TPK's Revised Rules of MMA - Part One: The Coleman Clause

Following on from our '10 Ways To Improve MMA' we bring you: 'The Revised Rules Of MMA'. Why? Because we are the way, people.

THIS IS ALL FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

We're bringing you the sweet and sexy MMAids courtesy of Mr Brendan Rowe.

Warning: This blog may require the reader to have a knowledge of MMA that extends beyond the UFC...

Part One: The Coleman Clause.


1 - Even if the rules state otherwise, Mark Coleman is allowed to strike his opponent any way he wants, with any part of his body that he wants, until such time that he scores a KO or TKO.

A - His opponents are never allowed to do the same, ever.
B - If Coleman is submitted, he gets a mulligan in the form of one free shot to any part of the body of his opponent.


2 - In the event of a round or fight ending due to time out, Coleman gets a one-minute grace period in which he pins his opponent in North/South or a sprawl until he scores a TKO via knee strikes.

3 - Should his opponent break a limb during combat, the opponent's team must sit on the sidelines and watch while their man gets thumped.

A - Only Wanderlei Silva may enter the ring, regardless of affiliation.

1 - Wanderlei Silva must be present at every fight Coleman is at.
2 - Rampage must also be present.

B - Herb Dean is allowed to use tranquilizer darts if Coleman's blood lust hasn't been sated.

C - Phil Baroni must be choked out, regardless of where he is, every time this happens.

The Phantom Knee Official Pound For Pound Rankings

An inmate, a Republican, a retiree and a DEFINITIVE pound for pound list. What more could you ask for? There's more to our rankings than winning or losing, it's about how you play the game.

Or the shit you talked leading up to it...

The following came to you from both sides of the Atlantic in a meeting of minds, knees and heated emails. In producing this list, we welcomed the MMA brainwrongs of Mr Brendan Rowe to the table.


10. K J Noons
Snatching the Spirit of Fair Play Award from Stefan Struve's evil Dutch claw, Keanu J Noons blasts his way into the top ten with a cheeky after-the-bell flurry and an illegal knee to all of our heads. Well played that man!

9. Tom 'Kong' Watson
Hated by Sherdog, loved by us, this plucky bit of homegrown British beef is taking on two fights in two weeks this month, Leben style. One in Canada against one-time TUF fighter, Jesse 'JT Money' Taylor, whose failed attempt at getting the 'full mount' on a Vegas showgirl got him kicked off the show. The second is back in Blighty against Alex 'The Punching Bag' Reid. Always in the media spotlight, Reid is famous for being brave/silly enough to marry 'glamour' model Jordan. Coming into the fight, Reid boasts an impressive 8-8-1-1, with his last competitive win coming in 2005.

8. Anthony 'Rumble' Johnson
Who needs BJJ and a ground game when you can just knock the other guy out? With cheekbones sharper than Kenny Florian's elbows, 'Rumble' Johnson usually cuts fifty pounds of water before going into a fight, making him quite a lot larger than most of the men in his division. All he has to do is figure out how to not get choked, and he'll be a force to be reckoned with.

7. Warmachine
311 days...

6. Matt 'Meathead' Mitrione
Marcus Jones quit fighting for good after losing to 'Meathead'. Kimbo Slice was cut from the UFC after his loss. With only two professional fights, Mitrione has been the kryptonite to the careers of both men, without having anything resembling a respectable physique.


5. Chael Sonnen
Sure he looked impressive against a lethargic Anderson Silva at 117, blah blah blah blah. Michael Bisping cheeked him recently - Sonnen's response? "If Bisping ever addresses me in public again, I will bury him where he stands." - factor in his 'alleged' comments about Lance Armstrong, and we're cooking with gas!

4. Bas Rutten
Oh, you want a reason?
Tabasco in the eye...

3. Joe 'J-Lau' Lauzon
With his enthusiastic performance at UFC 118 being the only interesting bout on the card, and serial killer good looks, things are looking rosey for the older Lauzon. Oh yeah, and his 12 minute long video burial of opponent Gabe Ruediger has taken trash talk to blockbuster-esque proportions. Throw him in with Wanderlei next, or Heath Herring. And before you bitch, think about it...

2. Jon 'Human Blanket' Fitch
So it looks like Dana forgot exactly what a Jon Fitch fight looks like yet again. We didn't. That's why we didn't offer him a title shot if he beat Alves. We didn't even vote him into our top ten. The world's 2nd best weltwerweight decisioned us into conceding him his rightful silver medal position. Boo.


1. Tom 'The Filthy Mauler' Lawlor
Unbeaten now since May, Lawlor carries this streak into his October (or Brocktober!) bout with Patrick Cote at UFC 121. We're seriously considering loading his gloves to ensure the win, though, were the antiquated rules of MMA updated to include points for walkouts, we wouldn't need to tip the scales. In fact, the 'Filthy Mauler' would be the current Middleweight champ by now. Where's the justice?

Alternates included: Forrest Griffin - the very definition of MAN, Gabe Reudiger for managing not to eat the cake, Jon Jones for being Jon Jones and King Mo 'cos y'all hate him.