with judging were shown to involve the consistent presence of ring-card girl Brittney Palmer. However, Palmer's effect on questionable calls is smaller than Celeste's, likely because of the WEC's tendency to put on fast-paced, exciting fights that command spectators' undivided attention.

With the UFC's absorption of the WEC and acquisition of Palmer, there's bound to be an even higher influx of knee-jerk decisions. Our proposed solution- keep Chandella Powell as the sole ring-card girl of the Octagon. While statistical analyses revealed that Celeste and Palmer have significant effects on the presence of questionable calls, Powell was proven to have no effect on judges' calls - WHATSOEVER. Thus, with only Powell bumbling around the cage, judges will remain unfazed and fully focused on the fights. In addition, it may be important to note that ancillary analyses revealed that the presence of occasional ring-card girl, Rachelle Leah, showed a slight effect on questionable calls. We conclude that it is probably best if Leah continues to be used sparingly (and in NO WAY is joined with Palmer and Celeste. The projected effect will be too large to ensure competent judging, or attention to the matches at all).

So, is the UFC to blame for its cases of bad judging? In an indirect way, yes. While the UFC may not be at fault for appointing the judges, it is undeniably at fault for employing distractingly attractive women whose mere presence interferes with judges' abilities focus on fights (Maybe now Cecil Peoples can be viewed as less of a hater of leg-kicks, and more of a lover of fine women). We know many readers will find our solution drastic, or even unnecessary, but we must save the UFC, and MMA, from the excess of bad calls that is indisputably killing both. And so, it is time for our young sport to make the mature decision to do away with its lust of luscious breasts and buxom backsides, so we can continue our love of battle-hardened men pommeling one another in the spirit of unadulterated competition.

WEC 53 & THAT moment

We've all seen it, we've all seen it again. Most of us have shown it to our friends in an attempt to show them just how BADASS MMA is. Everyone involved in the sport has deliberated it for some time now, but nobody has asked the real question.

Until now...

Over to 'Big' Stu Furay.

Hollywood itself couldn't have scripted it better. In the very last minute of the very last round of the very last fight on the very last card of the WEC, Anthony 'Showtime' Pettis, in his fight against Champion Ben Henderson, lived up to his nickname in the most amazing style.

Its now known as the 'Matrix Kick', something straight from the movies. A move that will live forever in the memory of MMA fans around the world, be repeated on MMA highlight reels for the rest of history and handed down from generation to generation.

Move of the year, move of the decade or move of the century, call it what you like, it was a moment so stunning, so outrageous and so magical it will probably never be seen again.


So after all this there is only one thing left to be said;


F##k me Bendo, you didn't see that coming, did ya?

The Long Of It: UFC 124

UFC 124: you gave us a new found appreciation for the jab in MMA but left us cold when we realised that was all we were getting. If your opponent has NO DEPTH PERCEPTION you should probably get after him. Just a thought...

We'll leave our bloodlust aside and pass you over to the ever capable Mr Shayne Grier as he once more gives you the long of it.

UFC 124 after-MATH(s)

George “Rush” St. Pierre

Problem: Unable to finish his foes.


No doubt, the dude can fight and he knows how to win. Fact is he hasn't lost a round since the first Koscheck fight. I for one have been hating on GSP for several years now because of his “Wet Quilt” like approach to fights. But there is a factor we all seem to be forgetting, the men he battles don't get finished, not by him, not by anyone.

Let's take a quick look at his last five opponents leading up to their clash with the Canadian one. Josh “The Fraggle” Koscheck had not been finished since 2005 (15 fights) and no, I do not count the Paula Thiago early stoppage, because that is what it was, EARLY. Dan “Once Iron Jaw” Hardy had not been finished since 2005 (23 fights). Baby Jay “The Hawaiian Cowboy” Penn actually was finished by GSP, but in his entire career (24 fights) only one other man was able to finish him. Thiago “Overweight” Alves had not been finished since 2006 (11 fights). Which leads us into the last on our list, Jon “Wolverine” Fitch was only been finished once, yes, once, and that was in 2002 (26 fights). Don't blame the Canadian if every man that stands across the cage from him is auditioning for the role opposite of Samuel Jackson in Unbreakable 2.

Solution: Bring in a ringer


Most of these neanderthals crying about “Rush” not finishing his foes don't watch Japanese MMA. Actually I would dare to bet that this group of casual fans doesn't even know there are other promotions outside of UFC and Strikeforce. My solution is simple, bring in Kazushi Sakuraba, bill him as the legendary Gracie killer and former UFC Japanese Heavyweight tournament winner. I can already hear the Jabberwocky rising as we see George flatten Saka via reverse flying Superman punch four seconds into the fight. If this doesn't work, have Kenneth Allen (Look him up) come out of retirement and hype the fight as, “The comeback story of the millennium”.


Trash Talking

Problem: Fake Hype.


In the ring after GSP took him to Boxing 101 school Josh Koscheck said, and yes I am paraphrasing:

I just want you to know (Crowd) that I love this city. No hard feelings? I mean, truth is, everything I said and did on the show was to hype the fight. I don't hate this guy, look at him, I mean look at him, who could hate him? As a matter of fact, George is a respectful, hardworking, always improving, compassionate, funny, charismatic, overall perfect champion. I feel privileged just to have been able to share the same air as him for the taping of The Ultimate Fighter.

So, before their fight Josh says and does things that would make you think GSP was the boy in elementary school that took his lunch money everyday. Then immediately after he gets battered for five rounds he's hanging on his nuts harder than Scrat from Ice Age. The emotional turnabout was so epically appalling that I could barely even keep my midnight snack (Goat Cheese Nachos) from resurfacing. Before, I thought Koscheck was an ignorant loud mouth Cacafuego. Now, I know he's a phony arrogant double faced Microphallus.

Solution: Ambiguous Hype.


Nothing was better than knowing Ken Shamrock and Tito Ortiz truly hated each other. There was no, “It was all talk. We were just selling the fight”. They didn't hug each other, they didn't shake hands, they didn't even want to be in the same cage as one another unless they were smashing knuckles. Or so it seemed. Some rumors say it was fake (Why would Ken get so mad just because Tito flipped the Lions Den the bird?). Some rumors say it was real (I'd be mad for a decade too if that big headed “Huntington Beach Albino” threw up the middle man in my general direction).

Truth is, no one knows the truth. Why ruin a perfectly good heel vs face showdown by telling the world it was a work? Let our imagination believe it was real, let us for a second, live our lives vicariously through these grudge matches. If the fighters blatantly deny the “Kayfabe” after the fact, then all we are left with is two amazingly talented athletic warriors risking life and limb to entertain us, and that's just lame.


Frankie Edgar

Problem: He's Champion.


(See above)

Solution: Jim Miller.


(See above)


Final Pluses and Minuses of UFC 124

Plus: Josh's eye after “Jab Fest 2010” looking like the augmented lips of Angelina Jolie.
Minus: Joe “Daddy” not being able to regurgitate all that canvas he ate to feed his four kids.
Plus: Natal vs Bongfeldt majority draw. Not because the judges got it right, but because with this draw they are telling all the fans, “Yeah, we'll go there”.
Minus: For the idiot fans not picking the Sean Pierson vs Matt Riddle as the “Fight of the Night”.
Minus: “McLovin” not lovin' how his last three fights have turned out.
Plus: Santa Claus for not stopping the main event when he thought Rudolph was trapped inside JK's right eye and trying to escape.

Our pluses and minuses were as follows:

Plus: The excitement in watching Charles Oliveira bound towards the Octagon.
Minus: Jim Miller.
Plus: The abusive changes to Koscheck's Wiki page (apparently he's an 'American douchbag wrestler').
Minus: Where's our f***ing Wiki page?!
Plus: The spicy nuts.
Minus: The overwhelming level of cayenne pepper in Jimbo's failed 'Sloppy Joe Stevensons'.
Minus: Josh Koscheck's face.
Plus: Josh Koscheck's face afterwards...

As usual, feel free to educate us on where we went wrong. Though we should point out that we've never been wrong in our entire lives x

The Rear View mirror: UFC 124

Xmas is all about getting surprises, so when we asked GSP for a KO this year and got a jouyous 5 round beating instead, we weren't disappointed. Slightly less surprising was that oh-so-familiar feeling of watching the guy(s) we picked to win getting bashed/tapped/humiliated. Ah well, over to 'Big' Stu Furay for a cheeky once-over of Saturday's action.

UFC 124 Expert(?) Analysis

So the trash talking is over, the punches have been thrown and the arguments have been settled. So what are the major talking points from 124 and what have we learnt?

- If you talk trash, you have to be able to back it up. Sean Mccorkle: EPIC FAIL!

- Koscheck: not only are you a second rate trash talker (“Dude, you’re a male nurse!”) you can’t fight very well either. GSP didn’t even break into a sweat!

- Rafael Natal, go back to what you’re good at: playing Tennis.

- Our very own Jimbo Slice is still crying salty tears of despair after Jim Miller derailed the Charles Oliveira hype train. Here’s a quick tip, when someone is trying to knee bar you, don’t just lie there! Try and stop them!

- After living off rice, beans and lentils, how Mac Danzig even has the strength to lift his hands up, let alone generate enough power to knock someone out is beyond me.

- But the real story of 124 was not GSP's pure awesomeness, or Koscheck’s hideous eye, but the amount of Gingers on display! Mark Bocek (Super Ginge), Pat Audinwood (Strawberry blonde?), Jim Miller (Ginger beard) and Matt Riddle (Ron Weasley stunt double?) all fought. Speaking of Ron Weasley, I watched the new Harry Potter film the other day, it’s a bit unrealistic if you ask me, I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?


We've learnt never to get our hopes up for another fighter ever again :( That and when you're screaming 'slay the man-giraffe' at the TV at around 5am, something has gone horribly wrong with your life.

Horribly.

TPK's Revised Rules Of MMA - Part Two: Real World Rules Of MMA

One of these days we'll be made World Governing Body of MMA, until that day comes we'll continue to share with your our overflowing wells of knowledge and our vision of a brighter future. A future where all men must compete in cages made of sharks teeth, with gloves made of razor wire and under the supervision of robotic judges and a Judge Dredd like referee who, rather than stand-up the fighters, cuts their heads clean off with a 6 foot samurai sword. NO MERCY FOR THE BLANKETING WRESTLER!

Anyway, we'll leave you in the slightly more merciful hands of Mr Harry Borovick:



The 10 Real-World Rules of MMA

1. Saying a bad word against GSP in Canada is punishable by water-boarding (under the supervision of Jean-Charles Skarbowsky).

2. If you think Koscheck is funny, you're no older than 6.

3. You can be perceived as practically invincible for years, despite looking like the Michelin Man (I'm looking at you Fedor), but inevitably someone always ends up beating up the fat kid.

4. Judging accuracy is based on how long the judges aren't on their phones checking their Ebay bids.

5. Bruce Buffer will never be out of a job. If he isn't around to shout it, people will forget which sport they've paid to watch.

6. Being a massive douchebag to fans and other fighters will guarantee you a job in fight sports. FACT: everyone loves to see a loudmouth get hit.

7. Alistair Overeem can kick you so hard he will force your liver to shut down. Nothing to do with "advanced supplements", obviously.

8. Lesnar's beard does the impossible. It makes a man who already looked like a mass murdering version of the Hulk, look more intimidating. Now he looks like a viking Godzilla murderer. (Note: Increased facial hair does not increase ability to defend against Mexicans.)

9. Karo Parisyan is a badass. It doesn't matter if he loses. The man fights with a hole in his leg. That's as close as we're going to get to seeing disabled vs able bodied fighting sports.

10. Rob Broughton. Nothing more need be said.


Whilst we tend to agree with the above, number 10 being particularly poignant, we're fairly certain we've seen a 'man' with no limbs get a tasty BEASTING. Also, see the blog later this week for an alternative take on number 4...

TUF 12: A Mini Bloguette

Following the fallout from the explosive Ultimate Fighter Season 12 finale, our very own Troy Nelson looks at the legacy of everyone's favourite reality TV show.

What can you say about The Ultimate Fighter? Widely regarded as the zeitgeist capturing TV event that changed public perception towards the sport we love from 'No Holds Barred' fighting, to actually understanding the unbelievable levels of commitment (or not, in the case of that fat fuck Southworth) required to make it as a professional mixed martial artist.

Fast forward to present day, Season Twelve - Team GSP vs Team Koscheck reached a scintillating climax with Jonathan 'Merman' Brookins edging a decision over 'Not That' Michael Johnson. With his unstoppable takedowns, 'The Merman' joins other elite Ultimate Fighter winners such as Court McGee, Efrain Escudero, James Wilks and the world's toughest vegan Mac Danzig.

Now a lot of MMA commentators, in both print and online, have suggested that maybe the format has gotten a little stale. Hmmmm... I'm more likely inclined to blame the very mediocre fighters dutifully trotted out every few months for their shot at the 'bigtime' that we're supposed to get behind. Bruce Leeroy? He's not exactly Chris 'The Pisshead' Leben in terms of charisma or eccentricity is he?

In recent times, the only fighters who have actually looked 'world class' have been Roy Nelson (who already had a proven track record), Ryan Bader *shudders* and Ross Pearson (at a push). The last season that actually had compelling new combatants was Season Three. In 2006.

The Knockout Barometer

Knockouts are fun, but what are they worth? Where does a particular knockout register in the grand scheme of things? Mr Brendan Rowe helps us to gauge the impact of a knockout with the Knockout-O-Meter.


The DEFINITIVE Knockout Barometer
Or, the Knockout-O-Meter

We're all honest enough to admit that the only reason we watch MMA is to see somebody get their shit wrecked. If we wanted to see technique, we'd watch collegiate wrestling, Olympic Tae Kwon Do, or the Grappler's Quest tournament. However, in no way do these mediums sate our blood lust: we want to see Jon Jones implode another deaf guy's face, or Rampage drive another Brazilian ten feet into concrete. This is because most of us are nothing but a bunch of cowardly spectators, really. But, there are some that actually train for competition, and to those few, I salute you. With that, here is a barometer to compare your striking ability to.

If you can knock out Andrei Arlovski... then you've got pillow hands. Jake Shields could knock out Arlovski. Aron Ralston could knock out Arlovski, and only with his nub. If this is the best you can do, maybe stick to ground and pound.

If you can knock out Todd Duffee... then you are one lucky sumbitch. Seriously. I sure do hope the concussions and the likeness to Homer Simpson are worth it. If you can knock out Duffee, consider working on accuracy and not getting punched in the face so often.

If you can knock out Stefan Struve... then you've got some seriously long arms. How do you even manage to walk, being so disproportional? The guy is over ten feet tall! If you can knock out Struve, you're somewhat decent, but consider using that 100 inch wingspan of yours to knuckle walk into the cage. You'll scare all the other males, at least.

If you can knock out Keith Jardine... then you're clearly a bomber, although your long-term success may be questioned. Of the few people that have managed to put Jardine in dreamland, only half of them have remained relevant. One lost to Kimbo, the other is forgotten for more likeable Silvas, namely Anderson and Wanderlei.

If you can knock out “Rampage” Jackson... then you must have had titanium implants in your kneecaps. How else could you manage to stop the two-time slayer of the Iceman? Outside of lay and pray, that is.

If you can knock out Antonio Rrrrodrigo Noguiera... then you are either the bane of Brock Lesnar, or his punching bag. Hitting this hard not only means you're more accurate than Fedor, but also that you have more freakish power than Bob Sapp. Rejoice, you're truly a freak of nature.

If you can knock out Kazuyuki Fujita... then you must obviously take steroids. Fujita's body had to develop to accommodate his thirty five pound head, leading to no neck and a physique that screams “NEANDERTHAL!” Fujita's skull is thick enough to survive a nuclear blast, which has caused Japanese scientists to develop fallout shelters synthesized from his bone structure. Knocking him out deserves the Overeem Award for Mindless Violence.