UFC 129: Hematoma

We've seen enough of Mark Homick's head to last us a lifetime, so we're passing you over to Mr Shayne Newton Grier.

George St. Pierre vs Jake Shields (Welterweight Title Fight)

As this fight grew ever closer the UFC tried tirelessly to try and make the general fan base believe that Shields had some sort of chance to beat the champ. With MMA being such a fickle mistress, there is never a guarantee for any fighter to win. The one thing I knew with 100% certainty is that with both Shields and GSP being in love with smothering opponents on the ground, the fans were going to be treated to, "Some Serious Siamese Snuggie Smothering". The four S's, as the "Super Seagal" calls it. All trademarks are giving and received by Master S.S.

However, even guarantees have fine print, and this one reads: This guarantee is null and void if both fighters decided they can be more boring without the use of any Snugging!

GSP wins via another five round dominating snore fest. Shields never landed anything significant except for a nice stiff eye poke that destroyed Pierre's left eye. Supposedly this is the reason George couldn't finish off Jake. The true reason why he never finished him is because, of this...

Greg Jackson's Striking Strategy For GSP:

Soft jab

Soft jab

"Liddell-esque" Overhand right

Soft jab

Soft jab

"Koscheck-esque" Overhand right

Soft jab

Soft jab

Slightly harder jab

Soft jab

"Fedor-esque" Sloppy Overhand right

Where in the world were the hooks, the uppercuts, or even the undercuts? Or at least a good set-up for the horrible looking overhand rights he was throwing every 3rd or 4th punch. I can't even recall him throwing a hook or an uppercut. Really? I mean, really?

Problem: GSP Simply Dominates

Now, it's not that he dominates to finishes. No, no. That hasn't happened in a very long time. He just beats guys up in such a way that he wins every round and looks pretty untouchable doing it. This wouldn't be such a problem if he could finish the fight, but every fight ends with a fairly uneventful decision win for Mr. "Rush". Which makes for a very unmarketable fighter...

Solution: Bring On The Champ

The only fight that makes sense after another sleeper with GSP, is to have him fight a champ that only "Brings it!"

That's right, bring on Nick Diaz. Out of Nick Diaz's last 16 fights, only 3 have gone to decision and out of those, he has won 14 of them. To be fair if you look at the last 16 fights for GSP, he actually has a better or equal track record of finishing foes, but ever since he got pummeled by Serra, he always wants to play it safe.

The point I am making is: Diaz is the only man that will make GSP fight the fight we all know he can because for some reason, the men who fight GSP as of late can't get past his mystic of dominance.

Nick Diaz will cut the UFC champ's angles off with his FAR superior boxing, then, if GSP wants to go the ground (which he will not), he'll have to show he is not the color belt in BJJ that his trainers have given him.

Could Georgie beat Diaz? Sure. But only with the level of boring Snuggie action that we have come to expect from "The Fighter Formerly Known As Rush". Diaz would never, and I mean NEVER let him play that game. He would keep scrambling for submissions making it a very entertaining fight; while it lasts. Nick will make GSP work until he finally makes a mistake and then it's over.

Jose Aldo vs Mark Hominick (Featherweight Title Fight)

Jose Aldo or as the completely inept commentary team that the UFC has on their payroll calls him, JOE-SAY Aldo. I have been watching Aldo since he was first in the WEC and I have never heard anyone call him JOE-SAY. So, either is HO-ZAY has changed the pronunciation of his first name for his UFC debut, or (See: The Cheech and Chong Award at the end of the article).

I honestly thought that Aldo had this fight in the bag early in the fight, and then at the end of round one something changed the outcome of the entire fight.

(The Giant Horrible Disgusting Hematoma on top of Hominick's forehead)

Most would assume that a giant clotting of blood hijacking someone's forehead during the course of a title fight, whispering into their brain, "Dude we are having some serious issues here" would make THAT fighter say, "I'm out". Not Hominick! This dude is a fighter to the core of his existence. He kept fighting for FOUR more rounds with, as my homeboy T AND A said to me: "That looks like the baby on the forehead of Nurse Gollum from South Park". Yeah, look it up. Completely accurate. That thing was a baby looking to breach it's father's right eye!

Aldo faded heavily in the 5th and final round. Hominick was laying down some really heavy ground and pound in the fifth and final round. If this had gone to a sixth round, Aldo would have lost his title.

Aldo wins via decision in a very entertaining and hard to look at hematoma, I mean fight.

We learned a few things from this fight:

1: Mark Hominick does not say, "I quit" for ANYTHING! Big props for that, homie!

2: I hate looking at Hematomas. They are gross to the "Heehaw! Maximum!"

3: JOE-SAY Aldo is human.

4: I really bet chicks dig the scar on Aldo's face.

5: Hominick will beat Aldo in a rematch.

6: The featherweight division is very exciting!

7: I REALLY hate looking at Hematomas!!!

Randy Couture vs Lyoto Machida (Loser Leaves UFC Fight)

I was looking forward to this fight ever since it was announced. The basis for any great MMA fight is a fantastic style match up and these too styles (Karate/BJJ vs Wrestling Legend) this was bound to be a classic. With Machida on a two fight losing streak it seemed as if another loss meant "Exit the Dragon".

The first round was very exciting and had some great exchanges between these two warriors. Machida used his patented jumping knee to the body a few times as Randy tried to get a hold of him. Then there were a few great scrambles as Lyoto used his elusive footwork to avoid being pushed against the cage. Couture was working hard to find a way to get into some dirty boxing exchanges or clinch action against the cage, but it was to no avail.

As the second round started it looked like we were in for another fun round with two fairly evenly matched warriors. Then this two-on-two match turned into a triple threat match when Master Steven Seagal decided to yell, "Machida, use the kick". Lyoto's soul heard his masters cries and delivered a jumping front kick directly onto the jaw of Randy Couture. "The Natural's" eyes rolled back into his head and he fell straight backwards slamming his head into the mat; Lights out!

During the post fight interview, Machida gave full props to his father and Steven Seagal for teaching him the front kick. Oh man, does Steven Seagal really need his ego inflated anymore?

Pros and Cons:

Pro: Getting to see a second front kick KO!

Con: The retirement of Randy "Captain America" Couture.

Pro: The return of the Machida Era.

Con: The return of the Machida Era!

UFC 129 Awards:

The Hashim Rahman Award:

Winner: Mark Hominick - For continuing to fight his heart out even though it looked like his brain was trying to escape his forehead. Hematoma, Hematoma on my face, who's the ugliest of them all? Oh, and on a side note: Never type Hematoma into Google images. NEVER!

The "Look What I Can Do!" Award:

Winner: Pablo Garza – For submitting Yves Jabouin with a flying arm triangle at the end of round one. Ryo Chonan, eat your heart out!

The “Snots” The Dog Award:

The Winner: Jake Shields – For looking like a horny desperate dog humping a leg when he shot in for every one of his takedowns against GSP. A horny desperate weak rabid malnourished stray mutt of a dog.

The Back To The Future Award:

Winner: John Makdessi – For knocking Kyle Watson out with such a viscous spinning backfist that when he woke up he was in 1955.

The Secure In His Own Masculinity Award:

Winner: Mike Goldberg – For saying during the Ben Hendorson vs Mark Bocek fight. "Look at the legs of Ben Henderson. They are so muscular, tight, and epically awesome".

The E. Honda Award:

Winner: Jake Ellenberger – For knocking out Sean Pierson with one punch, then connecting with another one hundred punches (Actually 6 or so) before Pierson hit the mat and Herb Dean could stop the fight.

The Judas Award:

Winner: Toronto – For not one person in the crowd giving any kind of kind of response when, in his post fight interview Ben Henderson says: "Toronto, can I Get an Amen?". Even the Canadian crickets were like, "No" when Benson gave his shout out to God. Just so you now Toronto. I'm just saying!

The Cheech and Chong Award:

Winner: Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg – For, as of late, making less and less sense when they jabber off.

The following transcript is true and complete accurate and has not been altered for the benefit of George Carlin:

Mike Goldberg - Speechless at times when you just kind of look around at the crowd here tonight...

Joe Rogan - Yeah we might not stop. We might start stop. Stop talking somewhere in this, just because of that.

Mike Goldberg – Yeah!

The Master Of All That Is Everything Award:

Winner: Steven Seagal (Takeshigemichi) - For just EVERYTHING he is and will always be. A 7th degree aikido black belt. A blockbuster action star. A father. A dojo master. A police officer. A TV star. The first baby to ever do Karate (his own words). And a teacher of the most amazing and awesome kick that ever was, or will be!

However there is one thing he does not possess: his memory. During his post fight interview with Ariel Helwani, he could not remember his name (even though he had meet him several times) so he called him, "Interview Man" over and over and over again.

Then when asked by Ariel about the front snap kick he said in a previous interview that he invented and taught Silva and Machida, he stated: "People should not put words in my mouth. I did not invent the kick. I never said that". But he did, a few times. This dude is so hardcore he won't even let himself put words in his own mouth.

The Brazilian Chuck Norris

Mr Harry Borovick pays homage to Chuck Norris' illegitimate son, Jose Aldo.

Firstly, I should clarify: Jose Aldo is not Chuck Norris' son, But if this were true, it would be better than if the UFC's very own Chuck had retired when everyone-but-him knew he should have. In light of this, here are 5 facts you never new about our favourite miniature Brazilian.

1. Jose Aldo's kicks hit so hard he doesn't have to kick a tree to cut it down. He kicks Urijah Faber and a tree falls because its scared.
2. Jose Aldo makes money on the side of fighting by killing cows via face punch for Burger King.
3. Jose Aldo doesn't give a shit, he is the shit.
4. If he gets angry he kicks everything he sees until Dana White hunts him down and fills him full of tranquillizer darts, like a Rhino.
5. Jose Aldo can beat the Incredible Hulk in a "how fast can you KO Cub Swanson" contest.

Fedor: The Legacy

Following his almighty beasting at the hands of Bigfoot Silva in the Strikeforce Heavyweight Grand Prix, a lot has been made of where Fedor goes from here. Is now the time to call it day? Go out gracefully? Will his evil overlords even let him? It would appear not. So who's next for the fallen icon?

A HW fight with the current LHW champion, of course...

Anyway, Mr Harry Borovick takes a look at the legacy of Fedor and his imprint on MMA:

31-3-1 is an exceptionally impressive record for any type of modern professional combatant. But is a world-class record enough to really build a world-class legacy? This writer thinks not. Fedor will either be remembered by many as the greatest heavyweight to ever step into the cage, or as the most over-hyped, over-protected and over-lauded fighter that has arguably done more to damage the image of the sport than any other athlete in recent times (Jose Canseco doesn't count).

The way in which "The Last Emperor" allowed himself to be managed by the M-1global businessmen such as Vadim Finkelstein showed he did not respect MMA as a sport whatsoever. Those who respect the rise of mixed martial arts as a legitimate form of sports entertainment understand its popularity and growth stems from unified management by organizations rather than selective promoters (a la boxing). This has eliminated much of the ego in the forming of deals and the staging of fights. A fighter signs a contract, and then he consents to do whatever that organization tells him to do. At the very core of Dana White's success (and to some extent CEOs such as Scott Coker and Bjorn Rebney) is his establishment of who's the boss between them and their fighters. Obviously fighters have to be respected to a certain extent as they are the show-piece and the actual mechanism for profit, but no fighter is so exceptionally valuable that he out-values the entire organization for which he fights for. Even fighters such as Georges St. Pierre, the most marketable athlete in MMA, understands that their career and success depends on good fights, strong promotion and the health of the sport in general.

Fedor's time as a great fighter was up when he got demolished twice in two fights, even he had to admit that. It is in a way ridiculous that he would not have been fighting for Strikeforce, but would have been in the UFC fighting for a considerably higher sum and a better deal if he had not consented to the poor management of M-1. I say this is ridiculous because Fedor's record was only built up in the first place because of such extraordinarily selective fight choices up until that point. This shows that not only has poor management in Fedor's case by his manager Vadim Finkelstein built a fake legacy around a fighter, but that it has damaged the sport as a whole because when a fighter is built up so highly and then is knocked down so easily it damages the legitimacy of a sport. When there is such a high level of professionalism all fights are expected to be highly competitive, close, and entertaining. Watching Fedor he has been none of these for a considerable period of time, something which is highly concerning for anyone who cares about the health of this sport.

M-1, Vadim Finkelstein and others of the same school of management need to leave MMA well alone if the sport is ever to grow and be respected universally. This is by no means a dying sport like boxing, however it is certainly increasingly restrained by unscrupulous people trying to take advantage of sportsmen to make a quick buck and further purely selfish ambitions.

Ode to the Journeyman

Mr Brendan Rowe's:

Ode to the Journeyman

The nature of the elite maintains that only a very small percentage of men and women will inhabit the upper echelon. This fact holds true for everyday life as well as sports; in combat sports, it is also a painfully obvious fact. Most boxing-related casualties stem from six-round slug-fests between two journeymen. Journeymen, of course, make up the gristle of competitors in MMA. They are the men we never talk about unless they, through hard work, determination, and luck, beat all odds and amaze us with a reckless display of ability. They tend to win against long odds in such spectacular fashion it almost seems like a rigged match. Why else couldn't they have won sooner and saved themselves from the medical bills? Is it talent or sheer dumb luck? Why don't they break off into the levels of elitism themselves? Why do I keep asking rhetorical questions?

MMA needs its journeymen just as much as society needs its heavy laborers and grocery baggers. Journeymen may find fame eluding them, but they gain note through the rare times that they actually beat somebody. Some journeymen are only mentioned and remembered because they provided that one embarrassing loss on another fighter's spotless record. In this court, journeyman is king.

Randy Couture is lord and master of the journeymen. I expect that many of you, upon reading this, are asking exactly what the hell I'm talking about, but just think about his record. Couture is a mixed bag of wins and losses who is remembered for coming out against long odds and standing his ground against men who are supposed to roll right over him. It isn't his talent that wins him fights and has made him a five-time champion; it’s the grit and determination of a journeyman. Couture, like most journeymen, is consistently at a disadvantage against his opponents (on paper), but always finds a way to win, if not be embarrassed. An opponent of The Natural, Gabriel Gonzaga, is only remembered for his head kick knock-out of Mirko Cro Cop and the ensuing title shot. He has no large fan base or claim to fame otherwise, and falls under the opposite spectrum of the journeyman: the one-shot.

The one-shot journeyman tends to fight his heart out one his way to a title shot, in which he is inevitably and inexplicably defeated. Nearly everybody that Anderson Silva has fought in recent history is one-shot journeyman. Of the last four title defenses, two men are no longer in the UFC (Thales Leites and Patrick Cote), one is fighting one of the Ultimate Fighter winners that we don't care about, and the other is mistaken for some Hispanic guy. However, Anderson Silva has been victimized by the journeyman. Flash back to 2003. Anderson Silva is fighting Daiju Takase, a nobody with a 9-13 record who is only notable through the fact that he once submitted Anderson Silva with a triangle choke, effectively ending the Spider's nine fight winning streak. Otherwise, Takase is a hack. Jump forward to 2004, and Silva is fighting another heavy underdog in Ryo Chonan. Silva smacks Chonan down for nearly seventeen minutes (note: PRIDE FC rounds were ten minutes, five minutes, and five minutes. Sadistic, eh?). Finally, Chonan leaps into a flying scissor takedown and transitions into a heel hook. Silva taps and cries like Forrest Griffin.

What did Anderson Silva learn from his humiliating submission losses? He learned to never keep a man backed into a corner for too long, and he learned to FEAR the submission specialist. Feel free to talk jive about his poor performances against Demian Maia and Thales Leites, but know that those performances stem from the fact that he lost to men who weren’t as recognized as these two. If he hadn’t lost by submission in his past, he might not still be the champion.

Cung Le was a very celebrated Sanshou fighter who held an undefeated record in Sanshou and kickboxing circles. As a mixed-martial artist, he was expected to cruise into an undefeated streak. He learned the hard way about backing a man into a corner for too long. Cung Le had built up a year and a half worth of ring rust pursuing an acting career before stepping back into a cage to regain his abandoned Strikeforce belt. His opponent was a gimme; Scott Smith, a former UFC contender known for taking a beating and somehow snatching come-from-behind victories. Cung Le, like Mirko Cro Cop before him, was expected to sail into an easy victory for a title shot. For twelve minutes, it looked like he would. However, his inability to finish a technically inferior fighter cost him his immaculate record and Cung Le is stopped by a desperate last-attempt flurry. Sure, Cung Le avenged that lost a few months later, but it was proven that he is not invincible. Fighting in the movies is all he does now.

If a fighter is told he is invincible for long enough, he starts to believe it. Fedor Emelianenko had gone from the 21st of May, 2000 to the 7th of November, 2009 with only one loss on his record, and this loss is contended and deserves an asterisk due to the illegality of the maneuver that caused it. Still, Emelianenko was considered by many to be a different breed, a chubby Russian juggernaut that steamrolled over every opponent set before him, regardless of size or odds. In steps Fabricio Werdum. Werdum had won several grappling competitions, including the ADCC, CBJJ, and PAC competitions several times, but was an underdog and had mediocre striking ability. Fedor had fought other jiu-jitsu masters and won in several decision victories (Big Nog twice, Ricardo Arona, Renato Sobral), and was expected to go into his tenth year without being defeated. Believing in his invincibility, he makes a rookie mistake and falls on/pursues Werdum to the ground. One minute and nine seconds into the fight, the juggernaut had been stopped by submission.

As the dust settles and the sun rises, as the blood is cleaned from the cage and the warriors retire to their beds, one man is left holding the torch. The journeyman remains a constant threat to other competitors. What he lacks in natural ability and talent he makes up for with piss and vinegar. The journeyman will take a fight against any odds, even against the elite. He might not always win, he might not put on a good show when he takes a whomping, but every so often, he writes his name in the pages of the sport’s history in spectacular fashion. We expect the Silva’s, the Emelianenko’s, and the Le’s to be great, so much so that their wins don’t impress us in the slightest. What are more impressive are the average men who, by the grace of god, find a way to stop these monsters. It may be the only fights they’re known for, but it sure as hell beats the anonymity of the mediocre.

Judging

The time is December 4th, we're all recovering from the UFC and Strikeforce going head-to-head whilst Matt Lindland, Scott Smith and Babalu are still regaining consciousness. There was something else that stood out from this weekend, however...

Allow Gregg Roach to transport you back to that time (because we were too ill to deliver this when it happened) and look at the truth behind this.


This past weekend, MMA fans were treated to a smorgasbord of bouts from the sport's top promotions UFC and Strikeforce. However, though Saturday night offered an unexpected series of knockouts from resilient underdog Strikeforce ("KO's for X-mas" anybody?), the UFC served up a trademark series of decisions that continued to show the organization's similarly trademark problem with incompetent judging. Namely, Team Jackson fighter Leonard Garcia, already the recipient of a questionable decision victory this year, got the nod over former TUF contestant Nam Phan in a bout Phan clearly dominated . The controversial decision sparked an assault against the UFC, with speculations of bribery and corruption. However, many people, including outspoken UFC commentator, Joe Rogan, downplayed the UFC's involvement, blaming the Athletic Commissions for hiring underqualified judges. But, with the UFC, and former sister company WEC, at the center of most of the judging muff-ups this year, is there not reason to believe that the promotion has some involvement in the supposed "judging epidemic?" A gratuitous glance around the Octagon says "YES!"

And, no, we are not referring to that psycho, Diego Sanchez (though we're sure he would agree with our conclusion). We're referring to the sumptuous smile and ample bosoms of UFC ring-card girl, Arianny Celeste. A quick survey of the UFC's recent judging fiascoes shows no constant judge as the culprit of the contentious calls (though there's a subtle correlation with Cecil Peoples). However, a consideration of other factors reveals one common denominator - Arianny Celeste. This ever-present beauty can be seen floating around the ring at every last one of the UFC's matches called under scrutiny. Machida/Shogun I - Arianny. Brilz/Nogueira - Arianny. Sherk/Dunham - Arianny. Rampage/Machida - Arianny. It is suspected that the past year's influx in faulty calls came in the wake of the UFC's decision to employ only two ring-card girls after UFC 107. This decision to cycle between two girls instead of three is believed to have increased the total amount of time Arianny's delectable body is exposed for all, including the judges, to see. This increased exposure, in turn, caused increased distraction of the judges and increased inattention to the actual fights, which lead to coin-flip calls. Similar to the UFC, the WEC's issues with judging were shown to involve the consistent presence of ring-card girl Brittney Palmer. However, Palmer's effect on questionable calls is smaller than Celeste's, likely because of the WEC's tendency to put on fast-paced, exciting fights that command spectators' undivided attention.

With the UFC's absorption of the WEC and acquisition of Palmer, there's bound to be an even higher influx of knee-jerk decisions. Our proposed solution- keep Chandella Powell as the sole ring-card girl of the Octagon. While statistical analyses revealed that Celeste and Palmer have significant effects on the presence of questionable calls, Powell was proven to have no effect on judges' calls - WHATSOEVER. Thus, with only Powell bumbling around the cage, judges will remain unfazed and fully focused on the fights. In addition, it may be important to note that ancillary analyses revealed that the presence of occasional ring-card girl, Rachelle Leah, showed a slight effect on questionable calls. We conclude that it is probably best if Leah continues to be used sparingly (and in NO WAY is joined with Palmer and Celeste. The projected effect will be too large to ensure competent judging, or attention to the matches at all).

So, is the UFC to blame for its cases of bad judging? In an indirect way, yes. While the UFC may not be at fault for appointing the judges, it is undeniably at fault for employing distractingly attractive women whose mere presence interferes with judges' abilities focus on fights (Maybe now Cecil Peoples can be viewed as less of a hater of leg-kicks, and more of a lover of fine women). We know many readers will find our solution drastic, or even unnecessary, but we must save the UFC, and MMA, from the excess of bad calls that is indisputably killing both. And so, it is time for our young sport to make the mature decision to do away with its lust of luscious breasts and buxom backsides, so we can continue our love of battle-hardened men pommeling one another in the spirit of unadulterated competition.

WEC 53 & THAT moment

We've all seen it, we've all seen it again. Most of us have shown it to our friends in an attempt to show them just how BADASS MMA is. Everyone involved in the sport has deliberated it for some time now, but nobody has asked the real question.

Until now...

Over to 'Big' Stu Furay.

Hollywood itself couldn't have scripted it better. In the very last minute of the very last round of the very last fight on the very last card of the WEC, Anthony 'Showtime' Pettis, in his fight against Champion Ben Henderson, lived up to his nickname in the most amazing style.

Its now known as the 'Matrix Kick', something straight from the movies. A move that will live forever in the memory of MMA fans around the world, be repeated on MMA highlight reels for the rest of history and handed down from generation to generation.

Move of the year, move of the decade or move of the century, call it what you like, it was a moment so stunning, so outrageous and so magical it will probably never be seen again.


So after all this there is only one thing left to be said;


F##k me Bendo, you didn't see that coming, did ya?

The Long Of It: UFC 124

UFC 124: you gave us a new found appreciation for the jab in MMA but left us cold when we realised that was all we were getting. If your opponent has NO DEPTH PERCEPTION you should probably get after him. Just a thought...

We'll leave our bloodlust aside and pass you over to the ever capable Mr Shayne Grier as he once more gives you the long of it.

UFC 124 after-MATH(s)

George “Rush” St. Pierre

Problem: Unable to finish his foes.


No doubt, the dude can fight and he knows how to win. Fact is he hasn't lost a round since the first Koscheck fight. I for one have been hating on GSP for several years now because of his “Wet Quilt” like approach to fights. But there is a factor we all seem to be forgetting, the men he battles don't get finished, not by him, not by anyone.

Let's take a quick look at his last five opponents leading up to their clash with the Canadian one. Josh “The Fraggle” Koscheck had not been finished since 2005 (15 fights) and no, I do not count the Paula Thiago early stoppage, because that is what it was, EARLY. Dan “Once Iron Jaw” Hardy had not been finished since 2005 (23 fights). Baby Jay “The Hawaiian Cowboy” Penn actually was finished by GSP, but in his entire career (24 fights) only one other man was able to finish him. Thiago “Overweight” Alves had not been finished since 2006 (11 fights). Which leads us into the last on our list, Jon “Wolverine” Fitch was only been finished once, yes, once, and that was in 2002 (26 fights). Don't blame the Canadian if every man that stands across the cage from him is auditioning for the role opposite of Samuel Jackson in Unbreakable 2.

Solution: Bring in a ringer


Most of these neanderthals crying about “Rush” not finishing his foes don't watch Japanese MMA. Actually I would dare to bet that this group of casual fans doesn't even know there are other promotions outside of UFC and Strikeforce. My solution is simple, bring in Kazushi Sakuraba, bill him as the legendary Gracie killer and former UFC Japanese Heavyweight tournament winner. I can already hear the Jabberwocky rising as we see George flatten Saka via reverse flying Superman punch four seconds into the fight. If this doesn't work, have Kenneth Allen (Look him up) come out of retirement and hype the fight as, “The comeback story of the millennium”.


Trash Talking

Problem: Fake Hype.


In the ring after GSP took him to Boxing 101 school Josh Koscheck said, and yes I am paraphrasing:

I just want you to know (Crowd) that I love this city. No hard feelings? I mean, truth is, everything I said and did on the show was to hype the fight. I don't hate this guy, look at him, I mean look at him, who could hate him? As a matter of fact, George is a respectful, hardworking, always improving, compassionate, funny, charismatic, overall perfect champion. I feel privileged just to have been able to share the same air as him for the taping of The Ultimate Fighter.

So, before their fight Josh says and does things that would make you think GSP was the boy in elementary school that took his lunch money everyday. Then immediately after he gets battered for five rounds he's hanging on his nuts harder than Scrat from Ice Age. The emotional turnabout was so epically appalling that I could barely even keep my midnight snack (Goat Cheese Nachos) from resurfacing. Before, I thought Koscheck was an ignorant loud mouth Cacafuego. Now, I know he's a phony arrogant double faced Microphallus.

Solution: Ambiguous Hype.


Nothing was better than knowing Ken Shamrock and Tito Ortiz truly hated each other. There was no, “It was all talk. We were just selling the fight”. They didn't hug each other, they didn't shake hands, they didn't even want to be in the same cage as one another unless they were smashing knuckles. Or so it seemed. Some rumors say it was fake (Why would Ken get so mad just because Tito flipped the Lions Den the bird?). Some rumors say it was real (I'd be mad for a decade too if that big headed “Huntington Beach Albino” threw up the middle man in my general direction).

Truth is, no one knows the truth. Why ruin a perfectly good heel vs face showdown by telling the world it was a work? Let our imagination believe it was real, let us for a second, live our lives vicariously through these grudge matches. If the fighters blatantly deny the “Kayfabe” after the fact, then all we are left with is two amazingly talented athletic warriors risking life and limb to entertain us, and that's just lame.


Frankie Edgar

Problem: He's Champion.


(See above)

Solution: Jim Miller.


(See above)


Final Pluses and Minuses of UFC 124

Plus: Josh's eye after “Jab Fest 2010” looking like the augmented lips of Angelina Jolie.
Minus: Joe “Daddy” not being able to regurgitate all that canvas he ate to feed his four kids.
Plus: Natal vs Bongfeldt majority draw. Not because the judges got it right, but because with this draw they are telling all the fans, “Yeah, we'll go there”.
Minus: For the idiot fans not picking the Sean Pierson vs Matt Riddle as the “Fight of the Night”.
Minus: “McLovin” not lovin' how his last three fights have turned out.
Plus: Santa Claus for not stopping the main event when he thought Rudolph was trapped inside JK's right eye and trying to escape.

Our pluses and minuses were as follows:

Plus: The excitement in watching Charles Oliveira bound towards the Octagon.
Minus: Jim Miller.
Plus: The abusive changes to Koscheck's Wiki page (apparently he's an 'American douchbag wrestler').
Minus: Where's our f***ing Wiki page?!
Plus: The spicy nuts.
Minus: The overwhelming level of cayenne pepper in Jimbo's failed 'Sloppy Joe Stevensons'.
Minus: Josh Koscheck's face.
Plus: Josh Koscheck's face afterwards...

As usual, feel free to educate us on where we went wrong. Though we should point out that we've never been wrong in our entire lives x

The Rear View mirror: UFC 124

Xmas is all about getting surprises, so when we asked GSP for a KO this year and got a jouyous 5 round beating instead, we weren't disappointed. Slightly less surprising was that oh-so-familiar feeling of watching the guy(s) we picked to win getting bashed/tapped/humiliated. Ah well, over to 'Big' Stu Furay for a cheeky once-over of Saturday's action.

UFC 124 Expert(?) Analysis

So the trash talking is over, the punches have been thrown and the arguments have been settled. So what are the major talking points from 124 and what have we learnt?

- If you talk trash, you have to be able to back it up. Sean Mccorkle: EPIC FAIL!

- Koscheck: not only are you a second rate trash talker (“Dude, you’re a male nurse!”) you can’t fight very well either. GSP didn’t even break into a sweat!

- Rafael Natal, go back to what you’re good at: playing Tennis.

- Our very own Jimbo Slice is still crying salty tears of despair after Jim Miller derailed the Charles Oliveira hype train. Here’s a quick tip, when someone is trying to knee bar you, don’t just lie there! Try and stop them!

- After living off rice, beans and lentils, how Mac Danzig even has the strength to lift his hands up, let alone generate enough power to knock someone out is beyond me.

- But the real story of 124 was not GSP's pure awesomeness, or Koscheck’s hideous eye, but the amount of Gingers on display! Mark Bocek (Super Ginge), Pat Audinwood (Strawberry blonde?), Jim Miller (Ginger beard) and Matt Riddle (Ron Weasley stunt double?) all fought. Speaking of Ron Weasley, I watched the new Harry Potter film the other day, it’s a bit unrealistic if you ask me, I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?


We've learnt never to get our hopes up for another fighter ever again :( That and when you're screaming 'slay the man-giraffe' at the TV at around 5am, something has gone horribly wrong with your life.

Horribly.

TPK's Revised Rules Of MMA - Part Two: Real World Rules Of MMA

One of these days we'll be made World Governing Body of MMA, until that day comes we'll continue to share with your our overflowing wells of knowledge and our vision of a brighter future. A future where all men must compete in cages made of sharks teeth, with gloves made of razor wire and under the supervision of robotic judges and a Judge Dredd like referee who, rather than stand-up the fighters, cuts their heads clean off with a 6 foot samurai sword. NO MERCY FOR THE BLANKETING WRESTLER!

Anyway, we'll leave you in the slightly more merciful hands of Mr Harry Borovick:



The 10 Real-World Rules of MMA

1. Saying a bad word against GSP in Canada is punishable by water-boarding (under the supervision of Jean-Charles Skarbowsky).

2. If you think Koscheck is funny, you're no older than 6.

3. You can be perceived as practically invincible for years, despite looking like the Michelin Man (I'm looking at you Fedor), but inevitably someone always ends up beating up the fat kid.

4. Judging accuracy is based on how long the judges aren't on their phones checking their Ebay bids.

5. Bruce Buffer will never be out of a job. If he isn't around to shout it, people will forget which sport they've paid to watch.

6. Being a massive douchebag to fans and other fighters will guarantee you a job in fight sports. FACT: everyone loves to see a loudmouth get hit.

7. Alistair Overeem can kick you so hard he will force your liver to shut down. Nothing to do with "advanced supplements", obviously.

8. Lesnar's beard does the impossible. It makes a man who already looked like a mass murdering version of the Hulk, look more intimidating. Now he looks like a viking Godzilla murderer. (Note: Increased facial hair does not increase ability to defend against Mexicans.)

9. Karo Parisyan is a badass. It doesn't matter if he loses. The man fights with a hole in his leg. That's as close as we're going to get to seeing disabled vs able bodied fighting sports.

10. Rob Broughton. Nothing more need be said.


Whilst we tend to agree with the above, number 10 being particularly poignant, we're fairly certain we've seen a 'man' with no limbs get a tasty BEASTING. Also, see the blog later this week for an alternative take on number 4...

TUF 12: A Mini Bloguette

Following the fallout from the explosive Ultimate Fighter Season 12 finale, our very own Troy Nelson looks at the legacy of everyone's favourite reality TV show.

What can you say about The Ultimate Fighter? Widely regarded as the zeitgeist capturing TV event that changed public perception towards the sport we love from 'No Holds Barred' fighting, to actually understanding the unbelievable levels of commitment (or not, in the case of that fat fuck Southworth) required to make it as a professional mixed martial artist.

Fast forward to present day, Season Twelve - Team GSP vs Team Koscheck reached a scintillating climax with Jonathan 'Merman' Brookins edging a decision over 'Not That' Michael Johnson. With his unstoppable takedowns, 'The Merman' joins other elite Ultimate Fighter winners such as Court McGee, Efrain Escudero, James Wilks and the world's toughest vegan Mac Danzig.

Now a lot of MMA commentators, in both print and online, have suggested that maybe the format has gotten a little stale. Hmmmm... I'm more likely inclined to blame the very mediocre fighters dutifully trotted out every few months for their shot at the 'bigtime' that we're supposed to get behind. Bruce Leeroy? He's not exactly Chris 'The Pisshead' Leben in terms of charisma or eccentricity is he?

In recent times, the only fighters who have actually looked 'world class' have been Roy Nelson (who already had a proven track record), Ryan Bader *shudders* and Ross Pearson (at a push). The last season that actually had compelling new combatants was Season Three. In 2006.

The Knockout Barometer

Knockouts are fun, but what are they worth? Where does a particular knockout register in the grand scheme of things? Mr Brendan Rowe helps us to gauge the impact of a knockout with the Knockout-O-Meter.


The DEFINITIVE Knockout Barometer
Or, the Knockout-O-Meter

We're all honest enough to admit that the only reason we watch MMA is to see somebody get their shit wrecked. If we wanted to see technique, we'd watch collegiate wrestling, Olympic Tae Kwon Do, or the Grappler's Quest tournament. However, in no way do these mediums sate our blood lust: we want to see Jon Jones implode another deaf guy's face, or Rampage drive another Brazilian ten feet into concrete. This is because most of us are nothing but a bunch of cowardly spectators, really. But, there are some that actually train for competition, and to those few, I salute you. With that, here is a barometer to compare your striking ability to.

If you can knock out Andrei Arlovski... then you've got pillow hands. Jake Shields could knock out Arlovski. Aron Ralston could knock out Arlovski, and only with his nub. If this is the best you can do, maybe stick to ground and pound.

If you can knock out Todd Duffee... then you are one lucky sumbitch. Seriously. I sure do hope the concussions and the likeness to Homer Simpson are worth it. If you can knock out Duffee, consider working on accuracy and not getting punched in the face so often.

If you can knock out Stefan Struve... then you've got some seriously long arms. How do you even manage to walk, being so disproportional? The guy is over ten feet tall! If you can knock out Struve, you're somewhat decent, but consider using that 100 inch wingspan of yours to knuckle walk into the cage. You'll scare all the other males, at least.

If you can knock out Keith Jardine... then you're clearly a bomber, although your long-term success may be questioned. Of the few people that have managed to put Jardine in dreamland, only half of them have remained relevant. One lost to Kimbo, the other is forgotten for more likeable Silvas, namely Anderson and Wanderlei.

If you can knock out “Rampage” Jackson... then you must have had titanium implants in your kneecaps. How else could you manage to stop the two-time slayer of the Iceman? Outside of lay and pray, that is.

If you can knock out Antonio Rrrrodrigo Noguiera... then you are either the bane of Brock Lesnar, or his punching bag. Hitting this hard not only means you're more accurate than Fedor, but also that you have more freakish power than Bob Sapp. Rejoice, you're truly a freak of nature.

If you can knock out Kazuyuki Fujita... then you must obviously take steroids. Fujita's body had to develop to accommodate his thirty five pound head, leading to no neck and a physique that screams “NEANDERTHAL!” Fujita's skull is thick enough to survive a nuclear blast, which has caused Japanese scientists to develop fallout shelters synthesized from his bone structure. Knocking him out deserves the Overeem Award for Mindless Violence.

The New Obsession

Dana White has something on his mind, or so Mr Sean Peconi says...


Obsession: The domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

Fedor.

The name resonates in the head of every MMA fan around the world. “The Last Emperor”, a fighter with such an aura and fan base that he will be remembered forever in the legacy of MMA.

A man that for a time became the self proclaimed “Obsession” of Dana White.

Dana White had an idea; a UFC with Fedor on the roster. An image that Fedor would lead the pack in the heavyweight division for years to come. A desire that he would be so dominant in the division that once Brock Lesnar cleaned it out, he would need someone to take on his newly popularized 'Goliath' and send him to the slaughter.

But Fedor said no.

Cue Dana White rants about difficult negotiations, Russian buffets and the Mafia.

Fast forward to October 23, 2010.

A heavy underdog, Cain Velasquez enters the ring with the giant, staring him down in the epic David versus Goliath match it was hyped to be.

David wins, Goliath goes hunting.

Cue Dana White stink face, the guy just can't win.

On the other side of the world, Alistair Overeem is a heavy favorite to win the K1 Championships in Japan on December 11th of this year. Apparently Dana White doesn't care. Put Overeem on your top ten pound for pound list? Dana doesn't care about that either. But let's look at the history here; Fedor said no, and that's when Dana really put the heat on him. “He doesn't want to fight the best”.

The same is happening with Alistair Overeem. It's no secret that Overeem has only a few more fights on his Strikeforce contract and by the looks of things, Dana is on track to bring him in. Dana loves to tell us that people need to be “Fight fans”, that we need to respect the sport on an unparallelled level and that it will take MMA fans to the pinnacle of sport fandom. Why is it then that he openly criticizes Overeem for doing K1? Why would he not have him in the top ten pound for pound rankings in MMA?

If Alistair Overeem wins the K1 Grand Prix in December there will be no doubt as to him being the best striker in the world, not even Dana White can dispute that. Put in a successful title defense against the next challenger to his Strikeforce belt, and Overeem could be the one Dana White dreams about at night very soon.

So if past behavior is any indication of what is to come in the future (Thanks Dr.Phil) why even discuss Alistair Overeem at all? Why go through the same punishment, agony and possible defeat with him that was done when negotiations with Fedor were the hot topic in MMA?

Because Dana White has an obsession. An idea that the undefeated Overeem in Strikeforce will lead the pack in the UFC heavyweight division. An image of the current UFC heavyweight champion going against one of the most skilled K1 competitors in the current day. And finally, a desire to make the UFC Heavyweight champion and Alistair Overeem the super fight that Brock Lesnar versus Fedor Emelianenko was supposed to be.

The Long Of It: UFC 123

We watched it, re-watched it, mocked it, argued over it and watched it again. Enough time has passed for us to digest what happened at UFC 123, but not enough to fully digest our 'Hughes' Hunter Pie'. Much of that still lingers...

Enough about our troubling bowel movements, we'll leave you in the capable hands of Mr Shayne Grier as he gives you the long of it.

UFC 123 after-MATH(s)


Lyoto Machida

Problem: Machida's style.


Yes, it is elusive, smart, and strategic. However, eighty-five percent of the time it's about as fun to watch as a pickle rolling down a grassy knoll. Every other fighter has figured out the pattern that is, "The Chida". Side-step, side-step, faint a jab, stutter step, flying knee/punch combo, rinse and repeat. Anyone with half the patience of a Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen will be able to implement a game plan to get the decision victory.

Solution: Make him fight in an Octagon with a 12 ft diameter instead of a 30 ft one.


This way, he will be so conditioned to fighting in a smaller space that as soon as he takes two to three of those Karate back steps, he will think his back is against the cage. He will then clinch and attempt one of his trademark Karate/Sumo throws. Not only will this confuse and disorient his opponent it will make for an instant classic within the first ten seconds of every fight. The most dangerous fighters are the ones with their backs against the cage. Just ask Kimbo Slice; Oh, wait, maybe that isn't the best example.


B.J. Penn

Problem: Baby Jay's road back to Georgie Porgie.


Can B.J. Penn beat most Welterweights? Absolutely. Can he beat George St. Pierre? Never. Don't get me wrong, Mr. Penn is one of the best fighters in the history of the sport, I just don't see how, even on his best day he could stop the takedowns of the handsome Canadian Snuggie. I would love nothing more than for Penn to destroy a few of the Welterweights the UFC puts in front of him. Once he gets that shot we can only hope G.S.P. has suffered another "Serra" and isn't the opponent the Baby has to Hula dance for the title.

Solution: Surgically amputate his left leg below the knee.


Being twenty pounds lighter, Penn could make the drop to the UFC's newly forged Bantamweight division and wreak some havoc. Even with only his right leg B.J. would dominate the lollipop kids of that division. We all know how amazing he is at hopping around on one leg to defend take-downs, this solution would just cut out the middle man.


Judging

Problem: Um, the Judges


50% of people say it is spot on 100% of the time and the other 50% say it is way less than that. After studying the judges criteria for judging a fight there is no wonder to the reasons why judges see fights differently. Sure there are four main categories in the judging of a fight; clean strikes, effective grappling, octagon control, and effective aggressiveness. Seems simple enough except for the fact that within those categories there are TWENTY sub categories the judges are to be watching for during the fight. Seems pretty convoluted to me. Add that to the fact that 50% of the judges don't even know what the word convoluted means (SEE: Cecil Peoples), how can we blame them? We should blame the criteria for its Matrix like storyline.

Solution: Referees judge bouts


Have two referees who are not officiating the bout judge it from the ring apron on opposite sides of the cage and the final judge is the referee inside the cage. There should be no other group of individuals who are better suited to see who has actually won the fight. Most referees train, or have trained, in some form of mixed martial arts and are completely aware of all aspects of the fight game. How many sanctioned MMA judges can say that? Yes, I'm looking at you Nelson Hamilton! If this brilliant idea fails then we just abolish all judges, go old school on this Mofo, and have them fight like they're on the middle school playground; Fight until one opponent says 'uncle' or has to go home for dinner.


Final Pluses and Minuses of UFC 123

Plus: Watching Matt Hughes (Once again) ask, "What happened"?
Minus: Falcão's third round audition for the next season of "The Amazing Race".
Plus: Phil Davis inventing "The Mr. Wonderful" submission and crushing Tim Boetsch's arm with it.
Minus: Joe Lauzon's ears not being big enough to save him from the Sotiropoulos kimura.
Plus: Call of Duty: Black Ops being the official sponsor because I am always happy to have a few more noobs to blow up with my RC-XD.
Minus: The time keeper of the Harris vs Falcão fight needing a new monocle for reading seven seconds left as zero.


Our pluses and minuses were as follows:

Plus: Tom Lawlor was undefeated for this entire event.
Minus: So was Josh Koscheck.
Plus: Manly venison in a pie.
Minus: Manly stomach pains.
Plus: It was one of the best overall British performances for a card this year.
Minus: It was one of the best overall British performances for a card this year.
Plus: Hahahaha, Nik Lentz.
Minus: Machida Karate :(

Have we missed anything about 123? Feel free to tell us. We know you want to...

The Rear View Mirror: UFC 123

ABC, we're told, is as easy as 123. But what do we actually know about 123? 'Big' Stu Furay asks the question...

So UFC 123 is consigned to the history books, and what have we learned?

1. Mike Lullo will need a new leg after Edson Barboza practically kicked it clean off. Someone give him Heather Mills' number.

B. Good friends CAN fight each other. Swick, Bones and Fitch take note. Great work Munoz and Simpson.

3. NEVER leave it to the Judges. They clearly get distracted by Arianny being at ringside, and completely forget they are there to score fights. Griffin and Machida take note.

D. Anyone who invents a new submission during a fight, then names it after themself is BADASS!! Mr Wonderful, take a bow. Although I’m not looking forward to The Kockcheck, or The BJ.

5. BJ Penn is BACK!! If anyone knows where he went during the Edgar fights, then answers on a postcard please.

F. And finally, Rampage may be BA, but he’s no longer Badass. Although I think Machida probably let out a little bit of wee when he almost got slammed on his head, a la Ricardo Arona.

In a similar fashion, though without mixing our ABCs and 123s, here's what we gleaned from Saturday night:

1. Although drinking your own piss might make you appear enigmatic, it doesn't actually improve your fighting skills. Inversely, it doesn't make them any worse either.

2. Karo Parisyan is actually mental.

3. BJ Penn has been royally Fitched up!
Shit, we meant F****ed! Bye Bye website.

4. We don't think Paul Kelly deserves a title shot, it's beneath him. Just give him the belt already. He's the Daley Thompson of MMA!


Oh, and that eating red meat at 4 am is a bad idea. More on that later...

The Phantom Knee Official Pound For Pound Rankings

Sadly TPK's campaign for 'Miketober' went largely unnoticed, so this incarnation of the DEFINITIVE pound for pound list takes a look back at the month you misguided people called 'Brocktober'...

10. Roy 'Big Guntry' Nelson
It's amazing what a difference a month can make - in September, Big Roy was rehabbing an injury, prepping for his biggest challenge yet in Shane 'The Gastank' Carwin. Fast forward to November, and Roy Nelson has been embroiled in a casual racism row, he's made bad jokes about Carwin's injury, been booted off the UFC 125 card with no future opponent set, and he's started talking about himself in the third person. "Roy Nelson is the victim of a conspiracy!" said Roy Nelson yesterday.

9. Dan Hardy and John Hathaway
Nothing happened at UFC 120. NOTHING. We were there, so we know best.

8. Diego Sanchez
YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

That slam. You know the one.

YES!

7. Mark 'The Undertaker' Callaway
He's from Death Valley (he's not), he weighs 328lbs (he doesn't), standing 6ft 10" tall (he's not) - could this man be Brock Lesnar's gravest challenge yet? No, he won't be because he's in his late forties and a professional wrestler. The chances of them settling their differences in a UFC cage or a WWE ring are about as likely as Josh Koscheck ever making an appearance in this listing. Why is The Undertaker included here at all? Because about 20 years ago, he used to scare the piss outta me!

6. Nate Marquardt
Never let the fact that your opponent isn't defending himself stop you from unleashing the BEAST. Undeterred by Palhares' girly protests, Nate dug deep to punch his defenceless opponent in the face.

Over and over and over and over.

5. Rob 'The Bear' Broughton
In our humble and entirely unbiased opinions, it's only a matter of time before 'The Bear' claims what is rightfully his: the UFC Heavyweight title. We were bowled over by his sporting decision to gift the first round to an 8"3 Brazilian monster by allowing him 100 uncontested punches to the face. The physique of Fedor and the game-plan of Homer Simpson, there's no stopping this trim youngster.

Oh, he's British? We had no idea...

4. Cheick Kongo
Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short.

3. Michael 'The Count' Bisping
Anyone in doubt of the UK superstar's meteoric rise to Middleweight title contention needs to watch his bout at UFC 120. Displaying his greatly improved striking credentials to devastating effect, including a 'Spirit of Fair Play' award-winning shot to Sexyama's groin. We actually ingest ourselves every time we watch it. Bravo Michael, bravo!

2. J*** F***h
A* e***r, M* F***h h*s m*****d t* w*****e h*s w*y i**o t*e n****r t*o p******n. M***e o*e d*y h*'*l w*****e h*s w*y i**o o*r h****s...


It's unlikely.

1. Tom 'Title Shot' Lawlor
The unbeaten streak that stretches back to May now includes a win! Apparently at the cost of some real effort at the weigh-ins. We loved his Art Jimmerson, truly we did, we just found the costume lacking. On the plus side, he resisted the urge to paint himself brown...good call.



Looking back at this, anyone would think the Brits were on top in 'Brocktober'. Either that or the people writing the list were British...