UFC 126: An Epic Tale

UFC 126
by Shayne Grier


Anderson Silva vs Vitor Belfort (Middleweight Title Fight)

The build up was intense for this showdown. It started with the pre-fight interviews, to the speculation that an elite striker would have the best chance to fumigate “The Spider”, and the hype peaked during the weigh-ins when Silva molested Vitor's face with his face (Wearing a mask nonetheless) and started spitting out, heated, vulgar (Maybe) Brazilian Jabberwocky until Dana White was forced to intervene.

The wait was over and the fight began, then for the next two minutes the fans were treated to a staring competition for the ages. The entire MMA community let out a collective sigh, the crowd started to boo, and everyone watching thought, “Here we go again”.

Anderson throws a kick...
More staring...
A short glancing stare...
Vitor throws some lighting fast punches grazing Anderson...
Anderson throws a fake stare...
Then finally get up close and personal with a few punches and kicks...
Vitor secures a quick takedown...
(I'm sure there is a non-visual stare in this exchange somewhere)...
Vitor tries to land a few ground and pound shots but misses...
Anderson scrambles to his feet and ends the exchange with a knee to Vitor's dome...
More staring...
A three second knee staring competition ensues...
More eye staring...
(Elapsed time: WHO CARES!!! FIGHT ALREADY!!)...
More staring...

Then from a screaming angry drunks mouth somewhere deep in the bayou, we faintly here, “Do something you chocolate covered grass hopper eating pansies!” and then, Anderson Silva does. In the time it would take for a normal human to blink, Anderson's foot left the mat and punted Belfort straight in the jaw with a kick straight out of Tekken 3. Vitor's legs gave out as he crumpled to the canvas, Silva stayed calmed, kept his focus, and landed two more punches to the downed “Phenom” before Mario Yamasaki halted the bout. One of the most amazing and brutal kicks in the history of MMA ended the night for Vitor and left us all wondering who might be able to end the champs reign.


Problem: Anderson Silva Is Unbreakable

Anderson hasn't lost a fight since Rumble on the Rock in 2006 when he knocked out Okami with an “Illegal kick”. But come on, Silva was clearly kicking at Okami's chest when he leans into it with his face. A DQ in that situation is ridiculous for two reasons:

1-It should have been ruled a NO CONTEST since it doesn't appear it was intentional.
2-If you can knock someone out with a kick when you are on your back in guard, then not only should it be a legal strike, the fighter that threw the strike should get a “Golden Retriever” as a KO bonus.

Silva is riding a 14 fight win streak (9 KO's, 3 Subs) and always seems to be on the kill screen level while his opponents still have their hand in their pocket searching for a quarter to start the game with.


Solution: Time Travel

Anderson Silva needs to put an ad on Craigslist stating:

Dr. Emmett Brown needed for immediate space time continuum job opportunity.

He needs to then travel 6 months into the past and fight himself. The world would be treated to an epic battle the likes of which we have only seen in Superman 3, thus changing the face of our sport for years and years to come. Or, it might just end up being a 25 minute Eddy Gordo Dance Dance Revolution clinic. In the end, at least we would see Silva or Silva lose, but I guess in the end, he still keeps his belt and reign. Bullocks to you time travel, Seth Bullocks you to hell!


Forrest Griffin vs Rich Franklin (Light Heavyweight Superfight?)

Former Middleweight Champion Rich Franklin vs Former Light Heavyweight Champion Forrest Griffin was slated to be a UFC Superfight. And, well, sadly it was. Flashback to Dan Severn vs Ken Shamrock at UFC 9 or Royce Gracie vs Ken Shamrock at UFC 5. All of these contests seemed miraculous and exciting on paper, but when all was said and done we were left feeling like Roy Stalin at the end of the classic comedy starring John Cusack, Better of Dead.

If you really care to know, Griffin wins via fairly boring and uneventful encounter. At no point in the contest did either fighter gain more than a minor advantage. It was a see saw struggle fest between two kids who weighed exactly the same, and neither wanted to use his feet to push off the ground for fear the other might jump off and the one left on the saw might get KTFO'd.


Problem: Both men are destined to be gatekeepers

With Rua, Jones, Machida, Rampage, Lil Nog, and Anderson Silva (When he feels like a low to moderate challenge) nestled atop the Light Heavyweight ladder, there is just no way either touch the gold again. It is a little bit depressing too because both Griffin and Franklin are humble, talented, hardworking, smart and respectful fighters. It is just too bad this isn't a high school popularity contest, it's the UFC.

Solution: Reinstate the Superfight belt

That's right, I said it. Make a new/old belt class, add Griffin and Franklin to the pool of former Superfight Championship participants. I mean come on, look at the depth in this class: Oleg Taktarov, Ken Shamrock, Dan Severn, Kimo Leopoldo, Tsuyoshi Kohsaka, Royce Gracie, Don Frye, Mark Coleman, Randy Couture, Vitor Belfort, Joe Charles, Hugo Duarte, and Tank Abbott. And you thought Light Heavyweight was a stacked division. Boo-YEAH!


Jon Jones vs Ryan Bader (Post-fight #1 Contender Bout)

The battle of two undefeated fighters, although the UFC couldn't bill it as such because of Jones's DQ lose to Hamill.

Let me digress for a minute:

What a farce of a rule; A fighter can elbow you with side of joint, but not the point? A 9 to 6 strike isn't legal, but a 3 to 12 is? I'm confused. Then shouldn't a hook be illegal too? It technically comes from the 9 to 6 position; If the clock is horizontal and turned around then that is a 9 to 6 strike too!

Oh, it is because I don't have elbow pads on to protect the other fighters precious “Fabio-esque” good looks”? Give me a break. They signed up for the same fight as I did. Learn to elbow strike, or at least defend it you moron.

What about knee strikes? It's the point of joint and they usually go from 6 to 12 if the clock (We are assuming is there) is upright. That sounds way more dangerous than a “9 to 6 elbow strike”. It must be because the fighters are laying down on the ground and not standing up. Because we all know when fighters are on the ground is when the most brutal and nasty strikes occur.

Listen, I'm not fighter, but Randy Couture endorses this statement 100 percent. So if you don't like it. Talk to him.

End of digress. I thank you for waiting:

We all knew it was however a fight of two undefeated LH studs, and that is what made this a fight a true fans dreamy delight.

Jones took it to Ryan early and looked close to submitting him barely a minute and a half into the first round with a variation of the “Mr. Wonderful” choke. In the second round Jones mixed it up with his reach, using punches and kicks to make the undefeated Ultimate Fighter winner look like a fish out of water. Then with just forty seconds left in the second round he took that fish threw him on the banks of the river and sucked the air right out of his gills with a modified guillotine choke. Sadly, Bader never even looked remotely in this fight.


Problem: Jon “Bones” Jones as yet to be tested.

Sure he has fought some good fighters, but he has made EVERY one of them look as if they belong on the Strikeforce roster. He fights smart, hard, unorthodox, and is in a league of his own when it comes to unpredictability (Except for those elbows. We know those lethal bows are coming every fight, it's just no one can stop them).


Solution: Mauricio “Shogun” Rua

After the fight Joe Rogan dropped the bomb on Jones offering him Rashad's title fight spot against Shogun Rua in six weeks. Finally after 13 fights we get to see Jones fight someone who will actually make it a fight, for at least for one round.



UFC 126 Awards:

The UFC Inaguration Curse:

Winner: Kid Yamamoto – The “Kid” is added to the list of UFC debutantes that just don't live up to what they can do; Like Mark Hunt, Takanori Gomi, Shogun Rua, Carlos Condit, and Heath Herring. If no one has ever seen the 4 second knee KO Yamamoto pulled off, well, I'd say Google it, but that is over played, and um, just Yahoo it. We all know Yahoo would do good with some search love right about now.


The Rosetta Stone Award:

Winner: Anderson Silva – For fighting in the UFC since June of 2006 and still only being able to say, “Thank you” and “I'm Sorry” as part of his English arsenal. Dude, this is why people think you are cocky and arrogant. If Cain Velasquez can learn English, so can you.


The First Knee Is Always The Sweetest Award:

Winner: Kyle Kingsbury – For it only taking one knee to the body of Ricardo Romero's to make his insides want be on the outsides, of the Octagon. Sure, it took a few more knees and punches to have the referee step in to stop the fight, but Romero was done as soon as he felt the wrath of that first knee.


The Above The Law Award:

Winner: Steven Seagal – For telling the world in several post fight interviews that he invented the kick that Silva used to KO Vitor. It was a front snap kick to the face. My nine year old son Jackson learned and perfected that kick last year when he was a green belt in Tae Kwon Do.

You are a Big Shot Seagal. Can I call you BS? Good times; Thank you! Listen BS, we all know you are a Major in the Army of Douche, but please, tell the world the truth. Please recant your lies and tell them the real creator of this move. You know the man, the myth, the legend, the creator of all that is MMA; And dare I say it, the world. No, not God. Someone more creative, more stylish, more You look up to him, you call him daddy when you sleep, and he made YOU, who you are. So, for the love of Jebus, give him his due...

Master Le KaullingUoutA told us in an exclusive interview, that your teacher, your master, your guide, Al Gore invented that kick the day he invented the internet. I'm super serial, he totally deserves the recognition, and us here at the Phantom Knee will not stand with you and your cowardice. I mean really, be man and tell the truth about Gore. What else has he got? The earth saving thing? No. We all know that isn't going anywhere.

AWARD POST SCRIPT: I had to bring this to the worlds attention...Four of Steven Seagal's movies have the word “Justice” in the title. Can someone please give this guy a thesaurus and teach him and his producers some new words? How about...

Out for Reasonableness

Or

Mercenary for Compensation

Or

Urban Amends

Or

True Evenness

Who cares really, but I thought is was just another reason to prove to the world that SS is a BS MF'img CF AH! Sorry, but this dude is a B-Licken-Liar!


The Bizarro Award:

Winner: Miguel Torres – For abandoning his aggressive ways en route to his decision win over Antonio Banuelos. Sure your aggression got you two loses in a row, sure your pride and ego were bruised, sure you got the win in this but this “play it safe” style is not how you gained your fan base. This fight was setup to be an all out fantastical war of two aggressive fighters, instead it was almost as big of a let down as Houston Alexander vs Kimbo Slice.


The Homie I Know You Will Not Remember All This But Give It A Shot Because I Don't Really Even Understand What In The World You Are Actually Saying Once You Translate What I Have Said Anyway/Coat Tail Rider Award:

Winner: Ed Soares – For listening to Anderson answer Joe's first post-fight question for a whopping minute and fifteen seconds, then acting as if he really could recall translate all of that properly. I just feel dirty every time Ed translates for Anderson because we all know Soares is just saying what he wants us to hear, and not actually what Silva has said. He is the Don King of Brazilian fight managers.


The A-Hole Award Goes To Joe Rogan:

Winner: Joe Rogan – For Making Vitor watch the KO!


The Tainty Dunce Award:

Winner: Paul Kelly – For barely touching gloves with Donald Cerrone before throwing a hard punch that barely missed. Turnabout is fair play, Paul Kelly gets submitted in the second round by rear naked choke. Oh, and Kelly, good thing “The Cowboy” showed you more respect than you should him by letting go of the choke as soon as he felt you tap.


The Rick Roll Award:

Winner: Dan Severn - For being awesome. You might ask, why you talking about Mr. Severn? He didn't fight at UFC 126. Correct, he did not. However, the reason is four-fold:

One: I already mentioned him and I can do what I want.

Two: He is the current Elite Heavyweight Title holder, former UFC Superfight title holder, and former two time UFC tournament winner, this guy is a BEAST (Pun intended) and his 52 years old. Um, older than Randy and Herschel.

Three: The UFC need not worry about Fedor or Overeem. I say, bring back the only true elite Heavyweight juggernaut and let him show the chumps of UFC Heavyweight division how a real man throws down, old school style.