Expendables - The Definitive Review

Our resident couch potato Troy Nelson went to a preview screening of the Expendables - here's what he thought...

A film review? On The Phantom Knee? What? Seriously?

Well, it's got Randy 'Captain America' Couture in it. We made the call to our main man Cecil Peoples to come along and enjoy the show. And we're off!

Boasting the best action movie cast ever (John Rambo, Det. John Kimble, John McClane, Randy The Ram, Stone Cold, The Scorpion King, Ivan Drago and the dudes from Crank and Lethal Weapon 4) - the main worry was that the gravitas of the cast would overshadow the action. By the time the first head exploded, we forgot what we were worrying about. This is gonna be great.

If you're a bit funny about blood and gore, firstly, you're a pussy! Secondly, why are you an MMA fan anyway? Thirdly, you're a pussy! Having said that, despite considering ourselves pretty damn hardcore, the sight of Captain America Couture in a leather cap very nearly made us puke in our popcorn. No excuses, it was practically obscene!

So, lots has been made from the Arnie and Hudson Hawk cameos, they weren't great - what really impressed us was the dual Nogueira cameos. Far be it from us to cause a sibling rivalry, but Minotauro again outstripped his little brother with a brave, yet challenging performance as henchman #1. It definately puts Keith Jardine's Crank 2: High Voltage appearance into perspective - that's for sure!

The action is fast paced (just like Rourke's tattooing skills) and the plot is deliciously simple. Stealing the show, regardless of screen time, is third dan karate black belt (!) Dolph Lundgren - this guy does sketchy scary like no other. Even Couture gets a bit of face time, and talks about his pet mouse.

Stallone must have listened to confirmed MMA fan Statham, as, and this isn't much of a spoiler when you consider the title of the actual movie, Couture's early death in the movie is one of the few moments of true drama in the whole film. In fact, his overblown exit is second only to Sly's passing at the film's climax.

Initially, we were somewhat disappointed that JCVD and Anderson Silva's mate Seagal weren't a part of the production, but you know what - they wouldn't have added anything to a film already bloated with star quality.

All in, if you like explosions, cliches, and fast paced hand-to-hand combat, then you'll be rubbing your hands with glee like Dana White when he first saw the PPV buys for Lesnar's first fight. If you don't like these things, then you're clearly a pussy. Pussy!


Nelson
Action 30 - Story 29 - Overall 30

Peoples
Action 26 - Story 30 - Overall 27

The Phantom Knee Official Pound For Pound Rankings

Everyone does them and now so do we. Only difference being: ours is definitive.

10. Pat 'HD' Barry
Having confessed to his hero, Mirko Crocop, he'd fucked himself up during their recent bout, Barry gained even more respect from us here at The Knee. Goes to show that nice guys don't always finish last. Oh. He has.

9. Stefan 'Skyscraper' Struve
At UFC 117, Struve's lip ballooned in size so much, he could practically trip over it. This guy is 9ft 3" tall! However, that's not the reason why he has made the grade, he won our 'spirit of fair play' award by throwing a sneaky leg kick whilst touching gloves - we salute you big man!

8. Forrest Griffin
Sure he looked pedestrian against Anderson 'The Spider' Silva, and flatly refuses to fight overseas, but he puts the man into man. Let's face it, his new book 'Be Ready When The Shit Goes Down' is the most anticipated sequel since the Bible.

7. Paul 'Semtex' Daley
Having just signed a multi fight deal with Strikeforce, his career looks back on track after the Down-Under debacle. Watch out welterweight wrestlers - he's out for blood!

6. Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson
He may be banned from driving in real life, but through the magic of movies, he can still drive the iconic A-Team van without reproach.

5. The Korean Zombie
Why so high? The undead are super cool. Imagine if he didn't stop the ground 'n pound when the ref asked him? And he just carried on and on until his opponents head was mush. And then he started feasting on their grey matter. Think about it!

4. Warmachine
Keep checking back to The Phantom Knee for details on our fundraising mission to mail him a tub of Mutant Mass protein powder with a file hidden inside. 25 days inside so far - we're pulling for ya bro!

3. Miguel Torres
Fighting and philosophy go together like chips and cat shit. Which means not very well, you sick bastards - unless you're Miguel Torres. Follow his Twitter - see the light.

2. Jon Fitch
Common sense dictates that Fitch wouldn't normally feature in any normal pound-for-pound list, yet he continues to do so. We're now privvy to his secret. He laid on top of us until we agreed to put him at number two. It took 13 hours.

1. Tom 'Filthy' Lawlor
Many people speculate as to who the future of MMA might be. Todd 'He-Man' Duffee? Jon 'Bones' Jones? Frankie 'The Answer' Edgar? F*** off, yeah? Coming off a 'character building' two fight losing streak, Lawlor is still our man!


Feel free to argue this accross the entire internerd, but just know that we are right.

The Sharks Are Coming

MC Hammer's involvement in MMA: funny at first, but all-too-quickly a worrying sign of things to come.

He's a shark in baggy pants and he's coming for your sport.

A professional idiot who has in his time filed for bankruptcy and left boxing in his dust. Credentials that make him an ideal candidate to manage the burgeoning careers of up-and-coming MMA stars.

We recommend you listen to his interview with Ariel Helwani on 'The MMA Hour' to get that sick feeling in your stomach. His lack of knowledge of even his own fighters (Antonio Hardonk?) fills our hearts with hope and joy.

There's plenty more where he's from, just waiting to sink their teeth into a growing sport and bleed it dry. Just look to the festering state of professional boxing for a whatnottodo.

DON KING IS WAITING IN THE WINGS...

10 Ways To Improve MMA

We like to jump on the bandwagon as much as the next guy.

Following the recent spate of dubious decisions and knee-jerk calls for a complete rethink of scoring fights, we thought: 'Hey, why stop there? Why not not overhaul the entire thing?'


1. Eye for an eye
F*** points deductions. You kick a guy in the sack, you get one straight back AND he gets to take a run up.

2. Absolutely no ref stoppages
If you've been KO'd, that's your problem. We see no reason to let that stop Brock while he's getting in his stride. Maybe in future you'll think twice about having a lie down.

3. Bonus points
We can giveth as well as taketh away. Extra points for fruity walk outs and weigh-ins, guaranteeing TPK fave 'Filthy' Tom Lawlor the 'W' every time. Anyone even attempting a superman punch would be rewarded, same goes for the spinning back kick/elbow.

4. Take that, Fitch!
If a fight goes the distance, both fighters are deducted 50% of their pay. Similar to the stoppage bonuses in TUF, but slightly more sadistic.

5. The Koscheck advantage
If your opponent's name is Josh Koscheck: Congratulations, you've won! (You are also allowed to use weapons. In fact, it's encouraged).

6. The Koscheck disadvantage
If your name is Josh Koscheck: Bad luck, cockbag! You lose!

7. 'He is my brother, I will not fight him'
Yes you f***ing will. All training partners, friends and relatives will be made to fight each other. Regardless of any weight or gender differences. In future, only train with people you hate that are smaller than you.

8. Lay and pray and...NOTHING
You wanna lie on top of your opponent and rub up and down like a sex offender? Point deduction for every second this happens. Expect minus points.

9. Tag team MMA.
...And not necessarily even sided. Could Fedor beat Lesnar? Could he beat Overeem? Carwin? He sure as shit couldn't beat all three of them at once.

10. MMA/soccer.
Tired of 0-0 draws? Tired of players diving? Let Brock solve it! Give those diving cheats a reason to go down, and when they do: UNLEASH THE BEAST!

Being Brock Lesnar

Ten Things We Would Do If We Were Brock For The Day:

Fun though it would be to 'be John Malkovich', we can't help but think more joy could be had from inhabiting the body of the UFC's current 265 pound champ. So much fun in fact, that we've compiled a list of the horseplay we'd get up to.


10. Drink a Coors Light.
(Because Bud Light won't pay me nothin'...)

9. Get on top of the wife.

8. Get that f-ing dick lasered off our chest.

7. Paint our entire body green for UFC 116 after warning Shane Carwin that he 'wouldn't like me when I'm angry' at the weigh-ins.

6. Release a press statement indicating that we intend to cut 100 pounds and go after welterweight pantomime villain, Josh Koscheck.

5. DDT an opponent.
(We're aware that this probably wasn't one of HIS moves. Le sigh...)

4. Bankroll our own remake of the A Team with Brock Lesnar as B.A, Brock Lesnar as Face, Brock Lesnar as Murdock and starring Brock Lesnar as Hannibal.

3. Threaten to invade France should they not comply with our inordinately unreasonable demands.

2. Invade France.

1. Campaign to be the next Governer of California with threats of extreme violence and torture for those who don't 'VOTE BROCK' and promises of something similar to those who do.



The Lesnar will be facing Shane Carwin at UFC 116 on July 3rd to compete for the title of undisputed UFC heavyweight.

The Twitterings Of An Eccentric Genius

What makes 'Mad' Miguel Torres a 37-3 (Torres claims his actual record to be much higher at 49-3) WEC legend?

Is it his BJJ black belt under Carlson Gracie? Is it his effective Muay Thai striking abilities? Is it the guidance of his superstar trainer, Mark Dellagrotte?

Of course, it could well be all of the above, but we'd like to think it's more owing to his keen philosophical mind and radical take on modern life. One particularly leftfield musing from the Nietzsche of MMA left us awestruck...

'I'm just a man trying to live his life like a lion in a world that is a concrete jungle full of sheep'

Still not sold?

The Path To Enlightenment

Seek and ye shall find.

There's more where this came from!