Our resident couch potato Troy Nelson went to a preview screening of the Expendables - here's what he thought...
A film review? On The Phantom Knee? What? Seriously?
Well, it's got Randy 'Captain America' Couture in it. We made the call to our main man Cecil Peoples to come along and enjoy the show. And we're off!
Boasting the best action movie cast ever (John Rambo, Det. John Kimble, John McClane, Randy The Ram, Stone Cold, The Scorpion King, Ivan Drago and the dudes from Crank and Lethal Weapon 4) - the main worry was that the gravitas of the cast would overshadow the action. By the time the first head exploded, we forgot what we were worrying about. This is gonna be great.
If you're a bit funny about blood and gore, firstly, you're a pussy! Secondly, why are you an MMA fan anyway? Thirdly, you're a pussy! Having said that, despite considering ourselves pretty damn hardcore, the sight of Captain America Couture in a leather cap very nearly made us puke in our popcorn. No excuses, it was practically obscene!
So, lots has been made from the Arnie and Hudson Hawk cameos, they weren't great - what really impressed us was the dual Nogueira cameos. Far be it from us to cause a sibling rivalry, but Minotauro again outstripped his little brother with a brave, yet challenging performance as henchman #1. It definately puts Keith Jardine's Crank 2: High Voltage appearance into perspective - that's for sure!
The action is fast paced (just like Rourke's tattooing skills) and the plot is deliciously simple. Stealing the show, regardless of screen time, is third dan karate black belt (!) Dolph Lundgren - this guy does sketchy scary like no other. Even Couture gets a bit of face time, and talks about his pet mouse.
Stallone must have listened to confirmed MMA fan Statham, as, and this isn't much of a spoiler when you consider the title of the actual movie, Couture's early death in the movie is one of the few moments of true drama in the whole film. In fact, his overblown exit is second only to Sly's passing at the film's climax.
Initially, we were somewhat disappointed that JCVD and Anderson Silva's mate Seagal weren't a part of the production, but you know what - they wouldn't have added anything to a film already bloated with star quality.
All in, if you like explosions, cliches, and fast paced hand-to-hand combat, then you'll be rubbing your hands with glee like Dana White when he first saw the PPV buys for Lesnar's first fight. If you don't like these things, then you're clearly a pussy. Pussy!
Nelson
Action 30 - Story 29 - Overall 30
Peoples
Action 26 - Story 30 - Overall 27
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