TPK's Revised Rules Of MMA - Part Two: Real World Rules Of MMA

One of these days we'll be made World Governing Body of MMA, until that day comes we'll continue to share with your our overflowing wells of knowledge and our vision of a brighter future. A future where all men must compete in cages made of sharks teeth, with gloves made of razor wire and under the supervision of robotic judges and a Judge Dredd like referee who, rather than stand-up the fighters, cuts their heads clean off with a 6 foot samurai sword. NO MERCY FOR THE BLANKETING WRESTLER!

Anyway, we'll leave you in the slightly more merciful hands of Mr Harry Borovick:



The 10 Real-World Rules of MMA

1. Saying a bad word against GSP in Canada is punishable by water-boarding (under the supervision of Jean-Charles Skarbowsky).

2. If you think Koscheck is funny, you're no older than 6.

3. You can be perceived as practically invincible for years, despite looking like the Michelin Man (I'm looking at you Fedor), but inevitably someone always ends up beating up the fat kid.

4. Judging accuracy is based on how long the judges aren't on their phones checking their Ebay bids.

5. Bruce Buffer will never be out of a job. If he isn't around to shout it, people will forget which sport they've paid to watch.

6. Being a massive douchebag to fans and other fighters will guarantee you a job in fight sports. FACT: everyone loves to see a loudmouth get hit.

7. Alistair Overeem can kick you so hard he will force your liver to shut down. Nothing to do with "advanced supplements", obviously.

8. Lesnar's beard does the impossible. It makes a man who already looked like a mass murdering version of the Hulk, look more intimidating. Now he looks like a viking Godzilla murderer. (Note: Increased facial hair does not increase ability to defend against Mexicans.)

9. Karo Parisyan is a badass. It doesn't matter if he loses. The man fights with a hole in his leg. That's as close as we're going to get to seeing disabled vs able bodied fighting sports.

10. Rob Broughton. Nothing more need be said.


Whilst we tend to agree with the above, number 10 being particularly poignant, we're fairly certain we've seen a 'man' with no limbs get a tasty BEASTING. Also, see the blog later this week for an alternative take on number 4...