The New Obsession

Dana White has something on his mind, or so Mr Sean Peconi says...


Obsession: The domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

Fedor.

The name resonates in the head of every MMA fan around the world. “The Last Emperor”, a fighter with such an aura and fan base that he will be remembered forever in the legacy of MMA.

A man that for a time became the self proclaimed “Obsession” of Dana White.

Dana White had an idea; a UFC with Fedor on the roster. An image that Fedor would lead the pack in the heavyweight division for years to come. A desire that he would be so dominant in the division that once Brock Lesnar cleaned it out, he would need someone to take on his newly popularized 'Goliath' and send him to the slaughter.

But Fedor said no.

Cue Dana White rants about difficult negotiations, Russian buffets and the Mafia.

Fast forward to October 23, 2010.

A heavy underdog, Cain Velasquez enters the ring with the giant, staring him down in the epic David versus Goliath match it was hyped to be.

David wins, Goliath goes hunting.

Cue Dana White stink face, the guy just can't win.

On the other side of the world, Alistair Overeem is a heavy favorite to win the K1 Championships in Japan on December 11th of this year. Apparently Dana White doesn't care. Put Overeem on your top ten pound for pound list? Dana doesn't care about that either. But let's look at the history here; Fedor said no, and that's when Dana really put the heat on him. “He doesn't want to fight the best”.

The same is happening with Alistair Overeem. It's no secret that Overeem has only a few more fights on his Strikeforce contract and by the looks of things, Dana is on track to bring him in. Dana loves to tell us that people need to be “Fight fans”, that we need to respect the sport on an unparallelled level and that it will take MMA fans to the pinnacle of sport fandom. Why is it then that he openly criticizes Overeem for doing K1? Why would he not have him in the top ten pound for pound rankings in MMA?

If Alistair Overeem wins the K1 Grand Prix in December there will be no doubt as to him being the best striker in the world, not even Dana White can dispute that. Put in a successful title defense against the next challenger to his Strikeforce belt, and Overeem could be the one Dana White dreams about at night very soon.

So if past behavior is any indication of what is to come in the future (Thanks Dr.Phil) why even discuss Alistair Overeem at all? Why go through the same punishment, agony and possible defeat with him that was done when negotiations with Fedor were the hot topic in MMA?

Because Dana White has an obsession. An idea that the undefeated Overeem in Strikeforce will lead the pack in the UFC heavyweight division. An image of the current UFC heavyweight champion going against one of the most skilled K1 competitors in the current day. And finally, a desire to make the UFC Heavyweight champion and Alistair Overeem the super fight that Brock Lesnar versus Fedor Emelianenko was supposed to be.

The Long Of It: UFC 123

We watched it, re-watched it, mocked it, argued over it and watched it again. Enough time has passed for us to digest what happened at UFC 123, but not enough to fully digest our 'Hughes' Hunter Pie'. Much of that still lingers...

Enough about our troubling bowel movements, we'll leave you in the capable hands of Mr Shayne Grier as he gives you the long of it.

UFC 123 after-MATH(s)


Lyoto Machida

Problem: Machida's style.


Yes, it is elusive, smart, and strategic. However, eighty-five percent of the time it's about as fun to watch as a pickle rolling down a grassy knoll. Every other fighter has figured out the pattern that is, "The Chida". Side-step, side-step, faint a jab, stutter step, flying knee/punch combo, rinse and repeat. Anyone with half the patience of a Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen will be able to implement a game plan to get the decision victory.

Solution: Make him fight in an Octagon with a 12 ft diameter instead of a 30 ft one.


This way, he will be so conditioned to fighting in a smaller space that as soon as he takes two to three of those Karate back steps, he will think his back is against the cage. He will then clinch and attempt one of his trademark Karate/Sumo throws. Not only will this confuse and disorient his opponent it will make for an instant classic within the first ten seconds of every fight. The most dangerous fighters are the ones with their backs against the cage. Just ask Kimbo Slice; Oh, wait, maybe that isn't the best example.


B.J. Penn

Problem: Baby Jay's road back to Georgie Porgie.


Can B.J. Penn beat most Welterweights? Absolutely. Can he beat George St. Pierre? Never. Don't get me wrong, Mr. Penn is one of the best fighters in the history of the sport, I just don't see how, even on his best day he could stop the takedowns of the handsome Canadian Snuggie. I would love nothing more than for Penn to destroy a few of the Welterweights the UFC puts in front of him. Once he gets that shot we can only hope G.S.P. has suffered another "Serra" and isn't the opponent the Baby has to Hula dance for the title.

Solution: Surgically amputate his left leg below the knee.


Being twenty pounds lighter, Penn could make the drop to the UFC's newly forged Bantamweight division and wreak some havoc. Even with only his right leg B.J. would dominate the lollipop kids of that division. We all know how amazing he is at hopping around on one leg to defend take-downs, this solution would just cut out the middle man.


Judging

Problem: Um, the Judges


50% of people say it is spot on 100% of the time and the other 50% say it is way less than that. After studying the judges criteria for judging a fight there is no wonder to the reasons why judges see fights differently. Sure there are four main categories in the judging of a fight; clean strikes, effective grappling, octagon control, and effective aggressiveness. Seems simple enough except for the fact that within those categories there are TWENTY sub categories the judges are to be watching for during the fight. Seems pretty convoluted to me. Add that to the fact that 50% of the judges don't even know what the word convoluted means (SEE: Cecil Peoples), how can we blame them? We should blame the criteria for its Matrix like storyline.

Solution: Referees judge bouts


Have two referees who are not officiating the bout judge it from the ring apron on opposite sides of the cage and the final judge is the referee inside the cage. There should be no other group of individuals who are better suited to see who has actually won the fight. Most referees train, or have trained, in some form of mixed martial arts and are completely aware of all aspects of the fight game. How many sanctioned MMA judges can say that? Yes, I'm looking at you Nelson Hamilton! If this brilliant idea fails then we just abolish all judges, go old school on this Mofo, and have them fight like they're on the middle school playground; Fight until one opponent says 'uncle' or has to go home for dinner.


Final Pluses and Minuses of UFC 123

Plus: Watching Matt Hughes (Once again) ask, "What happened"?
Minus: Falcão's third round audition for the next season of "The Amazing Race".
Plus: Phil Davis inventing "The Mr. Wonderful" submission and crushing Tim Boetsch's arm with it.
Minus: Joe Lauzon's ears not being big enough to save him from the Sotiropoulos kimura.
Plus: Call of Duty: Black Ops being the official sponsor because I am always happy to have a few more noobs to blow up with my RC-XD.
Minus: The time keeper of the Harris vs Falcão fight needing a new monocle for reading seven seconds left as zero.


Our pluses and minuses were as follows:

Plus: Tom Lawlor was undefeated for this entire event.
Minus: So was Josh Koscheck.
Plus: Manly venison in a pie.
Minus: Manly stomach pains.
Plus: It was one of the best overall British performances for a card this year.
Minus: It was one of the best overall British performances for a card this year.
Plus: Hahahaha, Nik Lentz.
Minus: Machida Karate :(

Have we missed anything about 123? Feel free to tell us. We know you want to...

The Rear View Mirror: UFC 123

ABC, we're told, is as easy as 123. But what do we actually know about 123? 'Big' Stu Furay asks the question...

So UFC 123 is consigned to the history books, and what have we learned?

1. Mike Lullo will need a new leg after Edson Barboza practically kicked it clean off. Someone give him Heather Mills' number.

B. Good friends CAN fight each other. Swick, Bones and Fitch take note. Great work Munoz and Simpson.

3. NEVER leave it to the Judges. They clearly get distracted by Arianny being at ringside, and completely forget they are there to score fights. Griffin and Machida take note.

D. Anyone who invents a new submission during a fight, then names it after themself is BADASS!! Mr Wonderful, take a bow. Although I’m not looking forward to The Kockcheck, or The BJ.

5. BJ Penn is BACK!! If anyone knows where he went during the Edgar fights, then answers on a postcard please.

F. And finally, Rampage may be BA, but he’s no longer Badass. Although I think Machida probably let out a little bit of wee when he almost got slammed on his head, a la Ricardo Arona.

In a similar fashion, though without mixing our ABCs and 123s, here's what we gleaned from Saturday night:

1. Although drinking your own piss might make you appear enigmatic, it doesn't actually improve your fighting skills. Inversely, it doesn't make them any worse either.

2. Karo Parisyan is actually mental.

3. BJ Penn has been royally Fitched up!
Shit, we meant F****ed! Bye Bye website.

4. We don't think Paul Kelly deserves a title shot, it's beneath him. Just give him the belt already. He's the Daley Thompson of MMA!


Oh, and that eating red meat at 4 am is a bad idea. More on that later...

The Phantom Knee Official Pound For Pound Rankings

Sadly TPK's campaign for 'Miketober' went largely unnoticed, so this incarnation of the DEFINITIVE pound for pound list takes a look back at the month you misguided people called 'Brocktober'...

10. Roy 'Big Guntry' Nelson
It's amazing what a difference a month can make - in September, Big Roy was rehabbing an injury, prepping for his biggest challenge yet in Shane 'The Gastank' Carwin. Fast forward to November, and Roy Nelson has been embroiled in a casual racism row, he's made bad jokes about Carwin's injury, been booted off the UFC 125 card with no future opponent set, and he's started talking about himself in the third person. "Roy Nelson is the victim of a conspiracy!" said Roy Nelson yesterday.

9. Dan Hardy and John Hathaway
Nothing happened at UFC 120. NOTHING. We were there, so we know best.

8. Diego Sanchez
YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

That slam. You know the one.

YES!

7. Mark 'The Undertaker' Callaway
He's from Death Valley (he's not), he weighs 328lbs (he doesn't), standing 6ft 10" tall (he's not) - could this man be Brock Lesnar's gravest challenge yet? No, he won't be because he's in his late forties and a professional wrestler. The chances of them settling their differences in a UFC cage or a WWE ring are about as likely as Josh Koscheck ever making an appearance in this listing. Why is The Undertaker included here at all? Because about 20 years ago, he used to scare the piss outta me!

6. Nate Marquardt
Never let the fact that your opponent isn't defending himself stop you from unleashing the BEAST. Undeterred by Palhares' girly protests, Nate dug deep to punch his defenceless opponent in the face.

Over and over and over and over.

5. Rob 'The Bear' Broughton
In our humble and entirely unbiased opinions, it's only a matter of time before 'The Bear' claims what is rightfully his: the UFC Heavyweight title. We were bowled over by his sporting decision to gift the first round to an 8"3 Brazilian monster by allowing him 100 uncontested punches to the face. The physique of Fedor and the game-plan of Homer Simpson, there's no stopping this trim youngster.

Oh, he's British? We had no idea...

4. Cheick Kongo
Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short. Je ne dois pas tenir les short.

3. Michael 'The Count' Bisping
Anyone in doubt of the UK superstar's meteoric rise to Middleweight title contention needs to watch his bout at UFC 120. Displaying his greatly improved striking credentials to devastating effect, including a 'Spirit of Fair Play' award-winning shot to Sexyama's groin. We actually ingest ourselves every time we watch it. Bravo Michael, bravo!

2. J*** F***h
A* e***r, M* F***h h*s m*****d t* w*****e h*s w*y i**o t*e n****r t*o p******n. M***e o*e d*y h*'*l w*****e h*s w*y i**o o*r h****s...


It's unlikely.

1. Tom 'Title Shot' Lawlor
The unbeaten streak that stretches back to May now includes a win! Apparently at the cost of some real effort at the weigh-ins. We loved his Art Jimmerson, truly we did, we just found the costume lacking. On the plus side, he resisted the urge to paint himself brown...good call.



Looking back at this, anyone would think the Brits were on top in 'Brocktober'. Either that or the people writing the list were British...

TPK's Revised Rules of MMA - Part One: The Coleman Clause

Following on from our '10 Ways To Improve MMA' we bring you: 'The Revised Rules Of MMA'. Why? Because we are the way, people.

THIS IS ALL FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

We're bringing you the sweet and sexy MMAids courtesy of Mr Brendan Rowe.

Warning: This blog may require the reader to have a knowledge of MMA that extends beyond the UFC...

Part One: The Coleman Clause.


1 - Even if the rules state otherwise, Mark Coleman is allowed to strike his opponent any way he wants, with any part of his body that he wants, until such time that he scores a KO or TKO.

A - His opponents are never allowed to do the same, ever.
B - If Coleman is submitted, he gets a mulligan in the form of one free shot to any part of the body of his opponent.


2 - In the event of a round or fight ending due to time out, Coleman gets a one-minute grace period in which he pins his opponent in North/South or a sprawl until he scores a TKO via knee strikes.

3 - Should his opponent break a limb during combat, the opponent's team must sit on the sidelines and watch while their man gets thumped.

A - Only Wanderlei Silva may enter the ring, regardless of affiliation.

1 - Wanderlei Silva must be present at every fight Coleman is at.
2 - Rampage must also be present.

B - Herb Dean is allowed to use tranquilizer darts if Coleman's blood lust hasn't been sated.

C - Phil Baroni must be choked out, regardless of where he is, every time this happens.

The Phantom Knee Official Pound For Pound Rankings

An inmate, a Republican, a retiree and a DEFINITIVE pound for pound list. What more could you ask for? There's more to our rankings than winning or losing, it's about how you play the game.

Or the shit you talked leading up to it...

The following came to you from both sides of the Atlantic in a meeting of minds, knees and heated emails. In producing this list, we welcomed the MMA brainwrongs of Mr Brendan Rowe to the table.


10. K J Noons
Snatching the Spirit of Fair Play Award from Stefan Struve's evil Dutch claw, Keanu J Noons blasts his way into the top ten with a cheeky after-the-bell flurry and an illegal knee to all of our heads. Well played that man!

9. Tom 'Kong' Watson
Hated by Sherdog, loved by us, this plucky bit of homegrown British beef is taking on two fights in two weeks this month, Leben style. One in Canada against one-time TUF fighter, Jesse 'JT Money' Taylor, whose failed attempt at getting the 'full mount' on a Vegas showgirl got him kicked off the show. The second is back in Blighty against Alex 'The Punching Bag' Reid. Always in the media spotlight, Reid is famous for being brave/silly enough to marry 'glamour' model Jordan. Coming into the fight, Reid boasts an impressive 8-8-1-1, with his last competitive win coming in 2005.

8. Anthony 'Rumble' Johnson
Who needs BJJ and a ground game when you can just knock the other guy out? With cheekbones sharper than Kenny Florian's elbows, 'Rumble' Johnson usually cuts fifty pounds of water before going into a fight, making him quite a lot larger than most of the men in his division. All he has to do is figure out how to not get choked, and he'll be a force to be reckoned with.

7. Warmachine
311 days...

6. Matt 'Meathead' Mitrione
Marcus Jones quit fighting for good after losing to 'Meathead'. Kimbo Slice was cut from the UFC after his loss. With only two professional fights, Mitrione has been the kryptonite to the careers of both men, without having anything resembling a respectable physique.


5. Chael Sonnen
Sure he looked impressive against a lethargic Anderson Silva at 117, blah blah blah blah. Michael Bisping cheeked him recently - Sonnen's response? "If Bisping ever addresses me in public again, I will bury him where he stands." - factor in his 'alleged' comments about Lance Armstrong, and we're cooking with gas!

4. Bas Rutten
Oh, you want a reason?
Tabasco in the eye...

3. Joe 'J-Lau' Lauzon
With his enthusiastic performance at UFC 118 being the only interesting bout on the card, and serial killer good looks, things are looking rosey for the older Lauzon. Oh yeah, and his 12 minute long video burial of opponent Gabe Ruediger has taken trash talk to blockbuster-esque proportions. Throw him in with Wanderlei next, or Heath Herring. And before you bitch, think about it...

2. Jon 'Human Blanket' Fitch
So it looks like Dana forgot exactly what a Jon Fitch fight looks like yet again. We didn't. That's why we didn't offer him a title shot if he beat Alves. We didn't even vote him into our top ten. The world's 2nd best weltwerweight decisioned us into conceding him his rightful silver medal position. Boo.


1. Tom 'The Filthy Mauler' Lawlor
Unbeaten now since May, Lawlor carries this streak into his October (or Brocktober!) bout with Patrick Cote at UFC 121. We're seriously considering loading his gloves to ensure the win, though, were the antiquated rules of MMA updated to include points for walkouts, we wouldn't need to tip the scales. In fact, the 'Filthy Mauler' would be the current Middleweight champ by now. Where's the justice?

Alternates included: Forrest Griffin - the very definition of MAN, Gabe Reudiger for managing not to eat the cake, Jon Jones for being Jon Jones and King Mo 'cos y'all hate him.

Expendables - The Definitive Review

Our resident couch potato Troy Nelson went to a preview screening of the Expendables - here's what he thought...

A film review? On The Phantom Knee? What? Seriously?

Well, it's got Randy 'Captain America' Couture in it. We made the call to our main man Cecil Peoples to come along and enjoy the show. And we're off!

Boasting the best action movie cast ever (John Rambo, Det. John Kimble, John McClane, Randy The Ram, Stone Cold, The Scorpion King, Ivan Drago and the dudes from Crank and Lethal Weapon 4) - the main worry was that the gravitas of the cast would overshadow the action. By the time the first head exploded, we forgot what we were worrying about. This is gonna be great.

If you're a bit funny about blood and gore, firstly, you're a pussy! Secondly, why are you an MMA fan anyway? Thirdly, you're a pussy! Having said that, despite considering ourselves pretty damn hardcore, the sight of Captain America Couture in a leather cap very nearly made us puke in our popcorn. No excuses, it was practically obscene!

So, lots has been made from the Arnie and Hudson Hawk cameos, they weren't great - what really impressed us was the dual Nogueira cameos. Far be it from us to cause a sibling rivalry, but Minotauro again outstripped his little brother with a brave, yet challenging performance as henchman #1. It definately puts Keith Jardine's Crank 2: High Voltage appearance into perspective - that's for sure!

The action is fast paced (just like Rourke's tattooing skills) and the plot is deliciously simple. Stealing the show, regardless of screen time, is third dan karate black belt (!) Dolph Lundgren - this guy does sketchy scary like no other. Even Couture gets a bit of face time, and talks about his pet mouse.

Stallone must have listened to confirmed MMA fan Statham, as, and this isn't much of a spoiler when you consider the title of the actual movie, Couture's early death in the movie is one of the few moments of true drama in the whole film. In fact, his overblown exit is second only to Sly's passing at the film's climax.

Initially, we were somewhat disappointed that JCVD and Anderson Silva's mate Seagal weren't a part of the production, but you know what - they wouldn't have added anything to a film already bloated with star quality.

All in, if you like explosions, cliches, and fast paced hand-to-hand combat, then you'll be rubbing your hands with glee like Dana White when he first saw the PPV buys for Lesnar's first fight. If you don't like these things, then you're clearly a pussy. Pussy!


Nelson
Action 30 - Story 29 - Overall 30

Peoples
Action 26 - Story 30 - Overall 27