UFC 129: Hematoma

We've seen enough of Mark Homick's head to last us a lifetime, so we're passing you over to Mr Shayne Newton Grier.

George St. Pierre vs Jake Shields (Welterweight Title Fight)

As this fight grew ever closer the UFC tried tirelessly to try and make the general fan base believe that Shields had some sort of chance to beat the champ. With MMA being such a fickle mistress, there is never a guarantee for any fighter to win. The one thing I knew with 100% certainty is that with both Shields and GSP being in love with smothering opponents on the ground, the fans were going to be treated to, "Some Serious Siamese Snuggie Smothering". The four S's, as the "Super Seagal" calls it. All trademarks are giving and received by Master S.S.

However, even guarantees have fine print, and this one reads: This guarantee is null and void if both fighters decided they can be more boring without the use of any Snugging!

GSP wins via another five round dominating snore fest. Shields never landed anything significant except for a nice stiff eye poke that destroyed Pierre's left eye. Supposedly this is the reason George couldn't finish off Jake. The true reason why he never finished him is because, of this...

Greg Jackson's Striking Strategy For GSP:

Soft jab

Soft jab

"Liddell-esque" Overhand right

Soft jab

Soft jab

"Koscheck-esque" Overhand right

Soft jab

Soft jab

Slightly harder jab

Soft jab

"Fedor-esque" Sloppy Overhand right

Where in the world were the hooks, the uppercuts, or even the undercuts? Or at least a good set-up for the horrible looking overhand rights he was throwing every 3rd or 4th punch. I can't even recall him throwing a hook or an uppercut. Really? I mean, really?

Problem: GSP Simply Dominates

Now, it's not that he dominates to finishes. No, no. That hasn't happened in a very long time. He just beats guys up in such a way that he wins every round and looks pretty untouchable doing it. This wouldn't be such a problem if he could finish the fight, but every fight ends with a fairly uneventful decision win for Mr. "Rush". Which makes for a very unmarketable fighter...

Solution: Bring On The Champ

The only fight that makes sense after another sleeper with GSP, is to have him fight a champ that only "Brings it!"

That's right, bring on Nick Diaz. Out of Nick Diaz's last 16 fights, only 3 have gone to decision and out of those, he has won 14 of them. To be fair if you look at the last 16 fights for GSP, he actually has a better or equal track record of finishing foes, but ever since he got pummeled by Serra, he always wants to play it safe.

The point I am making is: Diaz is the only man that will make GSP fight the fight we all know he can because for some reason, the men who fight GSP as of late can't get past his mystic of dominance.

Nick Diaz will cut the UFC champ's angles off with his FAR superior boxing, then, if GSP wants to go the ground (which he will not), he'll have to show he is not the color belt in BJJ that his trainers have given him.

Could Georgie beat Diaz? Sure. But only with the level of boring Snuggie action that we have come to expect from "The Fighter Formerly Known As Rush". Diaz would never, and I mean NEVER let him play that game. He would keep scrambling for submissions making it a very entertaining fight; while it lasts. Nick will make GSP work until he finally makes a mistake and then it's over.

Jose Aldo vs Mark Hominick (Featherweight Title Fight)

Jose Aldo or as the completely inept commentary team that the UFC has on their payroll calls him, JOE-SAY Aldo. I have been watching Aldo since he was first in the WEC and I have never heard anyone call him JOE-SAY. So, either is HO-ZAY has changed the pronunciation of his first name for his UFC debut, or (See: The Cheech and Chong Award at the end of the article).

I honestly thought that Aldo had this fight in the bag early in the fight, and then at the end of round one something changed the outcome of the entire fight.

(The Giant Horrible Disgusting Hematoma on top of Hominick's forehead)

Most would assume that a giant clotting of blood hijacking someone's forehead during the course of a title fight, whispering into their brain, "Dude we are having some serious issues here" would make THAT fighter say, "I'm out". Not Hominick! This dude is a fighter to the core of his existence. He kept fighting for FOUR more rounds with, as my homeboy T AND A said to me: "That looks like the baby on the forehead of Nurse Gollum from South Park". Yeah, look it up. Completely accurate. That thing was a baby looking to breach it's father's right eye!

Aldo faded heavily in the 5th and final round. Hominick was laying down some really heavy ground and pound in the fifth and final round. If this had gone to a sixth round, Aldo would have lost his title.

Aldo wins via decision in a very entertaining and hard to look at hematoma, I mean fight.

We learned a few things from this fight:

1: Mark Hominick does not say, "I quit" for ANYTHING! Big props for that, homie!

2: I hate looking at Hematomas. They are gross to the "Heehaw! Maximum!"

3: JOE-SAY Aldo is human.

4: I really bet chicks dig the scar on Aldo's face.

5: Hominick will beat Aldo in a rematch.

6: The featherweight division is very exciting!

7: I REALLY hate looking at Hematomas!!!

Randy Couture vs Lyoto Machida (Loser Leaves UFC Fight)

I was looking forward to this fight ever since it was announced. The basis for any great MMA fight is a fantastic style match up and these too styles (Karate/BJJ vs Wrestling Legend) this was bound to be a classic. With Machida on a two fight losing streak it seemed as if another loss meant "Exit the Dragon".

The first round was very exciting and had some great exchanges between these two warriors. Machida used his patented jumping knee to the body a few times as Randy tried to get a hold of him. Then there were a few great scrambles as Lyoto used his elusive footwork to avoid being pushed against the cage. Couture was working hard to find a way to get into some dirty boxing exchanges or clinch action against the cage, but it was to no avail.

As the second round started it looked like we were in for another fun round with two fairly evenly matched warriors. Then this two-on-two match turned into a triple threat match when Master Steven Seagal decided to yell, "Machida, use the kick". Lyoto's soul heard his masters cries and delivered a jumping front kick directly onto the jaw of Randy Couture. "The Natural's" eyes rolled back into his head and he fell straight backwards slamming his head into the mat; Lights out!

During the post fight interview, Machida gave full props to his father and Steven Seagal for teaching him the front kick. Oh man, does Steven Seagal really need his ego inflated anymore?

Pros and Cons:

Pro: Getting to see a second front kick KO!

Con: The retirement of Randy "Captain America" Couture.

Pro: The return of the Machida Era.

Con: The return of the Machida Era!

UFC 129 Awards:

The Hashim Rahman Award:

Winner: Mark Hominick - For continuing to fight his heart out even though it looked like his brain was trying to escape his forehead. Hematoma, Hematoma on my face, who's the ugliest of them all? Oh, and on a side note: Never type Hematoma into Google images. NEVER!

The "Look What I Can Do!" Award:

Winner: Pablo Garza – For submitting Yves Jabouin with a flying arm triangle at the end of round one. Ryo Chonan, eat your heart out!

The “Snots” The Dog Award:

The Winner: Jake Shields – For looking like a horny desperate dog humping a leg when he shot in for every one of his takedowns against GSP. A horny desperate weak rabid malnourished stray mutt of a dog.

The Back To The Future Award:

Winner: John Makdessi – For knocking Kyle Watson out with such a viscous spinning backfist that when he woke up he was in 1955.

The Secure In His Own Masculinity Award:

Winner: Mike Goldberg – For saying during the Ben Hendorson vs Mark Bocek fight. "Look at the legs of Ben Henderson. They are so muscular, tight, and epically awesome".

The E. Honda Award:

Winner: Jake Ellenberger – For knocking out Sean Pierson with one punch, then connecting with another one hundred punches (Actually 6 or so) before Pierson hit the mat and Herb Dean could stop the fight.

The Judas Award:

Winner: Toronto – For not one person in the crowd giving any kind of kind of response when, in his post fight interview Ben Henderson says: "Toronto, can I Get an Amen?". Even the Canadian crickets were like, "No" when Benson gave his shout out to God. Just so you now Toronto. I'm just saying!

The Cheech and Chong Award:

Winner: Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg – For, as of late, making less and less sense when they jabber off.

The following transcript is true and complete accurate and has not been altered for the benefit of George Carlin:

Mike Goldberg - Speechless at times when you just kind of look around at the crowd here tonight...

Joe Rogan - Yeah we might not stop. We might start stop. Stop talking somewhere in this, just because of that.

Mike Goldberg – Yeah!

The Master Of All That Is Everything Award:

Winner: Steven Seagal (Takeshigemichi) - For just EVERYTHING he is and will always be. A 7th degree aikido black belt. A blockbuster action star. A father. A dojo master. A police officer. A TV star. The first baby to ever do Karate (his own words). And a teacher of the most amazing and awesome kick that ever was, or will be!

However there is one thing he does not possess: his memory. During his post fight interview with Ariel Helwani, he could not remember his name (even though he had meet him several times) so he called him, "Interview Man" over and over and over again.

Then when asked by Ariel about the front snap kick he said in a previous interview that he invented and taught Silva and Machida, he stated: "People should not put words in my mouth. I did not invent the kick. I never said that". But he did, a few times. This dude is so hardcore he won't even let himself put words in his own mouth.

2010 MMA Retrospect

We've let the other media outlets have their say and now we're laying down the truths of 2010.

2010 MMA Retrospect
by Shayne Grier

It's hard to recap such an amazing year of the fastest growing sport in the world. But I'll try to give you a few of my favorite fights, KO's, and downright entertaining moments the year of 2010 Mixed Martial Arts has had to offer (Shayne style). I'm sure I missed some of the moments that made this year so amazing, so please feel free to comment and let me know some of your favorite moments and happenings of the last 12 months.


My Top Five Moments of 2010

Five:

As Goldberg called it, “The fight of the century”, of course this comes from the mouth of a dude who also said, “If Jardine's last name were Johnson, the nickname Dean of Mean would make no sense”. So, I say we meet somewhere in the middle and call it one of the most entertaining fights in the history of Mixed Martial Arts. Leonard Garcia vs Chan Sung Jung was not a clinic on how to fight nearly as much as it was a clinic on how to take a punch. If you are a fight fan who enjoys wild haymakers, looping bombs, a complete disregard for technique, and every punch thrown is going for the fences, then this is a fight you'll have saved on your DVR for a century.

Four:

Watching Cristiane “Cyborg” Santos punish Jan Finney until she not only broke her will, but her sternum as well. There is nothing better than watching two hot chicks go at it, just too bad we will never get to see that as long as Santos is champion. The “Cyborg” will be champion as long as she wants to be, because there is no woman on the planet that has even the slightest chance against her. Unless of course Joanie Laurer decides to train some MMA and drop about 35 pounds of plastic surgery. I say lets really prove that our culture is about equality and have Santos fight Gilbert Melendez in a unification bout. At least it would almost be a fair fight, for Melendez.

Three:

Mayhem inducing, well, mayhem. What started as a fun little way for Jason Miller to build some hype around a rematch with Shields turned into a one on fifteen “Bully Beatdown”. You will not see Mayhem throw one punch, however the boys from the Cesar Gracie camp throw 43 punches and kicks (Yes I counted) to Miller's back, kidneys, face, and stomach. But who gets the harshest punishment? Of course the man who obviously was smirking when approaches Shields in the ring. Then to top it all off, Gus Johnson spews even more embarrassment over the issue when he says, “Sometimes these things happen in MMA, a lot of testosterone in the cage.”

Really, I mean, really? I've only seen something similar one other time; In “Pride” when Mark Coleman broke Shogun's arm. Get your facts straight Gus or better yet, stick to commentating basketball and football, where those things do happen sometimes.

Two:

The day the Last Emperor killed his own legacy. No, I wasn't happy in the moment I saw a decades worth of hype die within the clutches of Werdum's Triangle Armbar, but Dana White was. I'm still trying to figure out which is worse, losing to a UFC reject or turning down a UFC contract, then losing to said reject.

One:

Anderson Silva submitting Chael Sonnen after letting him win until there was just the right amount of time left on the clock to do the unthinkable. Yes, I believe that Anderson allowed Sonnen to be the Ike to his Tina for twenty three minutes, then slowly and deliberately the spider lured the politician into his web and suffocated him. What makes this victory even more sweet is that Chael tested positive for steroids after the fight. Losing to Anderson with only 8% of the fight left while hyped up on steroids has to leave him feeling uber flaccid.


Top KO's of 2010

(1) Mike “Mini-Nelson” Russow gets beat down for the entire fight by Todd “Former Prospect” Duffee then, to prove once again anything can happen in MMA, Russow lays Duffee out cold and sends him packing right out of the UFC. Classic comeback, I'd say, if I dare it was, “The Comeback of the Cen-churro”.

(2) Carlos Condit knocking out Dan Hardy was a moment in which I stood up and said, “Whaaaaaaaaaat?”. I was very surprised when Hardy got laid out with that hook and then when I watched the replay and saw Hardy coming at Condit with almost the exact same punch, I could do nothing but be impressed. Talk about beating someone to the punch.

(3) Rich Franklin's “bait and punch” knockout of Chuck Liddell was another one of those moments in 2010 when I screamed at the Television in disbelief. Rich does his Trademark wobble leg dance, Chuck smells blood, then Rich makes him taste his own red blood cells with a short right hook and a quick follow up left.

(4) Joe Warren's unrelenting onslaught to dethrone the once debated P4P great Joe Soto. Warren accomplished three things with that KO. He handed Soto his first loss, he won the Bellator Featherweight Championship, and he proved that Bellator is one of the best fight organizations out there. Look out Strikeforce because Bellator is bringing the heat and they aren't making us pay for Showtime to enjoy great fights.

(5) Maximo Blanco swarming Rodrigo Damm with just about every kick and punch in the Combat Almanac until Damm is left looking like Daniel Day-Lewis in “My Left Foot”. All I can say about this one is, if you haven't seen it, Google it. You will not be disappointed.

(6) Cain Velasquez crushing Big Nog's “Homer Simpson-esque” brain abnormality with several punches that would have knocked out a Buffalo.

(7) Cole Escovedo goes low with a toe kick and then slaps Yoshiro Maeda in the face with a high kick. A double kick of beauty that leaves Maeda to hit the ring with such force that it caused a Tsunami in New York.

(8) Nick Diaz knocking out Marius Zaromskis. Sure it took just shy of forty-five punches to finally finish off “Mini-CroCop”, but just as the famous inventor George Washington Carver has taught us, quantity always wins over quality.

(9) Paul Daley treating Scott Smith to a romantic dinner at “Starbucks”. Can somebody please tell Hands of Steel when he wakes up from that KO that he needs to stop trying to recreate his famous fight with Pete Sell. It's just so, 2006.

(10) Gerald Harris slamming David Branch into the SportCenter top ten. Branch pulls guard on Harris and learns a very valuable lesson; He is not Royce Gracie, and this is not UFC 1.



Final 2010 Awards:

The Sticky Award:

Winner: Paul Daley - For landing one last “Semtex” upside the head of Josh Koscheck's big noggin before packing his bags and heading to the C-List organizations.


The Copyright Infringement Award:

Winner: Chuck Liddell - For stealing “Ace's” catch phrase. “If I'm not back in five minutes...Just wait longer”.


The Russian Mafia Award:

Winner: Fedor Emelianenko - For letting Vadim Finkelstein make it so difficult for organizations to procure his services that we barely get to see you fight once a year. Is he the greatest fighter in the history of the sport? Debatable. Is he the most mysterious? Absolutely.


The Botched Feud Award:

Winner: Brock Lesnar - For being so dazed and confused after getting handed a whoppin' for the ages by Cain Velasquez that he forgets to hype his match with The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 27. Mark Callaway tries to get “The NBT” back on track as he passes by saying “You wanna do it?”, but Brock doesn't even remember his own name at this point, let alone who the mean looking Hell's Angel is that's asking him out on a date.


The Pentennial Award:

Winner: Alistair Overeem - For defending the Strikeforce Heavyweight Championship for the first time in five years, against a man coming off a loss none-the-less. Hey Demolition Man, we all know you are a destroyer, but, can we at least see you defend that farce of a title at least once a year. Pretty please?


The Not-So-Bees-Knees Award:

Winner: Frank Mir - For bringing back the old lethargic post motorcycle accident Mir and still managing to knock out Mirko Filipovic with the weakest knee in the history of MMA.


The Cowardly Lion Award:

Winner: Tito Ortiz - For pulling out of his third fight with Chuck Liddell because of “Back problems”. Listen, Tito we all know you just didn't want to get laid out cold for a third time by the Iceman. It's cool, it's cool, we get it.


The Talk Is Cheap Award:

Winner: James Toney - For wasting his entire training camp leading up to his fight with Couture practicing verbal jabs instead of defending against single legs. Toney did talk the talk, but it is really hard to walk the walk when you're laying on your back with “The Natural” on top of you.


The Street Fighter Award:

Winner: Anthony Pettis - For blowing the minds of every MMA fan by jumping off the cage wall and nearly knocking Ben Henderson out with a move right out of Vega's playbook. In the last minute of the last round of the last fight of the last WEC Anthony Pettis proved that we have just scratched the surface of unbelievable moments in the history of Mixed Martial Arts.


2010? We're already compiling the highlights of 2011. That's how far ahead of the game we are...

Ode to the Journeyman

Mr Brendan Rowe's:

Ode to the Journeyman

The nature of the elite maintains that only a very small percentage of men and women will inhabit the upper echelon. This fact holds true for everyday life as well as sports; in combat sports, it is also a painfully obvious fact. Most boxing-related casualties stem from six-round slug-fests between two journeymen. Journeymen, of course, make up the gristle of competitors in MMA. They are the men we never talk about unless they, through hard work, determination, and luck, beat all odds and amaze us with a reckless display of ability. They tend to win against long odds in such spectacular fashion it almost seems like a rigged match. Why else couldn't they have won sooner and saved themselves from the medical bills? Is it talent or sheer dumb luck? Why don't they break off into the levels of elitism themselves? Why do I keep asking rhetorical questions?

MMA needs its journeymen just as much as society needs its heavy laborers and grocery baggers. Journeymen may find fame eluding them, but they gain note through the rare times that they actually beat somebody. Some journeymen are only mentioned and remembered because they provided that one embarrassing loss on another fighter's spotless record. In this court, journeyman is king.

Randy Couture is lord and master of the journeymen. I expect that many of you, upon reading this, are asking exactly what the hell I'm talking about, but just think about his record. Couture is a mixed bag of wins and losses who is remembered for coming out against long odds and standing his ground against men who are supposed to roll right over him. It isn't his talent that wins him fights and has made him a five-time champion; it’s the grit and determination of a journeyman. Couture, like most journeymen, is consistently at a disadvantage against his opponents (on paper), but always finds a way to win, if not be embarrassed. An opponent of The Natural, Gabriel Gonzaga, is only remembered for his head kick knock-out of Mirko Cro Cop and the ensuing title shot. He has no large fan base or claim to fame otherwise, and falls under the opposite spectrum of the journeyman: the one-shot.

The one-shot journeyman tends to fight his heart out one his way to a title shot, in which he is inevitably and inexplicably defeated. Nearly everybody that Anderson Silva has fought in recent history is one-shot journeyman. Of the last four title defenses, two men are no longer in the UFC (Thales Leites and Patrick Cote), one is fighting one of the Ultimate Fighter winners that we don't care about, and the other is mistaken for some Hispanic guy. However, Anderson Silva has been victimized by the journeyman. Flash back to 2003. Anderson Silva is fighting Daiju Takase, a nobody with a 9-13 record who is only notable through the fact that he once submitted Anderson Silva with a triangle choke, effectively ending the Spider's nine fight winning streak. Otherwise, Takase is a hack. Jump forward to 2004, and Silva is fighting another heavy underdog in Ryo Chonan. Silva smacks Chonan down for nearly seventeen minutes (note: PRIDE FC rounds were ten minutes, five minutes, and five minutes. Sadistic, eh?). Finally, Chonan leaps into a flying scissor takedown and transitions into a heel hook. Silva taps and cries like Forrest Griffin.

What did Anderson Silva learn from his humiliating submission losses? He learned to never keep a man backed into a corner for too long, and he learned to FEAR the submission specialist. Feel free to talk jive about his poor performances against Demian Maia and Thales Leites, but know that those performances stem from the fact that he lost to men who weren’t as recognized as these two. If he hadn’t lost by submission in his past, he might not still be the champion.

Cung Le was a very celebrated Sanshou fighter who held an undefeated record in Sanshou and kickboxing circles. As a mixed-martial artist, he was expected to cruise into an undefeated streak. He learned the hard way about backing a man into a corner for too long. Cung Le had built up a year and a half worth of ring rust pursuing an acting career before stepping back into a cage to regain his abandoned Strikeforce belt. His opponent was a gimme; Scott Smith, a former UFC contender known for taking a beating and somehow snatching come-from-behind victories. Cung Le, like Mirko Cro Cop before him, was expected to sail into an easy victory for a title shot. For twelve minutes, it looked like he would. However, his inability to finish a technically inferior fighter cost him his immaculate record and Cung Le is stopped by a desperate last-attempt flurry. Sure, Cung Le avenged that lost a few months later, but it was proven that he is not invincible. Fighting in the movies is all he does now.

If a fighter is told he is invincible for long enough, he starts to believe it. Fedor Emelianenko had gone from the 21st of May, 2000 to the 7th of November, 2009 with only one loss on his record, and this loss is contended and deserves an asterisk due to the illegality of the maneuver that caused it. Still, Emelianenko was considered by many to be a different breed, a chubby Russian juggernaut that steamrolled over every opponent set before him, regardless of size or odds. In steps Fabricio Werdum. Werdum had won several grappling competitions, including the ADCC, CBJJ, and PAC competitions several times, but was an underdog and had mediocre striking ability. Fedor had fought other jiu-jitsu masters and won in several decision victories (Big Nog twice, Ricardo Arona, Renato Sobral), and was expected to go into his tenth year without being defeated. Believing in his invincibility, he makes a rookie mistake and falls on/pursues Werdum to the ground. One minute and nine seconds into the fight, the juggernaut had been stopped by submission.

As the dust settles and the sun rises, as the blood is cleaned from the cage and the warriors retire to their beds, one man is left holding the torch. The journeyman remains a constant threat to other competitors. What he lacks in natural ability and talent he makes up for with piss and vinegar. The journeyman will take a fight against any odds, even against the elite. He might not always win, he might not put on a good show when he takes a whomping, but every so often, he writes his name in the pages of the sport’s history in spectacular fashion. We expect the Silva’s, the Emelianenko’s, and the Le’s to be great, so much so that their wins don’t impress us in the slightest. What are more impressive are the average men who, by the grace of god, find a way to stop these monsters. It may be the only fights they’re known for, but it sure as hell beats the anonymity of the mediocre.