UFC 129: Hematoma

We've seen enough of Mark Homick's head to last us a lifetime, so we're passing you over to Mr Shayne Newton Grier.

George St. Pierre vs Jake Shields (Welterweight Title Fight)

As this fight grew ever closer the UFC tried tirelessly to try and make the general fan base believe that Shields had some sort of chance to beat the champ. With MMA being such a fickle mistress, there is never a guarantee for any fighter to win. The one thing I knew with 100% certainty is that with both Shields and GSP being in love with smothering opponents on the ground, the fans were going to be treated to, "Some Serious Siamese Snuggie Smothering". The four S's, as the "Super Seagal" calls it. All trademarks are giving and received by Master S.S.

However, even guarantees have fine print, and this one reads: This guarantee is null and void if both fighters decided they can be more boring without the use of any Snugging!

GSP wins via another five round dominating snore fest. Shields never landed anything significant except for a nice stiff eye poke that destroyed Pierre's left eye. Supposedly this is the reason George couldn't finish off Jake. The true reason why he never finished him is because, of this...

Greg Jackson's Striking Strategy For GSP:

Soft jab

Soft jab

"Liddell-esque" Overhand right

Soft jab

Soft jab

"Koscheck-esque" Overhand right

Soft jab

Soft jab

Slightly harder jab

Soft jab

"Fedor-esque" Sloppy Overhand right

Where in the world were the hooks, the uppercuts, or even the undercuts? Or at least a good set-up for the horrible looking overhand rights he was throwing every 3rd or 4th punch. I can't even recall him throwing a hook or an uppercut. Really? I mean, really?

Problem: GSP Simply Dominates

Now, it's not that he dominates to finishes. No, no. That hasn't happened in a very long time. He just beats guys up in such a way that he wins every round and looks pretty untouchable doing it. This wouldn't be such a problem if he could finish the fight, but every fight ends with a fairly uneventful decision win for Mr. "Rush". Which makes for a very unmarketable fighter...

Solution: Bring On The Champ

The only fight that makes sense after another sleeper with GSP, is to have him fight a champ that only "Brings it!"

That's right, bring on Nick Diaz. Out of Nick Diaz's last 16 fights, only 3 have gone to decision and out of those, he has won 14 of them. To be fair if you look at the last 16 fights for GSP, he actually has a better or equal track record of finishing foes, but ever since he got pummeled by Serra, he always wants to play it safe.

The point I am making is: Diaz is the only man that will make GSP fight the fight we all know he can because for some reason, the men who fight GSP as of late can't get past his mystic of dominance.

Nick Diaz will cut the UFC champ's angles off with his FAR superior boxing, then, if GSP wants to go the ground (which he will not), he'll have to show he is not the color belt in BJJ that his trainers have given him.

Could Georgie beat Diaz? Sure. But only with the level of boring Snuggie action that we have come to expect from "The Fighter Formerly Known As Rush". Diaz would never, and I mean NEVER let him play that game. He would keep scrambling for submissions making it a very entertaining fight; while it lasts. Nick will make GSP work until he finally makes a mistake and then it's over.

Jose Aldo vs Mark Hominick (Featherweight Title Fight)

Jose Aldo or as the completely inept commentary team that the UFC has on their payroll calls him, JOE-SAY Aldo. I have been watching Aldo since he was first in the WEC and I have never heard anyone call him JOE-SAY. So, either is HO-ZAY has changed the pronunciation of his first name for his UFC debut, or (See: The Cheech and Chong Award at the end of the article).

I honestly thought that Aldo had this fight in the bag early in the fight, and then at the end of round one something changed the outcome of the entire fight.

(The Giant Horrible Disgusting Hematoma on top of Hominick's forehead)

Most would assume that a giant clotting of blood hijacking someone's forehead during the course of a title fight, whispering into their brain, "Dude we are having some serious issues here" would make THAT fighter say, "I'm out". Not Hominick! This dude is a fighter to the core of his existence. He kept fighting for FOUR more rounds with, as my homeboy T AND A said to me: "That looks like the baby on the forehead of Nurse Gollum from South Park". Yeah, look it up. Completely accurate. That thing was a baby looking to breach it's father's right eye!

Aldo faded heavily in the 5th and final round. Hominick was laying down some really heavy ground and pound in the fifth and final round. If this had gone to a sixth round, Aldo would have lost his title.

Aldo wins via decision in a very entertaining and hard to look at hematoma, I mean fight.

We learned a few things from this fight:

1: Mark Hominick does not say, "I quit" for ANYTHING! Big props for that, homie!

2: I hate looking at Hematomas. They are gross to the "Heehaw! Maximum!"

3: JOE-SAY Aldo is human.

4: I really bet chicks dig the scar on Aldo's face.

5: Hominick will beat Aldo in a rematch.

6: The featherweight division is very exciting!

7: I REALLY hate looking at Hematomas!!!

Randy Couture vs Lyoto Machida (Loser Leaves UFC Fight)

I was looking forward to this fight ever since it was announced. The basis for any great MMA fight is a fantastic style match up and these too styles (Karate/BJJ vs Wrestling Legend) this was bound to be a classic. With Machida on a two fight losing streak it seemed as if another loss meant "Exit the Dragon".

The first round was very exciting and had some great exchanges between these two warriors. Machida used his patented jumping knee to the body a few times as Randy tried to get a hold of him. Then there were a few great scrambles as Lyoto used his elusive footwork to avoid being pushed against the cage. Couture was working hard to find a way to get into some dirty boxing exchanges or clinch action against the cage, but it was to no avail.

As the second round started it looked like we were in for another fun round with two fairly evenly matched warriors. Then this two-on-two match turned into a triple threat match when Master Steven Seagal decided to yell, "Machida, use the kick". Lyoto's soul heard his masters cries and delivered a jumping front kick directly onto the jaw of Randy Couture. "The Natural's" eyes rolled back into his head and he fell straight backwards slamming his head into the mat; Lights out!

During the post fight interview, Machida gave full props to his father and Steven Seagal for teaching him the front kick. Oh man, does Steven Seagal really need his ego inflated anymore?

Pros and Cons:

Pro: Getting to see a second front kick KO!

Con: The retirement of Randy "Captain America" Couture.

Pro: The return of the Machida Era.

Con: The return of the Machida Era!

UFC 129 Awards:

The Hashim Rahman Award:

Winner: Mark Hominick - For continuing to fight his heart out even though it looked like his brain was trying to escape his forehead. Hematoma, Hematoma on my face, who's the ugliest of them all? Oh, and on a side note: Never type Hematoma into Google images. NEVER!

The "Look What I Can Do!" Award:

Winner: Pablo Garza – For submitting Yves Jabouin with a flying arm triangle at the end of round one. Ryo Chonan, eat your heart out!

The “Snots” The Dog Award:

The Winner: Jake Shields – For looking like a horny desperate dog humping a leg when he shot in for every one of his takedowns against GSP. A horny desperate weak rabid malnourished stray mutt of a dog.

The Back To The Future Award:

Winner: John Makdessi – For knocking Kyle Watson out with such a viscous spinning backfist that when he woke up he was in 1955.

The Secure In His Own Masculinity Award:

Winner: Mike Goldberg – For saying during the Ben Hendorson vs Mark Bocek fight. "Look at the legs of Ben Henderson. They are so muscular, tight, and epically awesome".

The E. Honda Award:

Winner: Jake Ellenberger – For knocking out Sean Pierson with one punch, then connecting with another one hundred punches (Actually 6 or so) before Pierson hit the mat and Herb Dean could stop the fight.

The Judas Award:

Winner: Toronto – For not one person in the crowd giving any kind of kind of response when, in his post fight interview Ben Henderson says: "Toronto, can I Get an Amen?". Even the Canadian crickets were like, "No" when Benson gave his shout out to God. Just so you now Toronto. I'm just saying!

The Cheech and Chong Award:

Winner: Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg – For, as of late, making less and less sense when they jabber off.

The following transcript is true and complete accurate and has not been altered for the benefit of George Carlin:

Mike Goldberg - Speechless at times when you just kind of look around at the crowd here tonight...

Joe Rogan - Yeah we might not stop. We might start stop. Stop talking somewhere in this, just because of that.

Mike Goldberg – Yeah!

The Master Of All That Is Everything Award:

Winner: Steven Seagal (Takeshigemichi) - For just EVERYTHING he is and will always be. A 7th degree aikido black belt. A blockbuster action star. A father. A dojo master. A police officer. A TV star. The first baby to ever do Karate (his own words). And a teacher of the most amazing and awesome kick that ever was, or will be!

However there is one thing he does not possess: his memory. During his post fight interview with Ariel Helwani, he could not remember his name (even though he had meet him several times) so he called him, "Interview Man" over and over and over again.

Then when asked by Ariel about the front snap kick he said in a previous interview that he invented and taught Silva and Machida, he stated: "People should not put words in my mouth. I did not invent the kick. I never said that". But he did, a few times. This dude is so hardcore he won't even let himself put words in his own mouth.

A Ground and Pound Highlight

When you look at all the arguments for how much more brutal MMA is than other combat sports, the typical fall-back is for detractors to bring up the fact that the combatants are allowed to strike each other while on the ground. While there is honestly no major difference in velocity and force between punching someone on a vertical or horizontal plane, there are technical differences, namely being that someone lying down can’t escape if they’re pinning, while a standing fighter can easily cut a corner if he’s back against a turnstile. Although MMA has produced not nearly as many fatalities, the mere fact that a dominant man can pin another and crush his face with punches or elbows it looks like he was born with Treacher-Collins Syndrome (research and ready your puke bucket), but this just happens in the mainstream, i.e., American circuits. The sadistic psychopaths of the Brazilian Vale Tudo events and the pathologically conforming Japanese have turned ground and pound from a simple tactic into, well…. a slightly more gruesome but equally simple tactic. Below are four of the best examples of the brutality of ground and pound.


Sergei Kharitonov v. Semmy Schilt – When it comes to ground and pound, most fighters aim for mounting and pounding an opponent, they do it while sitting on their waist. Sergei, being your typical Russian who possibly borders on violent paranoid schizophrenia, chose to instead sit on Schilt’s neck and pop him in the left eye with hammer fists. For an added bonus, since Japanese crowds are silent, you can hear the shrieks and cries of pain that Schilt slips out with every strike.

Jon Jones v. Matt Hamill – "HOLY CRAP STOP THE FIGHT!" I yelled this with every elbow Jones crashed into Hamill’s skull. Of course, this was pointless, because A) It was televised and B) the guy is deaf, yo. Of course, Jones was disqualified for using the 12-6 elbow drop, which was recently made illegal, but the aerial shot made of Hamill, blood pooling in the dents Jones left in his skull, was terrifying.

Mark Coleman v Igor Vovchanchyn – The wrestler who inspired the Coleman Clause and a decreed 'godfather of ground and pound (as if smashing someone’s face while they’re on the ground is a new notion, whatever)' Igor didn’t stand a chance in your typical wrestler vs. striker argument, and the twenty-plus knees he took to the forehead proves it.

Bob Sapp v. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira – Big Nog wins the prize for being one of the few men to endure a 360 pound black Godzilla power bombing him, breaking a dozen bones in his face with his turkey sized fists, and even going far enough to actually JUMP AND LAND HIS FIST DEAD CENTER ON NOG’S FACE (!) and then win the fight. Sure, he outclassed Sapp while standing by actually knowing how to box, but his insistence on wanting to finish by submission (as well as a nasty back injury) put him at a disadvantage.


Mr Brendan Rowe

The Brazilian Chuck Norris

Mr Harry Borovick pays homage to Chuck Norris' illegitimate son, Jose Aldo.

Firstly, I should clarify: Jose Aldo is not Chuck Norris' son, But if this were true, it would be better than if the UFC's very own Chuck had retired when everyone-but-him knew he should have. In light of this, here are 5 facts you never new about our favourite miniature Brazilian.

1. Jose Aldo's kicks hit so hard he doesn't have to kick a tree to cut it down. He kicks Urijah Faber and a tree falls because its scared.
2. Jose Aldo makes money on the side of fighting by killing cows via face punch for Burger King.
3. Jose Aldo doesn't give a shit, he is the shit.
4. If he gets angry he kicks everything he sees until Dana White hunts him down and fills him full of tranquillizer darts, like a Rhino.
5. Jose Aldo can beat the Incredible Hulk in a "how fast can you KO Cub Swanson" contest.

10 Reasons To Support Cage Warriors

As with every MMA event I've attended in this country, there's a checklist of things I expect when I attend:

- to be abused or threatened by the drunken cavemen (they tend to hunt in packs)
- to be the smallest person in the venue by a very long way (this includes the women)
- to feel completely out of place and question my love for the sport within the first few minutes of arriving
- that guilty sense of pleasure I get whenever enjoying watching MMA live

If all of the above are checked off then I know it's been a good night.

Last Sunday at Cage Warriors 41 at the hmv Forum in Kentish Town, the list was emphatically checked off and then checked again just for good measure. I guess I bring it on myself...

With the above in mind, I bring you my 10 Reason To Get Behind Cage Warriors:

1. YOU CAN AFFORD TO ATTEND
2. The progress made between each event is blindingly obvious, from the production values to the fights themselves
3. Adam Edwards' phenomenal Baywatch theme walkout. We salute you, Sir.
4. They don't host at Time and Envy/Liquid and Chav/Stab and Envy
5. You might see Luc Lamude there in the near future...
6. An abundance of stools in between rounds
7. The promotion helps to further the careers of up and coming prospect fighters
8. YOU WILL ENJOY
9. Oh yeah, the fights. Them fights is good.
10. And I guess this only applies to the Brits, but you've got to support your own, haven't you?

We came, we saw, we loudly debated which fighter was sexiest as they walked by, we offended a red headed gentleman, we witnessed the burning canvas damage first hand (f*** you, James McSweeney*) and, despite a Baywatch inspired walkout not automatically being awarded the W, we loved every second of it.

With Cage Warriors 43 just announced I'll expect to see even more of you there. Maybe you can give me shit at the bar? :)





*It's a long story which resulted in receiving the following tweet from McSweeney himself:

@thephantomknee @jackstonemason y dont u do rub cream on his feet! Then bend over and let him take you aswell


Sexy stuff, James. We'll get the FlipCam...

$100 Says Shields Wins at UFC 129

Disclaimer - We in no way endorse or encourage gambling.

OK, with that business out of the way - let's have some fun. With UFC 129: GSP Vs Shields almost upon us, it's time for Knee founder Jimbo Slice to put his money where his mouth is. Martin Ives explains...



Thinking back, one of the first UFC bouts I ever really paid attention to involved Georges St Pierre - what really struck me about him was his methodical, no-wasted-motion approach to fighting, and his eye watering budgie smugglers. I decided on that day that I'd never bet against this impressive physical specimen. My dear friend Jimbo has other ideas...

Let's take it back a little, before the Phantom Knee, we were just a bunch of mates getting together, drinking beer, eating meat and watching fighting. My ex-girlfriend used to call it 'Getting your man on' and I suppose it was. The purest celebration of masculinity known to, well, man. Once Jimbo had mastered the art of pulling an all-nighter coupled with all the trappings of 'getting his man on', we started having good natured bets amongst ourselves. Everyone loves a prediction right? - it's a metaphorical cock measuring contest - a battle to the death! I remember at UFC 101, I rather stupidly bet Jimbo £10 that Forrest would beat Silva. 5 minutes later, I ended up handing over £20, as I was so ashamed. The man was like a talisman - he'd get 10/12 predictions right. So once he'd cleaned me out for the last time, we started placing bets online. 50/50 and we'd back his picks. Well, what can I tell you? It all went very wrong very quickly - the luck dried up, and we'd seldom win anything of note. So we stopped. We lost the lucky rabbit's foot.

Fast forward to UFC 121, after Jake Shield's workmanlike victory over Martin Kampmann that saw him declared #1 contender, Jimbo immediately declared that Shields would beat GSP. On the strength of that performance alone, I thought he was mental. Here we are, one week before UFC 129, and he's getting me to look up the odds.

Now, as much as I think it's a bit weird that most pundits are already looking past Jake Shields, and waffling on about a GSP vs Anderson Silva superfight at the end of the year, I still have serious doubts Shields will pull off the upset. He has an amazing record, but he hasn't faced anyone like GSP, he's an underwear model with sick takedowns! However, under his instruction, Jimbo has given me £65 (around $100) to place on Jake Shields. So off to Paddypower.com I go!



His first instruction is £50 on the nose for a Shields win - at the current odds, this will return £225.



Also worth a go at 33-1 was a Shields win in Round 5 - a £5 flutter would return £170.



Unlikely as it sounds, a Shields KO/TKO is 20-1, so a fiver would net you £105. I've never seen anyone get knocked out in a pillow fight, but who knows?!



This is where it gets interesting, as Shields is a submission specialist, the odds on him winning by submission are surprisingly good, £5 at 9-1 odds brings in £50. GSP hasn't been submitted in 7 years.



So, with every avenue covered, the bet is being placed. Best case scenario, Shields wins by TKO in round 5 - Jimbo Slice is £500 richer, and he'd better get the boozes in. Has he got balls the size of watermelons, or is he a deluded fool? Would you click OK? Put it this way, if he wins, he'll be louder than the 55,000 people in attendance at the event!

Knowing Knee, Knowing You: Adam Edwards

On Easter Sunday, up-and-coming British featherweight contender Adam Edwards steps into the cage with undefeated Swede Niklas Backstrom at Cage Warriors #41. Since he’s no stranger to Dagenham or tattoos, we thought we’d get Martin Ives to ask him about grappling with animals and urban discipline.



Q: What is your martial arts background? What disciplines have you trained in and for how long?

I am BJJ Brown Belt, training at the MMA clinic, under/alongside the legendary Michael Russell, Thai Boxing fight experience under the tutelage of Chris 'My Hero' Carley and Head MMA coach Paul 'I love BJJ' Hines. All in all I’ve been training close to 10 years now.

Q: What was the catalyst for taking up MMA?

For me, it's the challenge. I’m not a thug, I like the opportunity to put my nice demeanour of everyday life to one side for 3x5's. I don't wish any ill will upon anyone I fight. Their unfortunate discomfort is an ends to a means of my competitive nature. I go for the win, not to make up numbers.

Q: Your Cage Warriors record is 2-0 by submission - do you anticipate a submission victory on Sunday?

Actually its 3-0, I fought many many moons ago when I was a mere wet necked blue belt. It was Cage Warriors #5 verses a gentleman of the sport,Ozzy Haluk. 

Q: At this level, how much consideration do you give to an opponent's previous fights or do you concentrate on your own game?

I research my opponent' s vids whenever I can. I expect the worse situation and I deal with it.  

Q: By day you are a tattoo artist, does the fear of a hand injury, which could rob you of your livelihood, dictate your fighting style?

It's in the back of my mind, but fearing it too much would not allow me to do my deed.

Q: Since you work with ink, in your opinion, who has the best/worst tattoos in MMA?

Best tattoos in MMA? I would have to say are worn by some of my team members ;)  One that is possibly the most powerful- as everyone knows it, is Roger Huerta's Tribal piece. Worst is a Heavyweight's giant penis sword.

Q: As a Dagenham resident, London's poorest borough with the lowest life expectancy - do you think this living environment has toughened you up?

A little-I’m quite agile on me feet and a good runner as a result! Joking aside, I have to repeatedly explain to people I’m not interested in street fighting. I love competitive fighting, structured rules, where we're all on the same page, where we can do the same to each other - I have no issue with someone punching me as hard as possible, because I can and will return the favour - It's a fair fight.


Q: What is the largest animal you could submit?

I've rolled with a few shaved silverbacks - especially back in the days when I used to wrestle the absolutes (no -gi). I would like to see if I could kimura a chimp - crazy flexibility and power. If it got out it'd be pissed, quick footwork and a cheeky toe punt in the jacobs would solve that!




Q: Do you believe in the Phantom Knee?

Question is… Does the Phantom Knee believe in me? Believe!

The end credits:

Huge huge thanks to all my family, for understanding the commitment and sacrifices we all make in eye of my goal, my beautiful wife for being so tolerant, more so around the weight cut. Also www.themmaclinic.com – for being part of such a positive team, Alan at www.fightersmind.co.uk and Bret at www.conceptfitnessuk.com

Mr Edwards is brought to you by:

Chameleons Custom Tattoos
Facebook Group

Fedor: The Legacy

Following his almighty beasting at the hands of Bigfoot Silva in the Strikeforce Heavyweight Grand Prix, a lot has been made of where Fedor goes from here. Is now the time to call it day? Go out gracefully? Will his evil overlords even let him? It would appear not. So who's next for the fallen icon?

A HW fight with the current LHW champion, of course...

Anyway, Mr Harry Borovick takes a look at the legacy of Fedor and his imprint on MMA:

31-3-1 is an exceptionally impressive record for any type of modern professional combatant. But is a world-class record enough to really build a world-class legacy? This writer thinks not. Fedor will either be remembered by many as the greatest heavyweight to ever step into the cage, or as the most over-hyped, over-protected and over-lauded fighter that has arguably done more to damage the image of the sport than any other athlete in recent times (Jose Canseco doesn't count).

The way in which "The Last Emperor" allowed himself to be managed by the M-1global businessmen such as Vadim Finkelstein showed he did not respect MMA as a sport whatsoever. Those who respect the rise of mixed martial arts as a legitimate form of sports entertainment understand its popularity and growth stems from unified management by organizations rather than selective promoters (a la boxing). This has eliminated much of the ego in the forming of deals and the staging of fights. A fighter signs a contract, and then he consents to do whatever that organization tells him to do. At the very core of Dana White's success (and to some extent CEOs such as Scott Coker and Bjorn Rebney) is his establishment of who's the boss between them and their fighters. Obviously fighters have to be respected to a certain extent as they are the show-piece and the actual mechanism for profit, but no fighter is so exceptionally valuable that he out-values the entire organization for which he fights for. Even fighters such as Georges St. Pierre, the most marketable athlete in MMA, understands that their career and success depends on good fights, strong promotion and the health of the sport in general.

Fedor's time as a great fighter was up when he got demolished twice in two fights, even he had to admit that. It is in a way ridiculous that he would not have been fighting for Strikeforce, but would have been in the UFC fighting for a considerably higher sum and a better deal if he had not consented to the poor management of M-1. I say this is ridiculous because Fedor's record was only built up in the first place because of such extraordinarily selective fight choices up until that point. This shows that not only has poor management in Fedor's case by his manager Vadim Finkelstein built a fake legacy around a fighter, but that it has damaged the sport as a whole because when a fighter is built up so highly and then is knocked down so easily it damages the legitimacy of a sport. When there is such a high level of professionalism all fights are expected to be highly competitive, close, and entertaining. Watching Fedor he has been none of these for a considerable period of time, something which is highly concerning for anyone who cares about the health of this sport.

M-1, Vadim Finkelstein and others of the same school of management need to leave MMA well alone if the sport is ever to grow and be respected universally. This is by no means a dying sport like boxing, however it is certainly increasingly restrained by unscrupulous people trying to take advantage of sportsmen to make a quick buck and further purely selfish ambitions.